Depression/anxiety destroying my relationships

I've been depressed for the past year and half and I noticed that I've only just started noticing it then. It really hit me when my ex girlfriend broke up with me because of my issues, my friends left and this all happened my first week of college. I turned to remaining friend, who also has bad anxiety and moderate depression and she was the one who helped me through the first couple months. I went to a psychiatrist and they diagnosed me clinical depression, slight anxiety issues and borderline personality disorder. I started Zoloft and that worked in the beginning but I eventually felt nothing by last summer. I didn't care about anything and nothing bothered me but my inability to cry or feel something. I got addicted to an ecig, ended up going up the highest legal amount of nicotine and highest possible vaping voltage and this is what prepared me for the day. I couldn't go more than 30 minutes without using it and would freak out when the battery died and I wasn't in my room to charge it. I switch to Welbutrin, which worked for me but it turned my depression into my already existing anxiety and I have moments every day, sometimes for the whole day.

Now my girlfriend. Only started dating recently (2.5 months) and I really love her. She's been nothing but understanding of my issues and I'm actually compatible with her in many ways, which doesn't happen much because, as she says, I'm very cynical when it comes to people. She has helped me with all my issues and I have been in control of it since September but it's started falling in on me. I've had shakes in my hands for the past year but it's gotten so bad at points that I can't put my credit card into my wallet. I also have started stuttering so badly that I need to pause and think and then attempt it again, and I work at a IT call center on campus. It makes it very difficult but I manage. All of this, though, has been getting worse and worse and I'm scared my meds may be causing it and my anxiety, when they're what fixed my depression for now.

about my girlfriend, she is the kind of person that doesn't really ever get sad or bothered by much and tends to not express her emotions like I do. I am extremely nice to those that I date, especially her, because I treat those that I love the best. But recently, I've started freaking out over the littlest things. She is with a friend during break and I like that she has good friends, but her friend's brother is someone she talks about often. He's only 15, which shows my irrationality, which I acknowledge, but she is always saying how he's so musically talented and great and so forth and that wouldn't bother me if she were to say stuff like that to me every once in a while. She also talks to a family friend's son, who has told her that he loves her for the past 5 year and how they're going to get married. She swears that she doesn't have feelings for him, only talks to him because her mom will get mad if she ignores him and I trust her. I just get bothered by the stuff he does, like he sent her a snap chat of him in the shower, just chest up but still. She did tell him that that's completely not okey and that she has a boyfriend so this is why I trust her.

The issue I have is that I'm scared I will push her away from me. I push everyone in my life away from me because I'm scared of getting close to people that would mean something to me. My actions also push them away. I feel like I don't deserve to have a girlfriend and I don't deserve to be happy. I feel bad for talking about my feelings ever and i feel bad for being happy when I am. I worry when she texts me and will say the tiniest thing in a certain way and it makes me go insane because I feel like she doesn't care as much as I care about her. I've been scared that my insecurities have been ruining my relationship and I'm trying to attack it now before it does real damage. I feel trapped in my head, I get confused, I stop talking mid sentence for no reason because my mind is just switched off and then back on 5 seconds later. I've gone to several therapists and they don't think anything is too wrong but I feel like I can't explain it. I feel like I'm trapped in my skin, my mind, I worry constantly for nothing, it makes me nauseous and I lost within my own head. My back and head ache every day due to this and I'm getting so tired of the same terrible feelings. I want to know a way to control my worries better and how to force myself to realise what I'm doing is irrational and actually feel like I know it. I want control over my life because of don't want to lose someone that I love. I want to know a way I can explain it to her and everyone so they understand.


Sorry for the mini novel, in short, I worry about the littlest things and I get depressed terribly bad daily and I'm scared of pushing my girlfriend away. I want help controlling my emotions and be able to explain to her what I feel and how it feels.

Okey, I will definitely try that and read that book. Thanks for your help c:

Thank you for the response, it was helpful and the conversation I had made me realise what I'd been trying to change all this time and I'm working very hard on it now.

I only have one question more, I just want to know what you guys do to calm anxiety attacks or bouts of depression.

Nico

hi here) I really want to cheer you up) i want you to have NO problems at all, and just want to wish you all best!!!!!