feel like giving up

Naw. It was directed at my posting. -snort- I'm a big girl. I can take it.

What I mean is that you must change perspective to look at the object differently. There is no one view of anything, no one story to be told, and multiple angles, facts, and guesses.

Depressed people pick and choose their facts. They pick the worst possible angle from which to view their life and their choices. The story they choose to tell is where the storyline is headed to tragedy.

Reference my signature.

Some days are good, some bad, and some bite terradactyls. So, if I choose to try to find the good--I am not depressed?

Dunno. I am not a fan of having cut and dried responses. There is an advanced acting exercise I do with my kids where you have to be here and now, and then go around and state the truth of where your head is, right now. It's complicated to explain. The point is that we all start from where we are. To try to start from some fictional or unrealistic place isn't useful at all. Pretending isn't a help; Make-believe is only for five year olds. As an observation, where is your head right now?

Pain, shoulders, neck, arms, legs, butt. Some numbness in legs. Overly dry mouth and nasal passages. Tense. Tired. Frightened.

You can only work from where you are.

Like I said: it's about empathy. Most people don't have a lot of it. For me, impatience often gets in the way, a failing I'm well aware of: I could be more subtle myself sometimes.

I don't know if you are depressed or not, Myself, but you certainly do not seem to empathise with Sunny's experience of depression, which, if you read some accounts of depression, should realise is classic depression through and through. My depression started when I was 13 - a kid. There was no psychological help. Books were very interesting, but did not deal with what was going on in my head. I was a desperately lonely, traumatised, starved-of-affection, depressed kid who grew into a similar adult.

I know what it's like to hate yourself. I know psychic pain. I do not find it remotely negative. I find it sad, but negative, no? It's just humanity.

So, it all boils down to appearance? If something looks bad, then it should be hidden away?

Sunny, you didn't do anything. Whatever it is, it is not you.

I am glad you tried neutrality today. How did it go? And was Mom's visit good, or at least not emotionally difficult?

I saw that your psych didn't change meds. Perhaps you ought to mention it to him/her, that you are still feeling bad.

My psych added Wellbutrin to the mix, and it was the thing I really needed to push through the stuff. I was already taking effexor, but was getting worse.

Yeah, count me in as a member of the "Sunny didn't do anything wrong" club. General rule of thumb; if there's a barney and my name is there, I'm probably the one to blame.

PS: I hope you feel better tomorrow. But don't feel guilty if you don't: it's okay!

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 5/8/2014 6:50:33 PM (GMT-6)

Not that you can't post here, you can. And you aren't to blame either. I realize you are going through a tough time too. But nobody needs to be blamed. Can't we get past the whole thing and remember the poster of the thread...

Umm.....thanks for the support. i don't want to ignore what happened in earlier posts, i'm just going to say that i am grateful for all the help you all are offering. it has made all the difference these last few days.

Mom stayed for about an hour, helped me with some stuff. It was ok.

Nope, doc didn't change meds. Guess i'll give it a couple more days. Can call her anytime i need to.

Supposed to have therapy tomorrow a.m., but GI doc had me do 1/2 gallon of bowel prep this morning b/c things are completely f-ed up, all over the place in there. And that was about 12 hours ago, no results yet, just a lot of cramping and gurgling. Don't want to leave the house like this, it's like having a ticking time bomb in your gut, don't know when it will go off. Have to drink the other 1/2 tomorrow if nothing happens tonight.

Prisoner in my little apartment because my guts lost their instruction manual and don't know what the heck they are doing.

Prisoner in my head. Need the thoughts to stop. It's like i want everything to be cut and dry. No questions about what is good enough, are my friends really friends, etc. i always doubt myself. i don't think i can trust myself to figure things out, i have no confidence in my ability to make a good decision.

Guess i can have a phone session w/ my therapist tomorrow. Not as good, but i don't think i'll be able to leave the house. Usually when we decide to do phone session (medical reasons only), i don't answer the phone, or i only talk for a couple minutes to her and i'm not the most honest cuz i don't want to really open up. i'm thinking i will try to get more out of it and put more into it. no promises.

Just don't want to do this (life) anymore. It's the same struggles over and over and over. i don't see how there is any chance it will ever get better.

i am truly my own worst enemy. trouble seeing any value in myself.

appears i am now talking to myself online. just sorta fits with everything else.

couldn't do therapy phone appt today. GI meds decided to kick in 3 minutes before my therapist called. nice.

i know i've probably pushed everyone away. my fault. it helps me to write here, so i will until someone tells me to stop.

think i'm slowly getting out of my super deep depression. i'm trying. just have to not let myself think much.

Yeah, this board slows to a crawl at times. As for your colonic inertia, have you found any other sites? It's not that anyone on the UC or Crohn's boards minds you posting on them, it's just that nobody is really going through what you are going through. Doesn't make what you are going through any the less worse; in fact, it sounds quite horrendous. I'd be depressed too in your shoes. Having had both diarrhoea and constipation, I would rather live with chronic diarrhoea than chronic constipation. Anyway, I found one GI motility disorders site that seems active (there may be others). Hopefully you can find more people there going through a similar thing to you than you can on HW.

www.inspire.com/groups/agmd-gi-motility/

I'm not suggesting you leave HW, by the way. That's purely for the GI issues.

Sometimes we can put things on the back burner for awhile. Though they never truly go away. I think w e need that now and again. Like I say I did it for two years. Though I can't get back what I missed in the process. When the grandkids came here things changed. When I would hold my granddaughter I always felt better. Granddaughters through marriage. Sadly I haven't any children of my own. But gradually this helped and getting the proper meds. I still don't go out a lot but I do some. I rarely answer the phone. I'm scared of who is on the other end. Thanks for caller I. D.

We all get better at our own pace. Some of us take longer.

Have patience with yourself.

Hugs Karen

Hello Sunny ........

   First ... this is NOT to minimize your health issues. If anything, it is to hopefully allow you to feel that some of your issues can be felt or understood - at least in part.

   Someone below had mentioned about constipation and diarrea both - preferring one over the other. My G.I. system, as well as, my kidney functions have both been compromised by chemotherapy. For 23-months, I have been on a daily cycle of either constipation or diarrea.

   The diarrea cycle does make it difficult, if not impossible, to go out to do things that need to be done. I refuse to take Imodium daily for the fear of my system becoming used to that med - then no longer working!

   Your G.I. problems are undoubtley worse - maybe much worse.  

   My cancer, a few years ago, also blocked my kidneys ... so kidney failure was an issue for me several times being hospitalized. For close to two years, the kidneys are semi-functioning by way of a nefrostomy tube (and bag) for the right side ... and an internal kidney stent for the left side. I think that allows me to at least approach your feelings of despair at times.

   Again ...... no intent to minimize here. This is just an effort to ask you to find some hope in your daily life - no matter how small it may be. We all are stuck with some lousy things on our table at times ..... hope you do find some comfort at times.

Rob & Gizmo