HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Really struggling.

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 8/27/2014 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi.

Lots of physical medical stuff going on. Also dx with depression/anxiety. Just hard time lately. Lots of stuff up in the air. Been very very irritable and angry lately. Don't want to be like that. Overwhelmed. Doing what I can just to put one foot in front of the other each day.

Frustrated. Unsure. Guess the bottom line is that I don't have to decide my future right this moment. I've been trying to make up my mind about whether to keep going on, to stay in this world, but I guess really I just have to decide for this moment what I will do. Guess I can do that.

So tired of negativity around me. It's like I can't deal with people who get so freaking annoyed over the tiny things in life, like the "bother" of having to water the plants or "having" to reply to an email to a friend. Am I just as negative? I hope not. How do I block out the negative?

Someone tell me it will be ok.
Posted 8/27/2014 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
oh SUNNY ~~your name make me sunny :)

i am in same boat as you ,other day yelled at my mom and today felt sad and cried and asked myself "was it worth it"answer i got was "no"
so took a resolution to never yell at her as i love her a lot so my mean words break her heart but she never says ,it broke my heart too but she doesn't tell me so as not to hurt me.

when we are annoyed we don't know how much we affect ppl arnd us and make them anxious and nervous .So i am staying more quieter these days /as calm will give me calm "back"

the more annoyed i get more anxiety=panic attack.

i know i sound philosphical but life is too short for mistakes ,once we do we better quickly "fix"them " .

your post made me emotional .
i hope you find peace and go slow ...
rest more and relax!
keep us posted.
Posted 8/27/2014 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
Sunny- you are NOT alone & it WILL be ok. I don't even know you but I can promise it WILL. It may not be on our time schedule, (I want things better yesterday and an very impatient), but it really will be ok!!! I saw a quote on Facebook the other day "not to spoil the ending for you, but everything is going to be ok."

Not sure of your religion or no religion, and I know we aren't supposed to talk religion, so I'll be simple- you were put here on purpose, make no mistake about that. The universe needs and wants you here or you wouldn't have even been born. I know it's rough to live with physical and emotional hurts, I truly empathize, but it won't be this rough forever. ALL storms always pass. Some like to hang around longer than we like but we ARE equipped to handle it, that includes you.

Are you taking any medication for your depression/anxiety? Are you seeing a pain mgmt doctor &/or are your physical issues being addressed by a doctor?


I am sending you healing white light to blanket you from head to toe. You keep talking here. We are all in similar boats or have been. We care about you and want to hear whatever you have to say even if it's voicing your frustrations and anger! Get it out! My mom always said "better out than in." She was talking about bm's or gas (LOL), but the same applies when we have stored up anger or hurts.

Hugs!

Lisa
Posted 8/27/2014 6:43 PM (GMT 0)
Negativity spreads quickly. It is so very hard to stay positive, but monitoring the self-talk in your head helps. Saying, "I can do this" or "This is something I can do" instead of "I bite" or "I can't do this" or "I don't like this."

People tend to share the little things, rather than the big. It is a version of small talk. I don't want to go to the store to buy milk versus my parent is dying or my relationship with my child is poor, or whatever.

Often, we defeat ourselves by assuming an all-or-nothing attitude. It is so hard, especially with multiple conditions that dictate how we physically feel, to make a plan. But a plan is steps, and needs to be do-able steps, and not everything at once.

Hugs, kiddo.
Posted 8/27/2014 11:12 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the messages of support.

Saw my psychiatrist this morning actually, decided not to change meds, but keep an eye on things. Just feeling a ton of stress from all the medical stuff. I have many specialists and also see a therapist 2x a week.

Seems lately my life consists of going from the bed to the couch and back again. I have decided that I really don't like being "sick" for this long. (Not that anyone would like it!!) Sort of has robbed me of a sense of purpose in my life. Had to quit doing my volunteer work over a year ago, haven't had a paying job in quite a few years, and just feel so physically bad lately that I don't have much I feel I am able to give, to anyone.

