Well, I don't even begin to know your full story, but I do know that abuse is wrong, even if you came from a background of abuse yourself. We may not have control over our feelings, but we do have
some control over our behaviour
. Even at the height of anger, most people usually manage to refrain from smashing the £1000 TV, so they have not taken full leave of their senses. People rarely do.
Abusers abuse because of a need deep inside them and have talked themselves into believing that their victim "deserves" it in order to fufil this need. So while the expensive TV may remain unscathed, their luckless victims don't.
That said, nana, you come across as somebody who's desperate rather than chillingly evil. Believe me, I can absolutely relate to your frustration. I had an emotionally abusive childhood and was terrified of my neurotic, overbearing dad. Had no love for him or my brothers; I grew up tormented, with an extremely insecure sense of self. I didn't really know who or what I was; obviously I knew the biographical details of my life, but, other than that, I really barely felt like a real person. I was so depersonalized from years of emotional abuse and rejection.
And then there were people I treated abominably. The first was a teenage lad I formed a friendship with in my late teens. He had issues of his own, which I won't go into here, but he had also been badly bullied all his life. Inside he had some serious rage, but you would never know it, not just to look at him: he was a 'nice' type. (He had no interest or talent for drawing, but there was one picture of his I'll never forget: the subject was anger and he had chosen a red, fiery ball with plumes coming out of it to represent his inner anger.) Anyway, I ended up picking on this poor lad. I kept on putting him down, telling him he was an idiot and so on. I was angry and unkind.
Not surprisingly, he snapped and sent a letter to me one day. I suppose I did at least get a chance to apologise to him a few years later, but I still feel bad.
Then in 2000 I discovered the internet: the playground for angry people with poor impulse control across the world. For years I had no self control whatsoever and raged at who I felt like whenever I felt like. I was also deceiving people. The guilt got worse over time, rather than better, and eventually I owned up to the deception. By this time I was already trying to contain my wrath and not 'turn' on people. But more than that, I just wanted not to feel the wrath in the first place.
I think, looking back, the self-righteous rage was simply there to fill an inner emptiness, a void: I would even feel a sense of calm and peace after the worst rage storms. Some people probably use drugs to fill this void, but I used anger.
I still, after all this time, have exactly that same inner emptiness. But bad behaviour
doesn't fill it up, that's all I can tell you. Also, if you have children and you abuse them (or they witness a parent being abused) the dreary cycle of abuse just gets passed down.
Right this very moment, if I am honest, I am feeling mad at my stoma nurse and
could quite easily bawl her out via email. I feel mad at her for not answering my email and rejecting me and I feel even madder at myself for behaving in such a way as to get rejected. I feel an utter, utter fool. I have no idea whether I am beyond help or not; I'm afraid I can't answer your own question, nana. All I can say is that I hope you are not: I wish you the best of luck.
And now I need a cup of tea, as does most likely anyone who actually read all this... :-/
Edit: Good afternoon, Karen >.>
Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 4/9/2014 8:58:10 AM (GMT-6)