Parents/Depression since age of 7

Hi -- I'm already a member because of a Bipolar partner. I have suffered depression (never hospitalized) but treated by shrinks and psychologists intermittently since the age of 7/8. This followed the death of my maternal grandfather. My mother totally fell apart -- couldn't express or share her grief, or the grief of her three daughters. I became afraid to leave home, go to school, spend an overnight. My parents first tried the Baptist preacher, then when I wrote a poem saying I wish I would just let my life ebb out with the tide -- they took me to a child psychiatrist -- rochastes (spelling tests) etc. Prescription for Valium (I'm 63 so that was the drug of choice.) My mother -- a nurse by profession then took me to sessions with a psychiatriste who then gave me additional (10mg.) valium per day. My mother acted like the great martyr and was so resistant to letting me have meds that I would open the capsules, take half, and save the rest. My parents (I only learned this 40 years later from my father) were having problems themselves. But they never told my psychiatrist (nor me) of that fact.

My dad would talk to me about things that he was bothered by in his own personal life. He was subject to panic attacks -- described as tacticardia -- my mother (who lost her own mother when she was 11) just clammed up when I would ask about her mom.

Oddest thing is my mother was the ultimate tightwad who has now left me with a huge sum of money -- how much more it would have meant to be taken to lunch, or to receive some treat -- instead I felt guilty asking for a dime to go to the movies. I worked hard at school, got excellent grades and then hussled for a good job and moved out.

When my husband was suddenly hospitalized for a hernia -- the doctor (in Europe) advised me he was dying of intestinal cancer. My sisters knew, but I couldn't talk to my mother. She knew but was too cheap to make the long-distance call. The only thing she was interested in was to see her three daughters were "strong."

In my whole adult life I received one long-distance phone call from my mother -- I was spending "a lot of time" off campus and they couldn't reach me.

She lived to be 94, dying this last June -- I didn't go back to sit vigil. I in fact hadn't seen her for 11 years.

Now I've got a bi[polar husband ( two horrible events and hospitalization in the last twelve months), now followed by a strong possibility that I have cancer. The same thing is happening all over again -- the doctors order exams, the exams are not carried out, I do not receieve results or telephone calls-- the specialists are no better than my generalist who is so knew to the practice that she practically wears her diploma on her chest. We've only just moved to a new village -- which is really great. A small house, great garden, great neighbors. Then everything turned on it's head like "heh" you didn't deserve this much happiness.

Vesuvius

Hello ........

   My Mother just passed away about three weeks ago ... after over a three year battle with Dementia. Placing guilt trips onto me was her biggest fault, and that started when I was a kid.

   I didn't even realize that until i went to a good psychologist when I was just past 50 for other reasons. And the biggest thing she hid from me until I was in my 50's was that she married an abusive man for a short period of time between husbands #1 and #3.

   He did abuse me - in what way I guess I'll never know - but i was 2 to 3-years old at the time. I'm guessing it was abuse by hitting me.

   I was an only child - so in her last 19-years (since my step-father died) I was the only one for her moral support and bill paying in her last 5-years. I have mixed feelings about all of that ... BUT I do not have all of the things you have to digest and put into perspective.

   I hope you can successfully do that. Would there be any kind of a support group you become a part of?

   As far as the cancer threat is concerned. Find out! Trust me - it's best to know ... I've been there for the past 10-years.

Wishing you the best

Rob & Gizmo