I feel lonely and with no sense of direction. I am trying to remind myself that those feelings are happening because I am kind of stuck in my apt. and unable to do much right now. Will I regain a sense of direction and purpose when I feel better or do I need to be doing something now to make that happen in the future?? I am worried.
Posted 8/27/2014 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
You will gain your sense of purpose back, promise. Do you live in a big city or small town? Do you have a phone? I ask bc I was a phone volunteer to the elderly who were housebound. I got a name and number and would call them once or twice/week. That's it, just a phone call to chat with them and keep them company. It helped me and helped them. You could look up your local council on aging or senior citizen agency and ask if they have phone volunteer positions that you could do from home.

I'm pretty sure there are military volunteer organizations that give you a soldiers name and you write them letters. That might cost you stamps though, not sure.

Those are some ideas that you could do from home from your couch or bed while you're healing!

I wish you a good evening sunny!! We'll keep you company any time you need to bend an ear. That's what this forum is for and exactly why we are all here too :-)

Lisa
Posted 8/28/2014 12:06 AM (GMT 0)
WE WILL BE OK :).

I know what it's like to feel scared of the future, to feel extreme pressure from every thought of what may or may not be round the corner. I know it's easy to say to just live in the present, because I have to tell myself it every day, sometimes repeatedly! But it is one of the things that I find helpful. To think about the future when you're not even sure if you can get out of bed is too much, it's scary. But you don't need to think that far ahead. Rather than being scared of the future, or feeling guilty that I'm not exactly where I supposedly 'should be' in life, or reminiscing about bad things from my past I've decided to just think about what I like in life. Do you have anything you're passionate about or think you could become passionate about? Things such as; painting, talking to people, reading, singing, fishing, meditating etc etc?

Remember to not give yourself a hard time, many people are going threw what we are. Life can be really hard and it pushes a lot of people to breaking point. If your struggling to think positively at points, I try and picture beautiful serene places from around the world, waterfalls and such to try and pull myself away from stress.

Leila.
Posted 8/28/2014 12:11 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry, I forgot you said you had physical problems. I'm the same, I've had ongoing surgery from the age of 7, I'm 23 now. I'm nearly better now though :). But yeah since remembering your physical situation then you could scrap some of the ideas I put down for things your passionate about (like fishing!) and maybe think about things you could get interested in that you could do right from your couch, crafts, collecting things, video games.

Leila
Posted 8/28/2014 1:43 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replies. Very thoughtful people you all are.

The reason I live is so that I can be of help to someone else. I don't have that feeling of doing any good for anyone lately. I do like the ideas that I am getting from you all.

I like to feel connected to people. In recent months, I cry a lot. Not really sad or happy tears, just overwhelming feeling tears. Does that even make sense?? I just mean that my emotions get so strong, whether positive or negative, and it all comes out in tears. Crying now. Feeling your warmth and support.

Not sure what other people need in their lives, but I crave the connection. Talked to a woman at Mayo Clinic today (was there at beginning of the month for testing), and she assured me she would take care of a few things for me. I thanked her and then she said, by the way, the doctor mentioned that he really appreciated the card you gave him. Made my day to know he liked it. In it, I had thanked him for helping me, I said that "after 36 years of GI trouble and all the pain, shame, and embarrassment that went with it, i finally could see a light at the end of the tunnel." Then, without thinking, I added "and no, it's not a scope." I think he was/is my angel.

I'm rambling now. But thank you for your ideas, I will start looking into a "couch hobby" tomorrow!! I'll let you know what I find.
Posted 8/28/2014 2:00 AM (GMT 0)
I am a people person too Sunny. I've been very lonely myself. I have a loving husband and 2 dogs so I'm not totally alone but 3 of my closest friends have moved away. 2 this year (one was my best friend & confidant for 9 yrs). I don't have any other close friends in the city I live in. My hometown is 40 mins away & I still have my mom, sisters & many friends there but it's still 40 mins away...

I don't work and all 3 friends that moved were homemakers too so now I'm lonely and I've taken it pretty hard. I'm looking for volunteer work or a part-time job. I'm nervous to get a job too- it's a fear on a good day let alone when I'm trying to recover from anxiety/depression.

My point is, I understand loneliness and needing to be connected and helping others. We'll get through this together!

