Too Smart for Therapy

Hi, Im new to this forum....and excited to find something or somewhere to go to for suggestions or just to find others going through the same things. And I thank you in advance for reading my long post.

I have a 20 year old daughter with Major depression, Social Anxiety and Panic Disorder, and currently she is attending an Intensive Outpatient Treatment Program at a near by psychiatric hospital. Outside of that she has a therapist she sees weekly.

I haven't known how to help her in the past because basically I didnt know she had all this. Which makes me feel like the worst parent ever and so guilty beyond belief. I/we are just recently discovering that she may have had depression since she was a toddler. She had a very unstable upbringing due to bad decisions ive made in the past which of course adds to my guilt, but ive changed my life and most importantly am careful with my decisions especially when it concerns my children....who by the way are all now grown. I discovered recently (past two years) that my daughter has depression and a couple other disorders. I always felt her depression was my fault due to decisions I had made in the past that hurt her emotionally. Not saying that those decisions were not a contributing factor, but there was also a lot of love in our home, a lot of communication and affection. She has two sisters who can remember a lot of fun times throughout their childhood but also many sad and hard times. Except my youngest says she has never had any good times or can remember any good memories. I used to take that personal thinking she just wanted me to feel like a bad mom. But then I remember her saying she felt like she was born with depression.

I started trying to get her into therapy a few years ago in the beginning, way back even before I knew she had depression...i just knew something was wrong but we were inconsistent. We would see a therapist a couple of times then never return, partly because she didnt like them and partly because maybe I wasnt ready to face my mistakes. I knew something was bothering her since 4th grade, she started getting anxiety about going to school, I just thought she was spoiled and being lazy (she is the baby of the family), she would miss a day here and there, but by High school she would miss full weeks at a time. I did contact school counselors and school police, thinking she just didnt want to go, I had no idea that it was depression. It wasnt until about 10th grade we got a little more consistent with therapy, by this time she was on independent studies and would just stay in her room all day. She had no friends, and was never happy. By the time she was 18 she moved out (with her boyfriend she met through her sisters boyfriend) and thats when I realized she may have clinical depression...... learning from her boyfriend that she would cry almost daily. Thats when I really seeked out help and researched Depression and educated myself on what my daughter has. She has since broke up with this boyfriend. So its only been two years since then. And it seems she is getting worse. But looking back (hindsight is 20/20) I can see little signs way back to when she was in Day Care, she was always different, she was a loner. Never making friends (but we moved alot...my fault). Never feeling good about herself.

So my poor daughter has had low self esteem, sadness, lonliness, feelings of worthlessness and anxiety most of her life and I never knew. Until now. But now it seems like she is so lost and in such darkness Im so afraid for her. Another important factor, she is very smart. A little above average...ive been told this from very on. She has always been smart and likes to read, she is very updated on things going on in the world and she knows a little bit about everything which tells me she does read a lot. So one of her theories is that Therapy will not help her. That she is too smart for it. That she knows better than to believe everything she hears or is told and that a therapist can just make her think differently. she says that people who may not be as smart (not saying theyre dumb) may be easier to help because they dont know better and can be swayed or taught to think differently.This makes an already delicate situation even more difficult.

I feel so helpless, but am working through my guilt with my own therapist. I just dont know what to do for her when she thinks that way. Is this a common way of thinking for someone in her situation?

Also, she is unable to hold a job, she is actually unable to support herself in this point of her depression. this is the worst it has ever been. I have been paying her rent for her wherever she has been staying. She has been moving around alot lately. I have given her the option of staying with me but she does not want to. She has also began behavior that cannot be discussed here. I just dont know what to do for her. I know as an adult she has to begin to take steps to help herself but when she thinks that no one can help her it all feels so hopeless. My heart is breaking with thoughts that my daughter may live out the rest of her life this way. I offer all the support I can but financially I am not going to be able to for much longer.

The hospital she attends for the outpatient program has mentioned Disability or SSDI or SSI, does any one know if this is a realistic option for her? Plus she wants to move out of state, she plans on moving within two weeks, which reminds me....all of her decisions are so urgent!! When she feels a certain way or makes a decision it has to be done now. Is that part of the depression.

I will end my rambling for now because I can easily go on.

I hope to find some suggestions or just some insight....thank you

I am on disability due to my mental health condition being severe. So it is possible. I had a good lawyer. And years of documentation. backing up my claim. Took me 2-1/2 years to get SS. Good luck!

Hi Brendaboo,

Thanks for the insight, I truly appreciate it. At one point through all this I was thinking that my daughter was being partly manipulative...she is very smart and knows she has me wrapped around her finger because of my guilt. She can pretty much get me to do anything for her. I have been so confused with those thoughts and thas specifically why I felt I needed to be involved in her therapy. I needed to know how much to help without being an enabler and how much I needed to step back, it is still very unclear. There are a few other Diagnosis that they are trying to confirm but its just hard no matter what. I truly believe she should be in inpatient!! Reading the posts on here are helping me understand behaviors that I see in her and that they are common symptoms. Thank you again.

I also hope that you are doing better yourself!!

Hi luvmygrls-

What a caring parent you are to seek out information and help for your baby girl. You have found the best forum for advice and support.

Since your daughter is attending the intensive outpatient group therapy, was there an intake first, with a nurse? The nurse then consults with the psychiatrist on duty, to "gain admittance" into the group therapy. That's how they do it in my city.

My point is, if this is how her intake went, did a psychiatrist or therapist talk with her about seeing one of the psychiatrist for further evaluation?

Has she ever been on medication? If not, would she be willing?

I think medication plus individual therapy & the group therapy would work well for her.

Have you googled bi polar or a bi polar online test? When you said when she makes up her mind to do something & just does it, I thought of bi polar. It's very treatable with meds and therapy. Sometimes ppl w/bi polar are just treated with mood stabilizers or anti psychotics (sounds scary but it's not). Sometimes they are treated with anti depressants in combination w/a mood stabilizer or antipsychotic.

Only a psychiatrist can diagnose this based on questionnaires, history and what the patient is presenting with.

As far as thinking she's too smart for therapists, I have depression & anxiety right now and a bachelors degree in Human Services (combo degree of social work and psychology) & I've not felt like I was too smart to be helped. But, I'm also 43 and when I was 20, I might have had such thoughts- thinking I "knew everything."

Depression can make you feel hopeless or un-helpable, I've def felt that before.

My advice would be to get her evaluated by a psychiatrist. The counselors at the intensive outpatient group therapy can help you w/referrals as can her therapist. Bc of her financial situation, I know there are agency's & psych hospitals that will work with ppl who are poor or don't have insurance so that should not stop her from getting help.

You can't fight this for her, she needs a doctor. You're doing everything right by educating yourself. I'm glad you're in therapy too bc while her childhood may have influenced some of her issues, it sounds like she very much has a chemical imbalance. That does not make her or you flawed or responsible anymore than if she had diabetes.

Hang in there momma. Get a referral for her and make sure she puts you on the list of ppl that can access her medical records etc.

Hugs!
Lisa

Brendaboo,

Thank You, again!! It amazes me how so many of us are going through the same issues. I keep finding myself saying " I dont wish this on my worst enemy", and to know so many go through this daily breaks my heart. Im so thankful for finding this forum, I believe it will definitely help do some good for me along with my therapy.

I hope that someday I can learn how to live my life for me again!.....baby steps!!!