Disconnected

Hello,
My story begins with my fiancee. I've known her since I was 12, loved her, lost her for five years, and she came in contact with me at 17. We've been living together for the past seven years, and I am now 24. I started line cooking about three years ago, and the high stress environment slowly started breaking me. Every day I wanted to walk off the line, every day I felt hollow inside and treated like piss by my boss and co-workers. I remember having break downs frequently for about two weeks around the holidays, and I quit shortly after. I was losing weight, I didn't feel good about myself, and I felt like I was falling out of love with the one person who was always there for me during this rough time. I produce a lot of music on my down time, which helps a ton. I started a new retail job about a month ago, and the ample amount of free time is unfortunately facilitating my depression. My fiance and I live together in an apartment in an area where we practically know no one, and I am kind of resentful for that. I have tried creating schedules to eat up time and pass the days, but the depression is clouding my motivation. schedules clash, when I'm off she's working in the evening. We're supposed to get married in May and for some reason, I feel numb about it all. I know I love her, but being alone for so many months has taken a toll on my mind. I long for someone to talk to, and I find myself talking to coworkers about my problems, which I feel is turning into me developing a crush on one of them. I've already started hanging out with her (my coworker) after work hours, and I know I'm playing with fire. I'm just so alone, I am desperate just to have a friend to share similar interests with. All of my other friends are further into town, or they have kids with very limiting schedules so I find myself thinking about my past and putting myself in a quarter life crisis if those even exist.

I feel like life is just passing me by, and I have no control over it. I'm just there to observe and head down this direction of the working man who will soon be married.
I know I'm selfish, and I have been mean. All I want is someone to talk to, someone who understands what I'm experiencing. I love my fiancee, but obviously not enough if I'm secretly hanging out with co-workers who I am crushing on. She'd be heart broken, but there is a deep pain in me that makes me justify it for the sake of simply connecting with somebody instead of being trapped in my thoughts for hours, just to wake up and do it again.

I broke down last night, thinking about my loneliness and trying to figure a way out by meeting people. Any advice?

Thanks for the quick reply Sunny. She definitely knows about how I feel, and I think our relationship is great. The days we spend apart because of work is what's getting to me. She's my friend first, and I miss having a friend to have random chats with about anything and everything, but we're both working adults with bills in both of our names. I feel like a total piece of garbage for even having these thoughts and feelings about my coworker. I know my coworker feels it, I can't deny attraction and chemistry. My fiancee and I are great together. We go out to shows when we can, watch The Walking Dead together every Sunday, and play video games together. This is why I don't understand why I feel this way.

We all have feelings and emotions at times that are not the best. It is how we act on them that is important.

If there is something missing in the relationship you are in either work on it or end it. I think this is what those other feelings are telling you, that you are missing something.

relationships take hard work at times, I have been married for 24yrs to my best friend. We have very few fights, we talk and respect each other greatly, no cursing and use non-violent communication.

You have been with this person your whole live almost, perhaps you do need a break to safely explore a little. If you have this strong of doubts.

Peace
Trina

Hello ....

   Sometimes a reality check is tough .... sometimes even tougher! The loneliness you spoke of does need to be addressed - and it has nothing to do with your fiance! It's all yours!!!

   You certainly couldn't expect any future wife to be available to you all of the time - can you? We all have responsibilities to at least a few things and/or people. That's just a part of daily life.

   I think before anything goes too far, you should seek a talk psychologist - a professional person who you can develop a trusting relationship with. Then, sit down and, in detail, review your feelings with that person.

   In time, after you're much more comforable with some "alone" time, it might be a good idea for you and your fiance to meet with a couples counselor. The above all assumes you want to marry your fiance.

   On the other hand, if you're not sure what you want to do .... you've got to tell her - and risk the fact that she will pull away from you. If you don't and she finds out about another woman or even just about your unsure feelings .... she will very likely put you in the rear view mirror! And she will be hurt by it as well.

   I have had that experience myself thru a 7-year relationship. The first time I caught her, it hurt ... but we got thru it in time. The last time it happened, I didn't even wish her a "have a good life"!!!! Addios b***h!

   Summary .... your playing with fire. It doesn't sound like any of it is her fault. You need to be honest ... and as "Myself" said "time to put on your big boy pants"!