Hugs,
Lisa
Posted 8/28/2014 2:22 PM (GMT 0)
Fully understand what you mean about your emotions overwhelming you and just pouring out in tear form! There are so many aspects in life that your mind can get bogged down by. I believe having a focus no matter how small or large can really help.

I've had another idea for your couch hobby!! I've just downloaded an app on my phone, it's free, called duolingo and it helps you learn a language in quite a simple & fun way. You would have to have an iphone though.

Touching on what you said about enjoying feeling valued, rather than a couch hobby you could create a couch help system!.......you could create care packages for the people of struggling countries, you could order the things from online like socks, toothpaste blah blah blah and put it in a cute little boxes. or are you able to make it to your kitchen? You could make soup for homeless shelters, or cakes, I'm sure they'd enjoy a treat! I don't know, I'm just brain storming!! Let me know what you come up with :)

Leila
Posted 8/28/2014 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
The support and thoughtful comments just keep pouring in. Thanks for showing me that people do care and that I am not alone. Mom is coming over to help me do some straightening up around the apt. Nothing major, just get a bit overwhelmed (and tired and in pain) pretty easily these days. Pacing myself and gonna do my best to stay positive. Also decided when I need a break I will check out some of the volunteer stuff in my city. Surely some of it must be able to be done from home. Even thinking of emailing the volunteer coordinator at the adult day care where I used to help out and asking if they need stuff done that I could come in for even 1 hour here and there. Close to home and they were always super kind people. Just need something not too physical and something I can do whenever/like not really plan a schedule ahead of time cuz I never know when I will feel good or start feeling bad. Must be something for me to do!!

Thanks for all the continued love and support. Means the world to me. My goal is to be able to pay it forward when I am able, and also to return the love and support to all of you.

Sometimes it seems like holding onto that bit of hope is the hardest thing ever, and I think thru all of you, I have been able to keep it in my grasp. Thanks.
Posted 8/28/2014 5:53 PM (GMT 0)
Sunny,

Forgive me because I can't remember, but do you have chronic pain? It sounds like you do. I have fibromyalgia and pacing yourself is so important.

I use to make holiday wreaths for Christmas time for the animal shelter. I cant' get the greens anymore so the last couple of years I made winter scarfs. This year I really can't afford it, but I am making some for the holidays for gifts. It keeps my hands busy. I crochet them. So if you do something to donate, try to make it something you enjoy. I have a feeling you need some time for you and enjoyment.

Know we are always here for you.

I also never know when I am going to feel good either. It makes it hard to make plans or appointments.

Anyway, take care today. Keep posting as it does help...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/29/2014 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
I do have chronic back pain, as a result of spinal cord surgeries for problems with Spina Bifida. Have been dealing with pain management stuff for over 16 years. I am 36. Also have multiple chronic health problems, including recently dx bulging discs in neck (and associated nerve problems in arm/hand), bowel and bladder problems, other GI problems, chronic migraines, joint pains, severe dental problems, and of course, the anxiety and depression (well, technically Bipolar type 2, along w/ borderline personality disorder.) That's kind of the general list for what's currently happening! Enough for me. On lots of meds and stuff.

Just found out earlier today that the sister of a friend passed away today. How sad. Reminds me to pay attention to what's important in life and try to let the other stuff go. To not take things too seriously. And to connect w/ people and value the relationships you have with them.

Gonna try to go to bed soon, went out for dinner with a group of friends; we meet same place same time every week. All people from a depression support group. Have known many of them for over 12 years now. Nice to see them and just feel comfortable being me. We can talk mental health stuff, but don't focus too much on it. Just a supportive bunch. Big mistake to eat though....just had plain pasta (no sauce) with a bit of mushrooms and spinach (cooked) on it, and plain white dinner roll. But wow, the nausea is horrendous. It's been really bad lately, there 24/7, worse anytime I eat anything at all, but tonight it's just beyond awful. Recently had to stop my sleep meds so I could increase the Zofran (anti-nausea med), there was a drug interaction between them that could cause heart to stop. Some people can deal w/ nausea and go about their day, I'm more the person who will be curled up in bed, not wanting to move the slightest bit. Want to go to bed now, but don't know that I can take my night meds. Maybe a nap on the couch will work.

