My situation

Let me start off by saying hello. I am new here. I came here because I realize that I no longer have a support system to rely on in my life and it has been this way for longer than a year. I was diagnosed as having major depression 15 years ago. I have been through a lot in my life and feel that the causes of my depression are not being dealt with, which is why it continues to be an issue. Well, that and my life situation. Here are some of the major things you should know about me so you can understand where I am coming from: I am a female, in my early 40's. I have been married 1 time, divorced 2 years ago after 20 yrs of marriage. I actually had left my husband 8 yrs prior to the divorce. I waiting to get it finalized so our only child would be over 18 yrs old and we wouldn't go through a bunch of custody problems. The same day that I went to court for divorce, my dad died of lung cancer. He had been suffering with it for 8 months. That day I also found out that my step mom had severe Alzheimer's disease. I ended up being the "the one" who had to place her into a long term care facility because I could not take care of her properly. I knew I couldn't. I am physically disabled myself, nearly unable to walk now. I have one child, a son who just turned 21 yrs old. Last year in May, my son committed a crime, a serious one- he was convicted of murder 1st degree in February of this year and sentenced to Life, suspend all but 30 yrs in July. No close friends living near me, I live in a state away from where I was born and went to school and away from where my family is. My best friends, both of them, are both sick right now. One was diagnosed the day after my son's sentencing with stage 3C colon cancer. My other best friend is going in for heart surgery tomorrow because 3 arteries are blocked and 1/4 of her heart is so damaged it is not functioning at all. My life is nothing but staying inside, not having anything to fill my time. It leaves way too much time to think of all the things that could go wrong. Go wrong for my friends' health, for my son while he is incarcerated. He has severe learning disabilities. I am not defending his actions, I am just saying that he makes an easy target for other inmates. He has already been strangled and he said he was sexually abused too. I was sexually abused when I was 5 yrs old until I was 9yrs old. At that time, my mom committed suicide. My abuser was not my mom, but the person who it was was no longer able to get to me after she passed and I moved away. So hearing about someone hurting my only child threw me into a tailspin. I feel every day that I failed at everything in life. I am not a good mom, look how my child turned out. I am not a good friend, my two best friends in the whole world are ill and I am not by their side. I am not a good daughter, my dad asked me to take care of my step mom and instead I placed her into a facility. I don't know why my heart keeps beating... it does though. And yeah, I am on my anti depressants and I used to go to therapy. But I don't think any of it has helped. Maybe my life just sucks too much for any amount of help to really help me....

Can I say that you really need to remove the guilt you've taken on.

   You have had a ton of things to deal with. But ..... you were able to talk about them here. You're consciously fighting your wrongly placed guilt - and that's good. I think you're former therapy has done more for you than you're realizing.

   First, please don't even consider that you were a bad daughter. My mother passed early this year from dementia. There was no way i could properly take care of her once the disease became pretty severe. Even if you were in the best of health, there is no way you could have helped your step-mother - impossible! At some point, she had to have an RN close by.

   You've mentioned about some health problems of your own. Your two close friends certainly must be aware of that. Don't take on any guilt for something beyond your control. I'm sure your friends would feel the same.

   I am so sorry for your childhood. Mine was not great - but it was not filled with the terror that you had to face as a child. I hope much of your former therapy was based on your childhood distress.

   I don't know what to say ... in any form of comfort ... about your son. Several weeks ago, a close friend of mine lost her son. He commited suicide. I can see the total despair in my friend, but I can't feel it because I have been lucky enough to not to have had to go thru anything like that.

   I've gone thru a divorce after 23-years of marriage. I have two daughters - one who I'm close to and visa versa. And the other one ... i love her ... but she uses me - only calls when she needs something. Again - this is nothing compared with what you're having to accept.

   Yes ..... life can suck - but you are handling so much of it so well. Keep doing that! And while your at it, please don't take on so much guilt. They WERE things beyond your control - even with your son.

   If I can, I'de like to suggest going to see a talk therapist again. I can understand the despair health problems can bring ... I've had kidney failure three times and currently have stage #4 prostate cancer - both for 3-1/2 years now. I do go to a psychologist who specializes in terminal diseases - and it does help. So does the support group I belong to. And so does having my dog - and daily best friend, Gizmo.

   They all add meaning to life. They all give me some purpose in life. And they help me to NOT take on guilt - where I had been before!

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizzy

  

Thanks so much for all the encouragement. I really am trying to find a way to get help, to find a way to live again. One thing that I have learned from all of my life situations is this: even though it is bad right now, it won't always stay this way. I do understand that. It would be good for me to go to therapy again... even if it just gets me out of the house once a week...
My physical disability is this: I weigh 500 lbs. It is so difficult to walk. My knees both need to be replaced and my right hip needs replacing. However, because I am still going to be carrying this weight, it isn't worth replacing.... it would just end up needing more work later on...
My weight has other psychological issues too- I go to the store and teenagers think it's hilarious to take my picture with their cell phones... It is so distressing to me, that I don't shop at brick and mortar stores anymore. I can get groceries delivered now. Oh, and to that- I do not eat all day long. In fact, I haven't eaten today yet and it is after 3pm. I don't over eat, I under move.... I stay where I am at as long as possible... as if staying "frozen" will keep more bad things from happening...I have been extremely overweight since my childhood.

