Don't know what else to do to be happy

All I want is to be happy. And I'm not looking for something to bring me happiness either, I'm actually one who finds happiness in the simpler things. I'm just super depressed, and I'm pretty sure it's something to do with my life experiences, but the thing is I'm over it all, I just feel those experiences left me with chronic depression, some kind of permanent damage to my brain. I've had some rotten luck with relationships of people. My last two and only serious boyfriends were really not nice to me in different ways, one cheated on me continuously, and the other one ignored me and belittled me. My only two jobs I've ever had (now unemployed), had to deal with horrible boss's, one with bipolar, and one who took advantage of me. I've also had some pretty crapty friends, constantly getting ditched and never fitting into cliques. Needless to say, I was a nice person, and nice people get walked all over on. Now I have a chip on my shoulder, and as soon as I feel disrespected, I snap. But honestly I don't think the chip is that big, and not really a problem.

I just graduated 5 years of university, went to art school, now I'm just making art and trying to find a server job. I have a boyfriend of about 6 months, and he's probably the most loyal person other than my parents that I've ever met, very encouraging too, and we have future plans for something great. I made a pact with myself that I would never get into another relationship unless they treat me right and with respect. He's the only thing that makes me happy right now. I don't like that either, I don't want to depend on a person for my happiness, it scares the crap out of me. I don't think he's going anywhere, but imagine if he just left. I pretty much feel like I have no friends, in the past 2 weeks I made plans with like 6 different people and every single one flaked on me without even having the courtesy to let me know. I'm really missing girl time, and honestly it's extremely hard to watch my sister who has 10 best friends who are very loyal and always together, and then there's me who doesn't even have one friend that texts or calls me just to tell me something and talk.

I cry and it's because I'm lonely I think. I wonder if I'm lonely because maybe my depression due to crappy relationships and boss's made me less fun of a person, and people stopped hanging out with me. I know I'm less fun now, but I want to have fun so bad. But when I was "fun" I was actually going through all that crap, and I would drink my face off partying. I was the party girl everyone wanted to be around, but not no more. I want a job, I want money, I want one good friend, and I want to travel. I wish I was more motivated and felt more passionate about art again and other creative things I do. I used to be such a well rounded person, and always put my heart into things.

I've tried everything. Exercise, meditation (I'm a spiritual person), self help books, self encouraging books, joining things (but honestly I can't fit in with people when I feel down-people pick up on that). I'm a damaged delicate soul.

Welcome to the forum...

I think that the mindfulness and meditation would help put you in a better place. I found we can't expect much out of others to fulfill us. It is up to us. We have to be happy with ourselves, then the rest falls into place. Work on you. The rest will work out. If we have one good friend in our life, we are lucky. Maybe that is your boyfriend...

Hugs, Karen...

the old saying is true. 'happiness comes from within'. i hope you feel better soon.