Anxiety up today

It's my last day at a rough school. I was here for three days total.

Just finished a class, and had an awful time. Specifically, an awful time with 3 gents, who spent their class period wrestling and fighting and yelling. The other kids, most of whom were trying to work, had to give up because the gents were making so much noise. They are 14.

Whenever I asked for backup, the guy would come in and the guys would sit down and open their books. Once he left, they were right back doing the same ole.

It makes me tense and upset, despite the fact I have a lot of experience. But, ya know, who respects a substitute.

One girl had her papers taken from her, and a guy knocked her stuff on the ground. I interceded.

I then slipped her a note. I noticed they were being rude to you. Are you okay with me telling your teacher? She wrote back I am used to it. It's okay.

I answered, No, not okay. I completely understand where you are with this. I will get better, which sounds crazy but it is true. Good luck!

I am holding onto that right now. She looked so relieved as she left the room.

The next two classes are so-so, so I just have to make it two more hours.

Never coming back here.

Yep, definitely not going back.

Then there was a fire drill. Then I had to send a student to the office. Then I had three nasty little giggling girls, and add another four onto that total for the last class.

I lost it, I am afraid. The kids not only don't care that they are not learning--they like the fact that they won't get any learning accomplished. The regular teachers either shell-shocked or have deadened faces. By the end, I was sitting up front, and trying to keep from crying. Every time I stood up, I would lose my balance and crash into something. My colon is spasming again. My muscles are vibrating.

I just do not get it. I love and always have loved to learn. Even outside school, I would read biographies and encyclopedias. Every summer through high school and college, I would pick a great American playwright. I would read a bio, then I would read a bunch of plays, and then I would read criticism/analysis. There are kids like me out there still, perhaps even some at this school. But they are being oppressed and forced to listen to teachers try to discipline other students. Every. day. It will break their enjoyment of school.

I am trying to get calmed down.