Thanks for listening to my rambling. I often get carried away with my thoughts.

And I appreciate all the support I am getting here. Planning on spending some time this weekend looking for and exploring some options for "couch hobbies". Can do them easily from home/the couch, won't hurt my already sore hands, neck, back, (hell my whole body), and could work on them for 5 minutes or 50 minutes at a stretch without a lot of set-up or whatever. I'll keep you posted on what i discover.

Ok, nap time until i can stomach my meds.


Good night and sweet dreams!
Posted 8/29/2014 6:27 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Sunny...Hopefully you've gone to bed and are having sweet dreams by now.  The gals have some great suggestions for you...one step in front of the other.  IMO always say I CAN. 

It's been my experience that "CAN'T" has been the death of many.  My older sister has retired in the past 2 years.  Sure...she has some health issues that cause pain, but she has no coping skills.  She has convinced herself that she is just helpless.  All I ever hear from her is I CAN'T.  Funny how SHE COULD spend vacation week in Hot Springs, travel home then back up into the mountains for a birthday party.  She says "Dixie, you just can't imagine the pain!"  Oh, really?  Last I checked I wasn't on vacation. I can't remember our last vacation, nor do I desire to take one.  My only trips have been to/from doctors for shingles for now 13 weeks.  I'd simply be satisfied to feel less like crap to perform my work and care for my home. My sister chooses to obsess about her "ailments" instead of getting up and doing the things she can.  IMO she's learned that her husband pays more attention to her when she plays the "helpless" card.  She likes that attention and she wants pity.  I don't have any, because she doesn't consider my suffering in silences and soldiering on.  I don't mean to seem like such a hard@##, because I am fundamentally a kind and loving person.  I have a heart filled with mercy and empathy for those who suffer, yet soldier on.  I hope that you, SUNNY, will find a way=)

My pastor's philosophy is that if you're depressed, bake a cake for a neighbor or a person you know is alone.  He said no matter how depressed you are, there's someone in your neighborhood who would love to spend time talking and sharing a piece of your gifted cake.  My suggestion would be a senior living center.  There are so many viable people there who feel lonely and abandoned.  You could volunteer to call Bingo, or play Dominoes or Hearts or Spades.  I promise it would give you such satisfaction to know you made them happy.

It's one of...if not THE most rewarding things I do.  Sunny...think about some of the previous suggestions given.  I promise any one of these things will help you to feel "significant" again.  Don't take to the couch, as that's ultimately bad for you.  As the commercial says...A body at rest stays at rest.  A body in motion stays in motion.  Don't "overdo" but keep your mind and body busy when possible.

We're all here for you whenever you need to talk.  You're not alone, sweet girl=)

HUGS~~Dixie

Posted 9/3/2014 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
Dixie--

Thanks for the comments. Much appreciated. I have gotten a lot of good advice over the past several days or so. And I am doing my best to put it into action. I know that I CAN and WILL get thru these tough times, just have to figure out how to make them less tough and more pleasant. I was going to say more bearable, but I want my life to be better than just bearable!! Have been in contact with a few of my docs and doing my best to keep that part of life manageable for now. Not easy, but trying to make the best of a bad situation. Right now I'm at a friend's house, going to help her with some things that are overwhelming her! Hopefully will ease her mind a bit and also make me feel sorta useful! And I do really just want to help her feel a bit less stressed.

Gonna be starting a new sleep med tonight, that will hopefully help me physically and mentally if I am getting better sleep. Yay!!

My GI doc is out of the office this week (boo!!) so any further word on what's going on with that stuff will have to wait. I find that the waiting part of the health stuff is really what gets me feeling depressed, it's like I can handle all the bad stuff going on with my body as long as we (myself, docs, specialists, whoever) is working on doing something about it. But when I know there will be no progress made/no action taken on making the physical stuff better for a period of time, I don't do so well. I start getting hopeless and feeling like this "hell" is never going to end. Like just getting the message that my GI is not in this week--my mood really dropped, really fast. I know that there is really no hope of solving the nausea mystery or of being referred to the surgeon, etc, until at least Monday. So frustrating mentally and emotionally.

