Any comments or advice please Much Appreciated!!

Hi all,

I have at the advice of my therapist composed a letter to my parents concerning their being completely unsupportive of my depression. I apologize in advance that this is fairly lengthy but I am having an internal conflict as to whether I should send it or not. It is somewhat harsh and I am not an intentionally hurtful person. But my therapist and husband both agree that for the type of people they are, they need to have specifics and sometimes the truth will hurt.

I would be so appreciative of any advice. Just need another opinion. Thank you!!!

Mom and Dad,

The purpose of this letter is to express my feelings in the most constructive and detailed way I know how while not allowing myself to be put in a vulnerable position given everything I have been going through. I don't feel that a conversation over the phone or in person at this point in time would be very constructive. This is for me to let go of and move forward from emotions and beliefs I have had for a long time, that I have only recently been able to name and recognize as harmful to myself and the people around me, and that need to change in order for me to move forward with my life.

DEPRESSION IS NOT A CHOICE. Just like many other diseases. Cancer. Epilepsy. Autism. Multiple Sclerosis. Alzheimer's.

The biggest difference between mental illness and many other diseases is that it is invisible. It is difficult to understand to outsiders. It is difficult to feel compassion for something you can't see or understand. Yet, it is just as serious and just as real.

Depression is not an easy disease to comprehend for one who has never dealt with it before. It is not easy to understand the crushing despair and horrendously negative thoughts that one's mind creates and is plagued with. Something that no matter how hard someone tries to distract themselves to stop it, there is no relief. It is difficult to find the compassion and empathy for someone with an invisible illness such as depression where it is impossible to see or imagine the pain so deep and constant that it makes the depressed person want to escape a life that is seemingly hopeless by any means possible. It comes to a point where death from such a lack of an existence would be a relief and end to the never-ending pain.

My experience with depression has been the most heinous, hopeless, negative, destructive feeling I never imagined could even be possible to feel. In the deepest of my depression there was nothing I could do to not feel constant despair, hopelessness, and anguish. I had no patience, no energy, no motivation. I had no will or desire, no excitement or pleasure. I felt as if I was drowning in a pit of despair that there was no way out of. As much as I tried to do anything or talk to anyone, nothing worked to stop the constant negative feelings. The voice of depression spoke so loudly to me that I felt completely out of control of myself and there was nothing I could do or anyone else could do to help me. That the only way to not live in such a dreadfully painful existence would be to end my life. I fought so hard for the will to move forward and see hope for the future.

I have spent numerous months in therapy. I have also been practicing meditative yoga. I have been exercising. I have been spending time with friends. I have been spending quality time with my son and husband and doing everything in my power no matter how daunting or seemingly impossible to better myself. All things that have been a conscious CHOICE. I could have instead chosen to do nothing and let my life crumble around me. Or I could have chosen to drown my troubles in alchohol and drugs and ended up dying young, having pushed away and lost everything of meaning in my life. Instead, I CHOSE to get better. I CHOSE to be proactive. And I CHOSE to live. Because I care enough about myself and my family to do so. And I couldn't have gotten through without the patient, compassionate, loving, understanding support of ####, my friends and other support. Without them, I would probably be dead right now.

These are all things that I didn't receive from my parents. It is easier to turn your back on something you don't understand but I don't fault you completely. There was lack of these fundamentals in your own childhood which didn't provide you the tools to provide them in mine. That being said, however, I believe that we are only partly a product of our childhoods. The rest is a choice.

We all lacked things in our childhoods and have all had problems to a lesser or greater deal in our adulthoods as a result. But some people can easily prevail with the support of others. And others become depressed or worse. I have made a conscious decision toward working hard and will continue to do so in order to move forward with my life.

I have made a CHOICE to be a different person. A person who does not dwell on negative. A person who is self-acceptant and happy. A person who focuses on family and ensuring a positive environment. A person who is not too quick to judge others. A person who is helpful to others and in turn feels good about it. A wife who appreciates, supports and loves her husband and isn't afraid to say so. A mother who is there for her son no matter what. No matter how difficult, argumentative, frustrating or hurtful. But above all I am making a choice to be there for my son if he ever gets depressed no matter how difficult it may be to deal with. He is my son and I will love him no matter what and ALWAYS be there for him and support him no matter how much I may not understand his pain. All that will matter is that he is hurting and it is my job to be his support in any way I can.