But since my son's crime, my movement has decreased quite a bit. I never thought he would do something like this. He was never violent and he was not a behavior problem child in school. His crime was against his only girlfriend's father and she is the one that asked him to do this. I do not know why.... it's been a year and a man is dead and I still do not know why. He said "she had her reasons and was going to tell me later." and that was enough to do that??? It doesn't make sense to me... I think he was trying to protect her. She, still to this day, says she is glad that it happened! And her trial has been postponed until Feb 2015. I find that to be ridiculous. And I think it does a disservice to the victims, to the community and to the girl herself who could be charged and try to be placed into a prison with mental health care....like my son. He is in an institution now ... a maximum security facility, but he is getting mental health care there... and I feel at least he might get better.... He was sorry he did it immediately and can't really remember the act. I just don't know how to reconcile this crime with the child I knew.. the one I raised, the boy I love. I dream every single night that my baby is being stolen from me. I wake up screaming. Most nights I cannot sleep until after 5 am. My son crept out of my house in the middle of the night to commit that crime and I know that my mind is trying to stay awake to fix this. "If only I didn't sleep that night.. if only I can go back and stop him..." I know that is a trap, the "If only" circle. Hindsight is 20/20.

I do think of my step mom every single day. I get her healthcare updates and send her letters and gifts. She doesn't remember me anymore. I am living in a different state than where she is. Because of her mental state, she was not allowed to be removed from her home state to be closer to me. I not sure why, some law that prevented that for some reason. No one is there for her, no family or friends. It does break my heart knowing she has no visitors.

I had moved here to this state prior to all of this stuff happening, before dad was ill, before my friends were ill... before my step mom was sick. I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake in leaving, but now, my son is in a state run facility here and I am torn.. do I stay here with my son or go back to where I am from? ....for now, I feel that my son needs me most.

My dream job was to become a victim's advocate. But now, I feel really strange about trying to pursue a career in that field. Also my physical disability is holding me back professionally too. It is hard to be taken seriously at my size. People look at me and think immediately "lazy, unprofessional, no impulse control, needs a lot of medical insurance and will surely raise our rates..." I had an interviewer who rolled her eyes at me when she met me. I took my resume from her hand at that point and thanked her to not waste anymore of my time. Another interviewer actually asked me if I needed the health benefit package the company offered, when I replied yes, he stopped the interview and sent me away. Look, I work hard, harder than a lot of people. I received a 4.0 in high school and when I went to finish my degree in college in 2007, I maintained that 4.0 as well as finishing my degree a semester early by doubling up on my coursework. So, I can think, I am quick with thoughts... I might not be fast on my feet but my mind makes up for it. I wish that those in charge would find some value in me. But now, I am having a hard time finding value in myself. All those job interviews seem like a world away from where I am at today. Oh and my degree is for criminal justice... Ha... :( Like another kick to the teeth.

Thanks for your post.

Yeah, I know I need to do things for myself sometimes. I just am not used to doing that. I have spent all of my adult life trying my best to take care of my son. It was so fast and so traumatic, losing him this way, I feel that I just couldn't leave just yet. I may feel differently someday.

It's interesting that you mention working from home or starting my own business. I was actually thinking of doing just that. Perhaps I will go to the free seminars held here at the local employment office concerning starting your business. It can't hurt and it is a free seminar. Even though I said that becoming a victim's advocate was my dream, I also have thought about becoming an end of life planner. There are wedding planners and I know that this can't be a new concept. But I was thinking that I could find funeral homes to arrange different types of funerals and services, maybe get a package deal with them and a cemetery or something maybe engravers and casket makersm florists..etc I know that I would want to find people the best deals for what they would want. People could pre-plan their own funerals. It would be easier on the family and you would know that is what your loved one would have wanted... It's just an idea I have and would need to learn what laws would pertain to arrangements of this type and all the main details etc. Just thinking out loud.

I also meant to update you guys on my friend whose surgery was scheduled for today- it was postponed at the last minute and will take place instead on Tuesday. So, at least for this weekend, I can breathe a bit easier. I just spoke with her at length on the phone. She totally understands why I cannot be there with her. I love her as if she were my sister. <3

*hugs* Karen, I don't understand what fibromyalgia is or does to a person, but I hope that there are ways for you and your friend to control it or work through it. Is it painful? I am sorry if I seem ignorant of this disorder. It just isn't something that I am familiar with beyond just commercials for new medications for it. I hope it doesn't disrupt too many things for you and your friend.

Thanks for your encouragement. I feel better just knowing that I am not really alone in all of this.

I honestly want to help others. When my dad passed, he had refused to talk about what his final wishes were. It made making decisions difficult during a time when I didn't want to make those decisions. So, I thought that starting up a business like the end of life planner would offer help to people before they are in no shape to make those choices, while they still have a clear mind and things are not pressing so hard on their shoulders. Hopefully I can figure this out.

Karen,

That sounds so debilitating, the fibro.. It's good that your medications and therapy help. I had no idea how much that disorder could hurt a person and their lives. Along with depression, it must have been so hard to pull through. But you seem like a fighter, and I applaud your bravery and working through it all.

I may have chronic fatigue, but my PC seems to just think it's my weight. I don't think so, I feel that I am more than just tired from weight. I can sleep good at night and feel completely drained within 2 hours of waking. So drained I sleep again for another 6 hours or so. But only on days when my anxiety is in check, my anxiety will keep me up for very long periods of time.

Thanks for the pointer, I can do a lot of research here at home about starting up my business. It will hopefully give me more to concentrate on instead of the anxiety and stress just taking over.

Take care and hope that you are having a good night and weekend. ox

Hugs,
Heather