   Take the step ... AFTER ... you've made a big decision ... and do it soon!

Rob & Gizmo

 

Dude. That's big girl pants, to you. -snort-

Sounds like a good start. Sometimes, people-who-are-other-than-your-partner are very, very tempting. This happens to everyone, men and women, alike. I always think it is a "the grass is greener everywhere else" kind of thing. The new person comes with just as much baggage, no history, AND the added special bonus of being new and fantastic. I think it is rarely worth it. I am glad you got the grip on yourself, and 'fessed up. And I just added the part about the co-worker because I have known some women who would have thought nothing of an affair with an engaged man. Some might have even fantasized about the picket fence and the SUV.

Join a sports league. A reading club. A model fantasy figure painting group. An artist's group. A choir. Wherever your interests lie. It helps refocus your 'down-time' into appropriate venues, gives you new friends, and is a great refresher.

If you still feel yourself drifting, get thee to a therapist to figure out some life-skills. Buona Fortuna!

Spending time apart should make your time together much better. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I probably should have included this pretty critical info that I've been dealing with since before the new job.
My cousin was found passed out drunk in a local park at 3AM by authorities after attempting to commit suicide with a bottle of liquor, my other cousin who's practically my little brother is a new heroin addict, and my other cousin who's practically my little sister told me she's about to undergo hormonal therapy and transition from female to male. I received all that news at one time, and that was after the line cooking job I had that shattered my mind haha. I have been dealing with numbness for many moons and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

I am in full support of my cousins hormonal therapy and her transition from FTM as I've known her my entire life, we were raised in the ghetto by the same grandma, and it's really no surprise to me. I mean it is a huge step, but honestly, it makes sense and it definitely sounds like a decision of sound mind. It was just shocking to get all of these bombs dropped on me in one fell swoop like that.

My cousins have also been dealing with depression for years, we all come from a family of survivors that were unfortunately raised during the civil war in El Salvador at a young age. I feel terrible not being there for them because of everything that I have going on across town, and growing up in the busy city of Seattle gave me first hand experience at what it's like to watch a friend go down that road of drug addiction and leave so many people behind when passing. I miss so many of them, it makes me feel even lonelier thinking about all of the friends I've lost because of gang violence and dope at such a young age. This is part of the reason as to why my fiancee and I moved across town to get away from the nature of the environment as it was only getting worse within our circle of friends. I am very broken inside, and it only gets harder for me to cope as life goes on.

Post Edited (JustASeattleKid) : 4/3/2014 8:23:38 AM (GMT-6)

So, if you feel broken, are you just going to sit around and wait for someone to magically fix you?

Well, that thought is silly, isn't it? You will be waiting a long time then. Imagine the angst and the depression. FOR NO good reason. Waiting around for it to magically go away ain't cuttin' it, sweeting. You have to actively pursue a fix for yourself. Yeah it's easier to be passive, but being active creates solutions.

So, no excuses now. It's too hard, it costs too much, I am afraid of drugs, I don't like to talk to strangers, I am very private. I don't need any outside help. All of these we have heard before, and said before ourselves. It takes a while before you recognize an excuse instead of an action in your own bahavior.

The point about doing something fun is NOT about doing it alone. Ahem. I thought that was clear. It's that you get out and do them with other people. At the same time. You know, being social. Making new friends with people who are like you. Again, excuses do not fly.

Big events within a family and friend network are hard, no two ways about it. Death, divorce, sickness, losing jobs, people you love making really crap-poor choices. Arguments. Yep. Check-check. But that's not you. I mean, I am so sorry these have happened, and family history is always tough. But what matters is your choice and your actions in response to the events.

So, let me sum up. 1. Active not passive. 2. Excuses not accepted. 3. It's okay to be sad for others. 4. If you are sad for yourself, whattcha gonna do about it?

Just sayin' everyone has a past. I probably wrote a lot because I am bored. Intellectually under-challenged.

K, fair enough. Sorry if I was too not-pull-the-punches. If it helps, I am pretty hard on myself, as well. I have high expectations, and am an over-achiever. Remaking my life after emotional catastrophe, and then the dawning of a realization that life is too short to spend it cheaply. It's only taken two years to get here, from that place.