This journey of mine has made me discover myself more than I ever thought possible. It has made me realize what is good and bad in my life and what I need to do to be happy. It has made me realize that you cannot change people and expect one day you will receive the compassion and positive reinforcement as well as the unconditional love that you have always sought. I am in charge of my own happiness and cannot expect anything from anyone who is not willing to give. I am NOT a product of my circumstances. I AM a product of my decisions.

It is clear to me that through the numerous conversations as well as articles on depression that were suggested to help in understanding depression, not much has resonated. So I feel that I need to be more specific as I have been hurt more than you will likely ever understand or believe.

Before our visit 2 weeks ago, a conversation was had between #### and Mom wherein the lack of communication between Nicole and her parents was brought up. It was questioned as to 'Where the line between bad behavior and depression lies'. This because Nicole had expressed not wanting to talk about how she was doing on a prior telephone conversation that was made on speaker phone between Mom Dad and #####.

In response to this, I question you:
Where is the line between a good parent and a bad one?
Or the line between a good child and a bad one?
Or a good spouse and a bad one?

Perhaps bad behavior is questioning a severely depressed person how they are doing when it is known that they aren't doing well in front of others on speaker phone. Especially after many previous conversations on the same topic that didn't go well. Not wanting to speak about it would seem the logical and polite response to avoid further conflict.

Or perhaps bad behavior would be expressing that I must be milking it (my depression) and I don't seem legitimately depressed.

Or perhaps bad behavior would be the suggestion of shipping me off to the hospital so no one else has to deal with my depression as opposed to showing compassion and support.

Or maybe bad behavior could be Dad telling my husband, after pleading for over an hour on the telephone to at the very least try to provide a compassionate ear to your daughter in a difficult time that 'Well, I guess you're a better man than I am. Familiarity breeds contempt and I don't have time for this.' What exactly is that supposed to mean? That there really isn't the capacity for compassion or just a lack of caring to try?

Maybe bad behavior would have been asking my husband, when asking permission for my hand in marriage: 'Why would you want to marry someone like Nicole who is pretty average and not much special.'

Perhaps the reason I became so badly depressed is because I have been depressed for a long time and not realized it.

Perhaps my seeking approval from my parents throughout my life and more than often feeling as though nothing I did was good enough is a reason. Feeling criticized more often than receiving positive reinforcement and then being called 'sensitive' could be a reason. I believe I am a sensitive person and I also believe it is not a weakness. In fact, I believe it has allowed me to choose to change and realize what type of person I don't want to be. It has also allowed me to realize that I need to learn to be less stubborn and rather be more aware of the other people in my life and how my actions affect them.

Maybe when I was a delinquent teenager and swore at my Mother and was physically disciplined so much so I got a black eye as a result was because I was already depressed. Perhaps I was seeking attention and affection and approval and my behaviors were the result of being depressed from a lack of what I needed. But instead I was made to believe I was a failure, disrespectful and deserving of a beating.

Or maybe having felt so lost and alone and trying to kill myself when I was 14 was because I was already depressed. Or, being told after I took a bottle of pills and needed to go to the hospital that 'Well, that was stupid of you' is why I became depressed.

MAYBE there's a reason why there isn't the best of relationships between you and both of your children.

I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change but I am changing the things I cannot accept. I do wish for my son to have a continued relationship with his grandparents. I am choosing to put Derek first despite my own conflicts. I also wish to have a civil relationship with you. Accountability and acknowledgement would go a long way. As well as a little compassion whether or not the situation is understood. And a little more unconditional love for your own CHILD. The ball is yours.

Please know that I am no longer depressed. I am happy and flourishing and loving my life. This letter has been written with a clear mind. It is not a product of a depressed mind. Rather, this comes from the months of deep soul searching, recognition and analysis of what has caused much of my anguish. To be honest, I haven't felt comfortable speaking with you for a long time because there is a volatility to our relationship that is very unhealthy. To me, it feels as if I need to 'armour up' in order to handle a visit or conversation. In my opinion, this goes back years, not just the recent few months. In order to allow myself to heal I have needed the time to do so by only surrounding myself with those who are there to provide a compassionate ear without judgement.

