Posted 10/28/2014 4:16 AM (GMT 0)
Often I lie awake at night, thinking about my life. I start wondering why so many people don't like me. I honestly do not know why. I go on facebook and write messages to people who I thought were friends and get no responses. I have all but stopped posting anything personal for everyone to see because I'm afraid I will be disappointed or embarrassed when I look back and see no "likes" or "comments". At times I feel invisible.
Yesterday, I contacted 3 friends, basically the only 3 I really have. And they are friends that I feel close to, but I really doubt whether they feel the same way about me. I did not really "choose" these friends, it seemed that they were really the only people who had any desire to talk to me or spend time with me. Anyway, these friends generally respond in some way, within a day, often within hours. Not this time. No responses. I don't know if I somehow managed to offend all of them in some way (but in 3 different conversations).
about 2 weeks ago, maybe 3 weeks now, came to my home to talk to me about something, he said a very urgent matter. He basically just told me all of the things I do wrong, everything from how inappropriate it was to offer advice when it's not specifically asked for, to how wrong it is to use humor to get through tough situations, to how my emails are poorly written (too many sentences per paragraph, too many details, too wordy, wrong punctuation), and it just goes on from there. I was very angry at first, but now have moved into a mindset where I am questioning myself and thinking maybe he was right about all those things.
I am feeling very confused. I can tell I am slipping quickly back into a depression. Oh, and one of my friends was telling me the other day how she basically agrees with a lot of my uncle's ideas. I feel very hurt. Very alone.
I am also dealing with quite a few medical problems currently. Plans are in the works for me to have a major surgery to hopefully fix some severe GI problems, and 2 other surgeons will also get in there and perform a total hysterectomy and a bladder surgery. Plus other docs are working to find the cause and treatments for a few chronic pain issues, and treatment for a pinched nerve/bulging discs in my neck. Other medical stuff seems to have at least temporarily quieted down.
Just don't know what to do. See my psychiatrist Weds. but doubtful we would increase anti-depressants, as I am technically Bipolar type II, and have been doing quite a bit of rapid cycling lately. I'm back at the point where if I didn't wake up tomorrow, I would be just fine with that. Lots of times, I wish that's what would happen.
No idea what I am hoping to get out of writing this. I know it's way too long. Feeling really stressed and really alone. Seems that if one person had been critical of me, or one person hadn't responded, I could shake it off. But lately, I feel that I am constantly doing the wrong thing/saying the wrong thing. My family avoids talking to me, my Mom has even asked me to stop talking about some things recently too. I think everyone is just sick and tired of me and they really see no value in me, as if I have nothing to give back to the relationship, nothing to offer that is worthwhile.
Sorry for taking up so much time/space. I don't know why no one likes me. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. Ever. I don't want relationships based on people feeling sorry for me. Just want it all to end.