Living with Depression

Hello,

I am a brand shinny newbie to the page, first post here! Not new to depression however. I have suffered for years, the first time I noticed it was when I was 15. So just about 14 years of battling.

My parents never went to the doctor, they never took my moods seriously so I never got treatment for my depression. I have felt like something is wrong with me for years. I was finally diagnosed with post-partum depression 7 years ago. Took celexa for about 2 years and weaned off it. I knew I was prone but I never got on anything, I just self medicated and started "shoving" my emotions instead of dealing with them.

I consumed myself in my college course work and when something difficult arouse I wouldn't deal with it emotionally. Did I get emotional? Heck yeah! Did I heal from it? No, of course not. In the past 5 ears I have been hurt and brutally backstabbed by a handful of people I considered to be very close to me. They hurt me in a way I didn't know possible. But instead of truly getting over it I focused on my college homework and pushed on, my anxiety came out in having to have good grades. My GPA was anywhere from a 3.75-4.0 so it gave me an outlet for my anxiety. I felt accomplished, I was doing good. Better then good, I was an excellent student.

So when I graduated and passed my radiography board exam this May I thought it would be the happiest time of my life. I found myself utterly lost and surrounded by pain. I was barely existing. I didn't have my outlet, I didn't have a purpose. Instead I had all these loose emotions I never dealt with.

I kept thinking, if I can just get a hobby I will be ok. But nothing satisfied me (I am still looking for a hobby by the way). I kept thinking if X, Y and Z happen then everything will be ok, but when X, Y and Z happened nothing changed.

Finally I got on Lexapro. It took 2 months to tolerate 10 MG, I did fairly well for a couple months but now I am increasing to 20MG. I am caring less about feeling awful. My problems aren't solved, heck I don't even know how to really solve them but to just keep going through this self actualization. I am in therapy, I am learning more about myself but this is still so painful.

Anyway, the good news is Lexapro makes me able to just get through the day. I am doing more productive things, no lying in my bed in the dark and marathoning Netflix all day anymore. I am able to do some tings I couldn't do before, stick with plans instead of having to know if I would have enough energy before committing to anything. I still struggle with that but I don't have the anxiety like I used to.

The bad news is, my trust in people is greatly hindered. Nothing surprises me anymore and I don't hold people close to me like I used to. I figure everyone lets me down sooner or later. I used to be very out going, always wanting to meet new people, do things, live life. Now I pride myself on going weeks without talking to people. I want to be alone, I don't want to meet anyone and I'm through giving chances. The more I give the more I get hurt. I know, that sounds sad and I bet some of you are going to say I could be missing out on a good thing if I never try, or don't give people chances. Sorry to burst the bubble, but right now I just don't care. And that is ok, because why ever I am going through this I am meant to. I will hopefully come out of it stronger. That's what I keep hoping anyway. Maybe someday I will bounce back and find that trust again.

The other hard thing is when I do get seriously depressed I think about death. I don't have it in me to end my life but I told my therapist if I died in my sleep I really wouldn't care. Whoa! Heavy...Hence I am going to go up to 20 MG, over the past few days I got from 10-15, tonight it's up to 17.5 and Fri I plan to be at 20 MG. Not feeling like dying today, so that's good! And yes, I know to call the ER if I'm having suicidal thoughts. I'm doing all the steps to recovery.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts, sorry if I was depressing in this post. This is my life these days. I'm not always this way, I have a hard time actually talking about my feelings. I find it easier to make a joke when I am talking to people to lighten the mood. I usually a light hearted and fun, I love animals and my 7 year old daughter. I have a lot of creative things I like to do. I just feel like someone drained the color out of my life, looking to get that back!

welcome and thx for sharing. i hope you feel better for doing so. i remember my first post, boy that was awhile ago now!!! i can truly say that this forum and hw has been a great comfort to me. we give and help each other. i mean i am in therapy as well, but this is like at a different level. slowly you will get back to those enjoyable things. for me it is about management. manage your health, many your conditions, your mind, your finances, etc. if ya hang around on the forum, you will see my mantra being bandied around. 'slow and steady wins the race'. look forward to sharing with ya.

Real, welcome to the forum.

Therapy is like road rash. First your feelings have to be slowingf cleaned out and then layers pealed back so healing can begin.

So with every flashback you have, a step toward complete healing is made. So very hard, I know. Emotional pain is overwhelming at times.

Coping skills are needed to get through. Posting here is a good one. Ask your therapist for some if you don't have any. CBT, DBT are good ones to learn.

I also use, journaling, gratitude daily, painting, walking, mindfulness, music. Self-compassion.

Be proactive and ask the therapist about books to read and what else can you do between visits to help yourself. Some don't over it up, unless you ask.

Peace and strength
Trina