My hope is that this letter is not dismissed due to me having been depressed but rather could be the beginning to a more understanding, supportive and respectful relationship between us.

Beautifully written, and inspiring to someone just beginning her journey to deal with this bear. I think whether you send it or not is totally up to you, and if you believe it will be cathartic for you. It also lays a new foundation for setting new boundaries, especially for their behavior around your son, and their reaction will show if they are willing to accept your struggle, and whether or not they will accept and support your new choices. It might produce more volatility, but they might also surprise you if you can get through to them, and who knows, maybe one of them will begin to see parallels in themselves. Either way, thank you for sharing, your quiet, stoic, strong resolution to continue on this path of getting better, well, it was an uplifting way to start my day. I admire your strength.

Thank you so much!

It has taken a lot of work courage and strength to get to where I am. To be honest I am not sure any of what I say will resonate. And in fact I have no expectations. As I agree that I cannot allow myself to be out in a vulnerable position again.

My therapist suggested this is more a means for me to free myself. And whatever the outcome know I can survive with the support I do have and the internal strength I have grasped.

I have never tried meditation in my life and it has been an amazing healing tool for me in addition to continued medication and therapy. I would highly recommend it to everyone especially those who struggle. It has allowed me to find myself and my inner peace and develop tools to survive.

Thank you all and good luck to all who continue to struggle. My journey is far from over even though I don't 'feel' depressed anymore.

Hugs xoxo

Hello .......

   I'm going to assume your name is Nikki ... or Nicole!

   I had a very similar situation of no support - but it was from my children. Of course, my mother was also that way to me - but she passed away early this year after years of Dementia. Her level of expertise was in doing her best to make me feel guilty - for almost anything she didn't want to accept - including near failure of her three marriages!

   With my children, I had so often felt no support at all from them - but once I placed the cause of that on my own divorce - after 23-years of marriage. I stopped smoking 4-years ago - and never heard one word of "thanks" or "nice job" or anything - from either of my daughters or my mother.

   By the way, my oldest daughters nameis Nicole!

   Last Fall, I wrote a letter very similar in content as yours. While I do have depression, it is not extreme. But I have had COPD for 7-years or so and metastisized cancer and kidney failure (due to the cancer) for over 3-years now. All three are not cureable .... period!

   I wrote this letter mostly for my oldest daughters reaction - but it was sent to them both. My oldest daughter, Nicole, almost agreed to sit down and talk to me - then changed her mind saying it would serve no purpose.

   I knew she would take nearly anything in a defensive way - and she did. I would be afraid your parents may do the same. If you have any hope of trying to mend a relationship, try to soften some of the things you said. I'm sure you can appreciate that my motivation was to do that.

   In my case, what happened is my oldest, Nicole, became more distant and remains that way today. It is who she is and how she reacted ... and nothing is going to change that - not even my death! Her self-preservation method is to blame others for everything .... and never accept the responsibility herself for anything in lifethat goes wrong. She's 38-years old and has a 12 and 16-year old daughter.

   However ...... with my youngest daughter ..... my letter did almost magical things. She e-mailed me right away and said she needed a few days to think about what i had said - before she gets back to me.

   She e-mailed me again within a few days and, among other things, told me that she had thought she was a good daughter ... but she now sees some things she should have done. We talked by phone - and then she said she will call me every week.

   We exchange thoughts every week, small talk - and are closer now then we had been for many years. So ...... the letter did work withone of my children - but not the other!

   Please be careful. Writing a letter or an e-mail is "making a statement and nothing more"! A statement can be misunderstood.

   Has your therapist read your letter? My first impression is like it's dropping a bomb ..... and it could be about half it's size - if possible!

   I think writing the letter is an excellent idea. Actually, if you don't send it - it was a great idea to write it all out. If you do send it, it may be easier to digest if it were shorter.

Best wishes

Rob & Gizmo