Numb? What can I do? I'm lost.

Hi, this is my first post, so I hope to get that somehow right. And I'm from Germany so my English may be not that good, just to give you a heads up for bad spelling and grammar. I just feel like I can express myself better in English than in German. I really don’t know where to start and where to end so I'm sorry if this gets confusing or endless.

First things first, here are some things about me: I'm sixteen. I'm a from a little suburb in Germany and gay, or at least I think so.

It all started about two and a half years ago. I was madly in love with one of my best (girl-)friends, but she was older, had a boyfriend etc. Long story short, I pretended to be happy, but was quite “depressed” deep down inside. My circle of friends at the time were mostly girls; I cant really explain why. So after about half a year I got over her and didn’t really had more interest in girls than friendship after that. Everything was great once I got mostly happy and content at that time. Then I noticed first signs of being gay. Like being attracted to gay ****, getting more distant from “straight things”. After about a year, or to be exact about 9 months ago (October 2013), I fell deeply in love with a boy, in my class. We are friends, not like best friends, or friends that do stuff together after school. Just friends. He's everything I would want from a man: Manly, extremely self-conscious, but not arrogant; Rough, but gentle; Muscular, but sensitive; Funny, but serious. And his hazel eyes. Oh those eyes... .Yeah he has his flaws, but they’re the reason he's even more perfect to me. It was the first time I ever felt something like this for a boy, or for any other person, which freaked me out at first and got me into denial. He is straight. Or at least I think he is. No, he's definitely straight. He is, isn't he?

I want to be openly gay. I really want to. But if I hear how they talk about gays and when I see what they do with gays, I get scared. Scared that ill never be accepted who I am, who I want to be and who I am going to be. Though really should figure out with myself who I am. Because right know I am everything the others want me to be. I bent my character for them over the last years to be one of them. To be one of something. But the only thing I got was repudiation. They abandoned me like you do with a puppy when you chain him to some random street lights and walk away.

I thought it would go away and everything would be normal again but it didn’t. I wanted to get some distance between us, but seeing him 5 days a week from 8 am to 2 pm isn’t really helping. So my feelings grew stronger and I realized that the relationship I made up in my head would never happen and the “signs” I got form him were only in my Imagination. At that time I started to get mood swings, got sadder and sadder and went into my “pretending to be happy” mode, I experienced two years ago, again. Then there is my circle of friends. More like circles of temporary friends. At my school the cliques build only inside one class and so did my class over the past 5 years (same people since nearly 9 years). There are three “main cliques”: The girls, the more popular boys, and the more unpopular boys. You may ask in which on I am. Well, in none of them. Or in all of them. However you want to see it.

In sixth and seventh grade I mostly was with the girls, just because they understood me, we shared the same interests like music and stuff. But then the group of girls and I kinda started to “grow apart”. Well, they “grew away” from me. They stopped inviting me to their party and they dissociated from me. Its difficult. From their POV I'm still in their circle, in the POV of the boys (The “more popular” ones) om in their circle and from my POV I'm in none of them. One time the boys ignore me so I go to the girls, then they ignore me and I go back to the boys. Which wasn’t really helping me with my bad mood and feelings I had/still have at that time It went on. until now.

Well, what do I feel now? I don’t know. I feel nothing. The back and forth I had in those last 5 years is beating me up. I don’t feel happy nor do I feel sad. I just feel this pressure. Like the world is on my shoulders but I cant get it off. Like I have to scream but I cant. Like I have to breath but cant take a breath. And I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to kill myself, but the feeling after a day of successfully pretending that I'm okay, and smiley all day, makes the idea of not existing extremely appealing. The others don’t really notice that I'm not okay. But I somehow don’t want to tell them. They only see me as the weirdo that likes rainy days more than sunny ones and listens to sad and melancholy music all the time.

I’m still in love with him. I still see him everyday. I still stare at him every chance I get to. I love him and I know that it’ll never happen. Never. I want to want to scream, or cry, or punch someone, but I cant. I just cant. Because there is no more emotion in me that would trigger such actions.

Today’s Friday and I noticed again how lonely I really am. The boys made plans what they’ll do on the weekend, the girls did too. And I was standing in the middle of them both. Lonely. Asking if somebody wants to do something on the weekend. Or if I can join them. But then I only get answers like “No sorry its a girl day” or “Sorry dude but then we would be too much people”. So I'm lying in my room every weekend curled up in a ball and hope that somebody will call me or invite me to something. darnit, a freaking “How are you?” text would be enough. But no. I go to school everyday, pretend in front of my friend and parents that I'm okay, though I'm not. I kinda perfected my fake smile over the last years so nobody notices the fakeness of it. I thought of telling them this story from my POV, but all it would do, is. that I get invited to party because they feel sorry for me. I feel like I'm losing my energy and so little of me is left. The happy, active, and funny 14 year old boy grew into a groggy, fake smiling, depressed 16 year old. And I start thinking that I cant do this anymore. That I don’t want to do this anymore. But I don’t have the balls to kill myself. So I just get up everyday, put on my fake smile, only to numb me even more on the inside. And it starts to effect my physical shape too. My back and neck hurts tremendously, I'm always cold, and I'm losing so much weight. I just want it to stop.

How will this go on? I don't know. I have no answers. The only thing I know, is, that if this won't stop, I 'll get seriously damaged.

I do have the access to a school therapist, but he's known for spilling one's problems to other students. So it's no option for me. I know I can't hide forever, but at least until I'm out of this town. Everybody here is quite homophobic and quite religious, so they still have the belief that being gay is a sin, an illness... . I thought of going to a therapist, but what reason could I give my parents for that? I still have three years, that I have to stay at home. Coming out to my parents is not a option for me. Well, at least not now. Thank you for the sympathy.