i don't want to do this anymore.

Dear Sunny,

This dark feeling you have WILL pass.

We all go through this at once time or another. If you want to talk in detail, feel free to email me. Put HW in subject line in case you end up in SPAM.

Use your coping skills, they will help, it may not seem like, however they do.

Start a gratitude journal, even if it is for toilet paper the first day. It is a start. Walk 10 min a day, get out of the house.

Look up radical acceptance. It is one of the hardest things we have to learn to deal with, when it comes to our illness's. Facing and accepting what we have been diagnosis with. Then, telling that dx that it does not control you, you control IT!

Peace and strength
Trina

Hey Sunny...I'm sending cyber HUGS to embrace you and to tell you "It's gonna be okay, Sweetie".  Yes, indeed life sucks more days than not.  Believe me, I understand what you are feeling.  I feel the same way SO often...then BOOM! another medical malady...that makes me wish I felt as good as I did before the latest shart hit the fan=)

You've gotten some good advice here, ALL of which is GOOD.  The gratitude is so true...right down to the TP.  If you are able (I'm fairly new here and don't know folks yet) do get OUT of the house and OUT of the darkness.  Depression is SO seductive, it will draw you deeper into that space of "why bother" or "what else is there?"  When it is compounded with physical issues, as you know, it's that much harder.  I find that if I can just get out onto the deck and sit in the sunshine with my Dals, it helps my feelings. I'm guilty of cursing and crying out to God..."What else are you going to DO to me".  I know it's wrong, but it's real.  Invariably, He shows me how much worse it can be.

This entire summer has me plagued with shingles in my eye/face/scalp (yep, life can suck WAY more, I promise).  Sunshine has been my enemy.  I've spent way too much time inside because of the pain.  I've been told by my doctors that (A) "This virus in your eye causes such unbearable pain that patients have been known to take their lives to escape it."  Really?  My PM doctor told me this after NOT seeing me in the initial stages.  I had to go to a Quik Clinic for meds to combat the initial outbreak because neither my PM or my PCP could "work me in" (B) "If you don't reduce your stress, it's going to slam the lid on your coffin."  Yes, I know this is true, but how do you de-stress with everyone wanting/expecting a piece of you?  I am the Calvary on the white horse for my crazy family...I have always been.  I'm always THERE for everyone who needs me.  Is it reciprocated?  Hell no.  My having the shingles virus in my eye has made me feel like Job. I, like you, am often ready not only to start the fire, but to sit until it becomes ashes.

I say ALL of that to say this, Sunny.  I FEEL your pain.  I FEEL your frustration.  I FEEL your exhaustion.  I FEEL your sense of utter futility.  Sometimes it helps me to just FEEL validated in my loneliness and pain.  I wish you were here with me.  We could sit (in the shade) on my deck, have a cup of whatever you like, and just talk.  It WILL GET BETTER.  But you will have to eat your cheerios, regroup and get busy...doing something, anything better than "performing a mental autopsy of your life".  That never ends well.

PLEASE know that you are not alone.  There are so many good folks here who care about you. I AM ONE of them.  My email is there if you need to chat. 

HUGS~~Dixie

Ugh!, What load you carry.

However, do you see the kindness you hold for others?

This compassion is in you for yourself too. There is a good book, entitled, Mindfulness Path to Self-Compassion. I have read it 3x
and try hard to do one or two of the exercises a week. It does make a difference in handling our illness's.

Peace and strength
Trina

-cranky moment-

We all want out. We do not chose this life or these conditions. They happen, and they are neither fair nor fun. I don't like spending all my money on medications/doctors. I hate feeling unable to do the things that give me pleasure. I detest feeling weak and am angry at a universal deity who would allow us to be in such pain that I cannot follow my dreams and hopes.

So, yeah, you are allowed to want out. That is totally normal.

But the thing is: It doesn't really matter what happens to us. What defines US is our reaction to the situation.

I do take meds for depression (and a million other things). Right now I'm taking Pristiq, Viibryd, Lithium ER (technically dx w/ bipolar type II), and also Nuvigil, Clonazepam, and Lunesta. I have been on many different psych meds over the past 20 years (I am 36 now). Also doing individual therapy 2 times a week and DBT group therapy once a week. My therapist has been on vacation for two weeks, will see her next Tues. Doesn't help that my two closest friends are both out of town right now, so very minimal contact with them. Did reach out for help from my case manager though, told her I was struggling with some really bad thoughts and feelings, we talked and decided to work on a crisis plan. Something to help me identify when things are starting to go downhill, what to do about it (like who can I call, what coping skills can i use, and when to seek out a higher level of care, etc). Lately, like the past year or so, it feels to me like I go from being ok to being ready to call it quits really fast, like a matter of days, or a day even. But I'm thinking there must be things leading up to that "crash" that I'm just not aware of.

Gotta call my psychiatrist later this morning, at a time when most people are actually awake, about a med issue, so will probably give her a heads up that I'm struggling. I have an appt. with her on Monday, so that's good. And made plans to spend a couple hours with family later this morning too, so that will be a good distraction.

I'm sure that part of my depression right now is that when my doc referred me to the surgeon, I began thinking about what life will be like when I'm not sick all day every day anymore. I really have no life to go back to. I basically have been sick, whether mentally or physically, since finishing college 14 years ago, and feel like there's nothing out there for me. Feeling very alone. Like I've been on a time-out from life for 14 years, and the thought of possibly having a real life again scares me. Being sick has become my identity, not sure who I even am without it. No job, no job skills, no idea what I'd be good at or like to do, no hobbies or interests, extremely limited social life (if you can even call it that). I feel empty.

And....that's why I have to stay in the moment. Thinking too much about what the future may bring creates intense fear and anxiety, depression and hopelessness.

I will check out that book: Mindfulness path to self-compassion. My ability to concentrate/focus on things is not so good, but I'll give it a shot.

Thanks all for the continued support and feedback, and for listening.

Sunny,

DBT will help you alot if you apply it. Did wonders for me after about 6mos of my fighting it. It takes time to realize the tiggers.

I think there is a workship called the ladder of events that help you find triggers leading up to the bad urges.

There are some DBT links on our Resource thread at the top of forum if you want to take a look at them. They are helpful.

So is mindfulness, I use this alot.

I want to put my 2 cents in on ANGER. Yes we all have the right to be mad and angry. Anger, covers the hurt. Protects us, most of the time. The key is not letting the anger turn in on ourselves. Place the anger where it belongs. At the universe, at our parents, ex husband, boyfriend, stranger in a car accident. ect.. See my point?

Life is never fair, we do have to life with what we are dealt. I believe we are never given more than we can handle. Even if I do have very black days.

Peace and strength.
Trina