Years ago i was raped because of that i ended up pushing a lot of people away. i find it hard to let people get close to the real me.
i lost my confidence . i dont really feel like i'm worth anything important to anyone . and when people do seem like they want to be around me i question why they want to .
after it happened it was like something inside me shut down to stop any emotion of what had happened effect me .
i dont sit thinking about
it and im not even sure if it why i feel low sometimes.
i keep finding things really hard because i get a low feeling and even though i dont want to , that comes in takes over suffocates and pulls me down so deep i struggle to get out of it . in my mind i can hear a gun shot and that feels so free because it stops all the feelings and thoughts and leaves peace and for a second i feel free. i get so scared and feel like im never going to get past this.i did once ask someone if they could get me a but they went crazy at me over it and said no.
it goes in stages , when im happy im more confident i think about
meeting a nice guy and getting into a relationship , i can see my life moving forward , making something good of my life , i work out, i do things that all have a positive effect and that help move me away from this and forward.
but then this low feeling keeps coming back and its getting worse . negative thoughts go around in my mind and no matter how i try its so hard to think positive or even to just have the energy to. i cant handle being like this i just want to be ok and a happy person , but feeling this results in me being on my own nearly all the time, my bills build up my house gets messy , i some times sleep too much or not enough and wake up through the night. i just end up letting things go and not because i dont care but just because i dont think straight when im low .i feel scared and lost and sometimes like i should disappear. it makes me feel like something is wrong with me because i should be able to control it, its my mind and i should be able to decide to be happy and chill out but i find it hard to stop it . its all really wearing me down and i really cant find the strength to keep going round and round fighting this
i keep thinking that i should set some goals to achieve in a month to push me into changing this and if i cant and nothing works then to end it all, maybe that will push me into making things work...
i dont think of when i was raped and do not and will not go to counselling . i do not want to re live any of it and can not handle any of those feelings ever coming back . i also dont want to take anti depressants i need to feel in control and that its me who is getting through the lowness not some medication .
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/17/2014 5:30:31 PM (GMT-6)