Giving This Forum a Try

My name is Paul. I belong to any number of interesting forums. Devoted dog lover and avid reader. Also active alcoholic, bi-polar with meds, and facing midlife feeling quite alone. I'm supposed to manage the circus of a family...barely ever physically alone. But you know how it is...

I think I stepped over somewhere a few days ago. My wife was formally diagnosed with Parkinson's. She been having pain and mobility problems for more than a year. Obviously chronic pain tends to make us a touch self-centered. One of those terrible things about being a caregiver.

You give and you give and you give...and there's this little voice in your head sometimes "Hey I'm hurting tonight, maybe we're a bit tired of how ****ing bad you feel today hum?". Then I've got a slacker boy still at home with his own issues. Helps with some stuff but not enough.

A daughter on the autism spectrum. Maybe the reasoning of a six year old as a pre-teen. Two grown daughters who gave up on us years ago. An elderly father who is still going physically, getting more fragile mentally. The eldest son I'm proud of but busy with his own life.

A few days ago I brought home a dog. One of my weaknesses. I love my stupid dogs to a fault. The oldest is an AmStaff, adopted as an adult and neurotic from the beginning. The second we got maybe two years ago. An AmBull boy...that boy means the world to me.

To some people he looks like a brute. But that's the stereotype of the bull breeds. They don't see his happy self early morning. Laid out on the bed with all four feet in the air. Blubbery lips rolled back, snoring for all he's worth. Easygoing with cats, most people, bomb-proof.

So back to the dog I brought home. All went well into the evening. Then the new dog followed me to the basement. Apparently our girl dog considers that one of her private places. In seconds she lashed out at the new dog. Two bulls fighting is horrifying for anyone.

...nevermind those sick ****s who do it for "sport", I can not even imagine. So I managed to end it. New dog lost blood but not fatally.

A bitten front paw and scratches. Needless to say I took her back, our girl is just too old and too unstable.

The next morning was my birthday. Reasons to be cheerful gahhhh. I felt so horrible about the night before. And the wife and my son had the nerve to get on me about being upset. That I was stupid for not knowing the girl would react like that and why would I bring home another dog anyway, and she's gone and it's all for the better...

I just feel even more empty than I did to begin with. For a few hours there the dogs all did well together and the rescued one was so gentle. All the things our older girl has never been. So I feel guilty about that but disappointed it didn't work out, sorry about the wounds.

And also feel like I go to work, go to doctors appointments, do for the kids, do for everyone and...get a hold of yourself, it's just another dumb beast we didn't need. My mum passed at 66, old for that side. I might only have another 14 years if that. Was just trying to do a good deed.

Wooof catharsis...

Hi Paul,

Welcome to the forum, you'll be glad you gave this forum a try. It sounds like you have a lot to manage in your life and I know that can be overwhelming at times.

I think it's great that you tried to do a good deed. All we can do is give things a try in our lives sometimes they will work and sometimes not but what matters most is that we tried.

There are members here who have a lot of great advice to offer. I'm sending some positive thoughts your way.

Thank you all...had a breakthrough moment the other day. After keeping company with Captain Morgan for one more night the levee broke. I had gotten used to the blackouts. I didn't drive or go out after a certain time of evening. Woke up in some unusual places...but that night it was a complete and total blank. Remember pieces-I tried to write a card-too difficult/managed to break a kitchen window bumping against it-didn't fall out of it/must have fallen couple times? Down the stairs I dunno? Bruised everywhere except my face. Hangover from Hell. But the lightbulb went off over my head "Back to the Rooms". I was in AA for 25 years before I went back out. Is my life out of control? Check Do I black out? Check Have I been carrying way too much **** on my own for too long? Check
I'm going back to Bill W. with open arms and open heart...I owe it to my bully boy.

Hi Paul,

You certainly have a lot going on, you are looking out for everyone else except yourself, you sound such a good, kind person and you deserve to be happy too.

We can go, go, go 24/7, don't need to tell you the drinking is just masking a whole bunch of hurt and basically life, a terrible depressant and a never ending circle, do it for yourself and get to AA.

I totally understand the love for your dog, my dogs are my heart, like them much more than most people I suppose! We've had very large dogs in the past, one that looked like a Pitbull and very often people were scared of him, he was the biggest baby boy, if only they knew! he'd snore right at the side of you in bed, I'd be lying 1/2 out of bed and he'd have most of it but I didn't want to disturb him! he was my baby.

Adopted several bully dogs, one hated other dogs but was the biggest baby at home, he was also my baby and was spoiled rotten.

You tried with the other dog, you have such a good heart, it wasn't your fault but yes I do understand how upsetting it was for you, totally.

May I say it's time to talk to your son who's at home...you've got too much going on and he needs to help, don't mean to be rude.

First things first, stop the drinking! it's not helping as you know, think about yourself, look after yourself too, eat well, very important and again, do it for yourself, you will feel better.

You are crashing and burning here, there's only one way to go now and that's up! you don't want to keep going on like this.

Let us know you are ok?