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Depression blew up my relationship

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Depression
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Posted 9/27/2014 1:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all,
I'm new here and just feel so crappy. Three weeks ago I flipped out and broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I initiated the breakup. But it's not what I wanted. But it's for the best. Here's my story (I'll keep it short).

I've struggled with depression most of my life. Only in the past 3 years have I recognized and admitted that fact. I've been trying various medication going to therapy off and on. And I haven't made much progress. I'm a graduate student and that requires stressful, long days on campus. Between school and depression I've turned into a horrible person and subsequently ruined my relationship.

The now ex and I have known each other and had a connection since high school. He's an incredible person. Extremely bright, funny, caring and incredibly likeable. After high school we went our separate ways but ended up back in our hometown due to family illness. His father was ill and my grandpa was dying of ALS.

During that difficult time we started dating. He supported me when I was down and I did him. But the stress and heartache of family members dying and dealing with that loss really made our relationship hard. When one felt good, the other didn't. We argued a lot. But there was love and it kept us together.

Flash forward 3 years. I graduated with my BS and started my masters program. We moved into his moms house after his dad passed away. The arguments continued. But got worse an worse. My depression kept creeping back. I always felt alone, when I wasn't. I felt like a ghost of myself. I had no patience, no sex drive. I was mad at the drop of a dime. But we kept trying. The last 4 months of our relationship it became apparent that I had destroyed what was there. I pushed him away. He didn't want to come home. Slept on the couch. Spent more time drinking with his friends.

I broke up with him when I was irrationally mad (which happened often). I packed my things and left. Not only do I regret that decision I've been reflecting on our past 4 years. And I' was a horrible person to him. Completely horrible. I'm embarrassed of my actions, my words and what I did to the person I loved. He didn't deserve that. Ever.

I feel lost, disgusted and angry. I don't know how #1 move on with my life without him. #2 quit replaying my past transgressions in my head. #3 get better.

I'm still in love with him. But my behavior towards him wasn't that of love. He feels as though I've hated him for quite some time due to my actions. But in all actuality I'm the one I hated.
Posted 9/27/2014 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lambs,

Knowing that your relationship might be unsalvageable at this point, I do agree the best thing is to move on. And yes, quit playing past transgressions in your head over and over. It takes practice but it can be done. Putting up a mental stop sign is what I do when I start dwelling on the past. I have been doing that a lot lately myself. Distractions work good.

You will get better because that is what you want. One day at a time is my motto. That is hard enough.

Maybe going back to therapy would help. You can make a plan of direction for awhile.

Do not let guilt consume you. It is what it is. You have made amends for that I am sure. You can't change what happened. And you really shouldn't feel guilty about it. Maybe one day the two of you will talk about it, maybe not. But keep it in the past. It does you no good at the present time.

I think you have made great strides with your education and your present situation. I think you should give yourself a pat on the back. Just keep focusing on what you are trying to accomplish. You are going to be okay. You have a good head on your shoulders, you know what is going on. I think a little guidance would help with therapy. If not, there are sites on our resource thread at the top of the forum for "mindful.org" and "moodgym", both of them are very helpful.

Take a minute and go to "depression resources" at the top of the page, it is the first thread.

I hope that you feel better soon. Keep trying, never give up. Leave the past where it belongs and keep moving forward.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/27/2014 7:52 PM (GMT 0)
welcome to the forum Lambs,

Karen in correct in all that she said, so I will not repeat that.

I will add that in therapy, ask about COPING SKILLS. These daily skills are so important in having control over our emotions, which in turn help how we react to situations and other people.

Life is a journey in process. Everyone has regrettable times and relationships, rare the person that doesn't. Can't change the past.
Can only life in the present.

I reccommend you read a little book by Ruiz, entitled The Four Agreements. I have read it 6 times now and it is just starting to sink in and make me stronger.

All of the relationship mess is/was not your fault, there is shared responsibility here, so do not be so hard on yourself.

You are not alone, we are, plenty of people here understand how you feel.

I do hope you at least take a peek at that book.

Peace and strength
Trina
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