Feeling lost

Hi, brand new to this board, but I need to reach out to others.

To try & be brief yet fill you in my life is spiraling out of control before my eyes. It's like I'm two people in one body. My mind knows the realistic logic, but my emotional mindset won't let it do it's job. I don't want to be known as a freak or crazy. I don't want to be on drugs, I just want to be normal. I don't understand why I act the way I do.

In the past two years I have left my husband of 11 years because I was unhappy, dated uncontollably trying to find the "one," for a year afterwards only to end up with losers. Then this past year was the motherload. I met who I thought, was the "one." He was the "one," alright, the one to put me over the edge. We I met him I was finally accepting to love myself, be ok with being alone, getting financially in control things were good. He sucked me in and destroyed my everything with lies & manipulation. During this time he convinced me to move in with him, sell all of my things, then turn around in three months kick me out which left me financially strapped and completely emotionally drained. The day he asked me to leave we learned the drs. could not do anything else for my stepfather hospice was the only answer. 3 weeks later my stepfather passed and while my ex was out on a date I was moving out of his home. Kind of a lot to take in! Me of course being stupid, I continued to talk to this idiot even though he cheated, lied, screwed me financially. I was in "love." His latest and final straw is he is corresponding with my friend. I just lost it, I mean f&(*(&(*& lost it! And did I mention 2 weeks ago I was told one of my best friends has aggressive breast cancer?

Everything in my life is suffering because I am obsessed with this man. All I want to do is sleep, and cry. Ive been on effexor, for about 7 years, because I had cervical cancer and couldn't handle the diagnosis. However, last year I weaned myself down because I don't want to be on medicine. I went from 112.5 to 37.5MG. This may be the problem, but I DON'T WANT TO BE ON MEDICINE, I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I was talking to an awesome counselor, but the money was too much so I had to stop going. I believe she helped me more than anything and I have emailed for an appointment.

I know in reality I can dig out but right now I feel like my world is gone and I am being suffocated one dirt pile at a time. I don't even know what to do or where to turn. I know everyone is just annoyed and keeps telling me I am in CONTROL. But I'm not in control they don't understand. Its like telling a person with a broken leg to toughen up and walk on it.

Thank you for listening, any advice for non - addicting drugs because the withdrawls of effexor are horrible I won't increase that.

Lexapro made me fat.

Maybe that came out wrong, wasn't trying to knock anyone for being on medicine. I just hate the fact I'm dependent on them. I wish there was a test that said you have a chemical imbalance, because just doing dumb things makes me feel crazy and stupid not sick!

Ty I think I did try Wellbutrin and couldn't come off Effexor but I was still on a high dose of Effexor so maybe that's y????

Sometimes, you have to take the meds so that you can look at life more objectively, and learn coping mechanisms.

Sometimes, life is good and we can look out the window and see the blue sky....
And, sometimes life is bad, and we have to try again, and see how it comes out this time.

My thanks to Carl Sandberg for stealing part of his poem, "Arithmetic."
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/arithmetic/

In other words, it's a great big circle. Given enough time, things do get better. You have to think about you, and not others, because you cannot control or make changes for other people, but only for yourself.

I don't think any of us want to be dependent on any medications. But when it helps you live a life of clear thinking and being happy, what can you do??? Why suffer when you can feel better. It is no different than taking medication for diabetes or any other disease. Try not to think of it as a dependency, think of it as a brain chemical adjustment. You are lacking certain chemicals in your brain and the medication gives them to you.

I certainly hate the thought of needing medications. I get scared of what is going to happen when I get old. It isn't a pretty thought. Will there be somebody to administer them to me? Will I be in a nursing home needing medications? I could dwell on that all day if I wanted to be more depressed. But if you take it one day at a time, it really helps with the fear of needing medications.

Try to take it slow. Try to keep it one day at a time. Do what you need to at the moment to feel better. Your mind and body will thank you for that. Maybe if you get a book on brain chemicals and medications for depression, it wont bother you so much.

Hang in there and feel better soon. I think you are on a good combination right now. Let's see how this works...

Hugs, Karen...

I currently take a combo of effexor and wellbutrin. It works for me.

I made my peace with daily medications over a decade ago, when diagnosed with UC. I am on maintenance meds for the rest of my life. Even in remission, they keep you on them.

Get back to the therapist. Even when I had no money, I made sure I had money for that.