I used to volunteer at an adult day care facility and did really enjoy it. However, right now I'm not able to do that because of my physical health. I am nauseous basically the entire time I am awake, although it does get better and worse at times. I have chronic pain, my neck, back, mouth, migraines, and pretty much all joints lately (undx at this point), and have lots of GI problems. I have other medical stuff going on too, but the rest of it is pretty under control at this point. Just telling you this cuz it makes it hard to commit to go anywhere or do anything, I never know if I'm going to feel horrible in 2 minutes, or maybe it won't be for 2 hours. There really is no predicting it. So, that's why I'm looking for the "couch hobby". For the hours and hours I spend on the couch or in bed just not feeling well enough to be doing much of anything.

My attitude is doing better today. Feeling very nauseous though and got a migraine still trying to hang on to me from a few days ago. I think I'm winning that battle though!! Well, got to stop rambling and start helping my friend. Thanks everyone for the kind and encouraging words. I will keep coming back for more and trying to pay it forward when I am able to.
Posted 9/3/2014 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Sunny...Glad to hear you're helping out a friend.  I truly understand your frustrations of not only the chronic pain issues, but also the complicated process of obtaining proper treatment.  I share your feelings of the depression intensifying while performing diagnostic tests and waiting for results.  Mine is (and continues to be) a HORROR story.  I also feel ya with the nausea.  SO MANY meds that could potentially relieve my pain cause deadly constipation and crippling nausea.  Zofran has helped me through the pain med trials since enrolling in PM this year.  The nausea got so very bad that I was tearing ligaments in my rib cage.

In regards to the "work" at a senior center...I certainly didn't mean the intense physical labor of attending to patient needs.  I simply meant this:  If you are having a somewhat "okay" day, visit a senior center and just say hello.  If you have a puppy dog, take him.  The residents LOVE that interaction.  I live what I preach, in order to live. 

I had to sign POA papers in 2005 (during the hurricane Katrina/Rita aftermath) to admit my now 88 year old mom to a nursing home facility.  She had broken her hip and underwent total hip replacement, and could no longer live alone.  It has been beyond my worst nightmares to oversee her healthcare as her POA (another whole story)  While these 9 years with her rage and hostility have shaved years off my life, they've been a blessing in other ways.  I have met, loved and lost some of the sweetest folks I've ever known.  I call the residents my SENIOR PEEPS.  There are days I have to pull my face from the toilet and just "show up" for Bingo or Dominoes.  I am amazed at the joy a container of homemade peanut butter crackers with marshmallow fluff can bring folks.  I leave there, if nothing else, knowing I brought a moment of sunshine into their dark world.  I also leave with a sense of gratitude that I am able to leave...to get in my car, turn on my CCR and head home.

I, like you, need to feel that I have the answers.  I don't.  I've fallen through more cracks than I've skipped in today's healthcare system.  Much of my suffering could have been avoided, especially the stress of medical professionals who have no soul. 

HUGS~~Dixie  

Posted 9/3/2014 7:50 PM (GMT 0)
Sometimes distraction can really be a good thing for problems like chronic pain and nausea. the hard part is getting going enough to be distracted. I was able to distract for a bit with helping my friend out. Did make me feel like I had some purpose. Nausea is really nasty today though, and the second we stopped "working" on stuff, I wanted to just curl up in a ball and not move at all. Gonna put the air conditioning on now at my friend's place and take a break for a couple minutes.

Been trying to just do things a few minutes here and there. Like at my apartment, do cleaning for 5 minutes maybe, then it's back to resting for a while. At least that way some stuff gets done and I feel some sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, but don't make the pain and stuff a whole lot worse in the process.

Actually helping my friend today with some stuff for a mental health conference that she is helping to put together! So, coming across some pretty interesting articles and empowering statements, etc. I'll try to get on here later and remember to share some of those things with everyone!!

Ok, time to rest for a few.

Thanks for all the encouragement and support and letting me know I am not alone.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply