Posted 2/26/2014 9:29 AM (GMT 0)
My life isn't that bad. So how come I find the nerve to feel that it's terrible?
All my friends are in college, so I'm here alone. I don't want to go to college yet, for many reasons that I won't get into here. And because they're all gone, they've all moved on, meaning I have no one close to me anymore. And it's a scary thought to think that if I really needed to talk to somebody, I don't know who'd I'd call. I don't know who would make me feel better, who would take me seriously, who would see through me, because i don't have those connections anymore.
I'm not in love with my boyfriend anymore even though he's super sweet and loves me, talking to him doesn't make it better, sometimes makes it worse. I have to move out of and sell the house I was born and raised in (I don't take change well.) They don't want me back at my job, and even if they did I'm not close with anyone there anyway. I know they all hang out without me, talk about me as the outsider. When I'm alone, which is most of the time, it's like I can't breathe. Or maybe that I don't want to. Like all the air all the oxygen all the hope has been sucker punched out of me and it hurts to even take a breath.
I've written countless "the end" letters to my friends and family. Not that I think that they'd be better without me, but I sure as hell don't think they'd be any worse. I bet it'd be sad for a bit but it wouldn't effect anyone really. Except my dad. How could I be so selfish as to consider taking my life when I know it would kill my dad? Who thinks things like that and googles ways to follow through? It is so much easier to be sad than happy. It is so much easier to find things in the wrong, the things I'm doing wrong, the things the world is doing wrong. It's such an effort to be happy and it's not even truthful. It's always faked or short-lived or let down by unrealistic expectations. I'm sick of the dark cloud inside of me but we can't afford therapy. Who am I to put my parents through paying for that just because I can't get my crap together? I don't want to be "that dramatic person" anyway. This has been going on for about 3 years, but everyone goes through this, right?