It's come to this.

Hello all.

This is my first post. I'm here as I don't really know where else to go. My problem, put simply, I hate my life. Why? I'm 33 years old, never married, no girlfriend, I have a little girl I never get to see to which I'm charged $395 a month to pay which I can't afford as I am on disability. I am on disability due to a multitude of spinal problems/diseases. I had a lamenectomy where they removed a third of my spine. Not only did it not help but made things worse. I'm in pain always. I hate taking pills so I keep the pain meds to a minimum. That coupled with a long history or mental illness, depression, anger, & anxiety issues. I've attempted suicide 4 times. My family is spread all over the country. I have a sister where I live now I see once in awhile. I have two friends I see once in awhile. But the relationships I do have aren't what they once were unfortunately. They all have a negative or toxic aspect to their lives that unfortunately pours into mine. My Mother and Father live about 1200 miles away, so I only see them once or twice a year, as such I spend most my time alone. I do my best to distract my self from the horrid reality that I have failed in life by being in nature, cycling, & working out. My working out is limited due to the the back pain, which in turn causes depression. Its a vicious cycle. I'm at a loss as to what the hell to do with myself. I hate being forced into being alone. I genuinely feel that no one gives a crap. (pardon the language) I have no one to talk to about the way I feel. To escape the prison of my small home, I drive to places I used to feel happy (those that are left) The only happiness I feel is thru the memories of when I was young. I feel as tho I'm a phantom, wander the ghost town that was my life. I was an artist for many years, but even my passion for that is gone. My dreams of being a successful artist have all but faded way. My imagination has run dry as well I just don't find any satisfaction in doing it anymore. When I wake I have nowhere to go, no where to be. When I leave, there is no one waiting for me. It's as tho I'm cursed.I feel that my life has lost all point & meaning. I'm merely existing, waiting to be dead.

Failed according to who? Remember--don't compare yourself to other people. You will lose that battle. And, ultimately, the only person who really can make change in our lives is ourselves.

Have you told your psych about your current feelings?

Can your teach your art to shut-ins? Retirement homes always love volunteers. I understand losing art; it hurts. I shall not go into it here. But art is always in flux--it has to change to stay alive. Perhaps you have not yet found the next part of your talent. Art needs feeding--is yours hungry?

I also get chronic pain. So, why are you keeping your pain pills to a minimum? Isn't that really just making it harder on yourself? Nobody likes a martyr. And, honestly, when people say that, I always shrug and don't take it seriously. This is your life, and you get to spend it how you want. Personally, I take pain pills, among many others, despite my dislike of the regimen, because I want to keep working and keep being. Without this small victory, I feel more depressed.

I would say your first step (aside from the therapist and anti-depressants, which I assume is already part of the equation) would be finding someplace to go daily. Maybe bi-weekly, at first. Is there an artist's group, sharing work? Maybe you should try to form one.

Welcome to the forum.

Anger : by Thich Nhat Nhan

This is a book I would like to recommend.

I have nerve damage in my head from abuse. This causes daily migraines and cluster headaches, as a result I empathize with your daily chronic pain.

Art and music help keep my monsters and depression at bay. You have recieved some good advice and I do hope you consider some of it. Volunteering is a good way to get outside of ourselves and feel purposeful. Meet new people and become part of the world again.

Joining a support group, depression, chronic pain, whatever helps is a good idea also. I go to a depression group. I started a coed survior group and am trying to start an open womens survivor group. Once you start, you do not know where life will lead you. It is that first step that is so very hard. It took me 6 mos to go the to depression group on a regular basis, now I am becoming a facilitator.

33 is so young, I am 53 and thinking I am still young. Do not discount your life. Try not to compare yourself to others. You have your own path to follow. At lot of us are on disability, does not mean we are useless to society.

As for your child, if you can not see her and want to. Fight. If you have to change, change. If I had a child, nothing would be more important. However, that is me because I do not have one. I am not judging, just stating.

Please continue to post, we support and listen the best we know how. There is a RESOURCE thread at the top of the forum with 4 pages of stuff to help.

Peace and courage
Trina