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Dark Night of the Soul

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Depression
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Posted 12/17/2014 3:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone. I'm new.

I'm 32, F, just ended a seven year relationship--for a lot of reasons but essentially b/c we'd been struggling for a while--we really needed counseling, and even though he "loves me to death", he wouldn't go to counseling with me.

It's been almost two months since I moved out of our home, and into an apartment. I used to be a funny, happy, interesting person. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm this walking ball of anxiety and despair. I can't even go to the store without crying. I feel I have no purpose anymore. I wake up and stare at the ceiling, thinking maybe if I wish hard enough, this terrible reality I'm living will be replaced with my old one. Maybe I will be back at home, things will be better...this was all a bad dream.

My mom died of lung cancer in Feb 2013. My sister used to live here, but she moved far away last winter. My boyfriend was my family. I have friends here, but I'm not able to be a good friend right now--I know I'm a major downer to be around. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my friends. I can't laugh or have fun like I used to. I have a business that's just me--I work alone--and I can't find the motivation to do the work. I'm so lonely, and so sad. I feel utterly, completely lost in life. I've been under so much stress for so long (all through my mom's illness too), I just don't know what's left of me honestly. I feel like everything I was is gone, and all I feel is the weight of my misery. I can't believe the person I've become. I can't believe how much this hurts--how I can feel it, literally, in my heart. All my friends are married and have kids. And I'm alone--lost--profoundly sad. I've gone through bouts of depression before, but these are by far my darkest days. This is a new, and very scary, low. I've never felt this hopeless before. The last few years have put me through the ringer. I don't know how to find joy in anything anymore.

I don't know how to keep doing this. I don't know how to move forward, my spirit is in pieces. Every day I just wait for it to be the night, so I can sleep and escape my life for a few hours. I'm falling apart.
Posted 12/17/2014 6:17 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, gosh you have so much weighing on you right now. I am sending you a hug.

You said that you cant be a good friend right now....lets switch this up a bit. if you saw one of your friends going through a mess and feeling so down how would you react? Yep, I thought so.
I would bet there is one that you can go talk to and they would welcome you with open arms and maybe cookies too.

Please find an outlet. Maybe go to a counselor? religious leader? talk to your primary care dr? We are absolutely here for you, anytime of the day or night. But I really think you need an in the flesh person who can help guide you through this sadness. You have quite a few things to grieve right now and it is taking a toll on you. There are ways to get better and you CAN get through this. We are all rooting for you and standing beside you. There are some really useful resources on the first page at the top of the messages.

You sound like a really interesting person and I would like to see what you can do when you are shining. Please get to your dr or friend really quick. The faster you get help, the quicker you will feel better.

Keep us posted!
Posted 12/17/2014 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum.

I beleive grief counceling or a support group for grief would help you tremendously.

What I see as an outsider is the pain from the loss of your Mom. I feel that you knew the time had come to end the relationship.

Think about the support group. I go to one for depression, it is a wonderful safe, understanding place to be.

Peace
Trina
Posted 12/18/2014 3:52 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate you two taking the time to respond to a total stranger.
I probably do need a support group, I'm just not sure where to find one. I did start seeing a therapist. She told me yesterday i have major depression. I do have some friends that i talk to--I've just been in this sort of crisis place for so long, I don't know how much more I can expect them to listen to me go on about this. And they all have their houses, and their husbands/wives, and kids, and jobs. And I feel like a failure next to them.

The loss of my mother I had made my peace with, but after this break-up it's all coming back up again. I lost my grandmother to pancreatic cancer a few months before my mom passed, then the following winter my sister moved away, and now this break-up--which, to me, is essentially a divorce. It's just an overwhelming amount of loss. People keep saying, "take some time to focus on YOU." I don't know how to do that. Nothing that I can think of to do really brings me joy--the best I can hope for is a moment of relief from the pain, or a moment of distraction. I'm super worried about money, too. I don't feel I have the time or the freedom to focus on myself. I feel like I'm in survival mode. Just trying to get through each day. Everything that was anchoring me in life is gone. Everything that was stabilizing, grounding. My relationship was in trouble, but I don't feel relieved to be out of it. I feel lost, and afraid. And really, really sad. Seven years is a long time--he is woven so tightly into my life--it's a lot of undoing, and it hurts so much. It's so hard to take any action in the present when my head and my heart are either stuck in the past or busy worrying about the future.

I have never in my life seen so little hope. I feel like I have to climb a mountain right now to get myself out of this, and yet I'm totally exhausted. I don't know where to find the strength to pull myself out of this.
Posted 12/18/2014 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

I took one sentence from your post and am putting it here...

It's so hard to take any action in the present when my head and my heart are either stuck in the past or busy worrying about the future.


Learn mindfulness. There is a thread at the top of the page called "depression resources" there is a site on mindfulness called "mindful.org".

Mindfulness stoops us from worrying about the past or future and staying in the moment. I think it would help you at this time...

Be good to yourself... You deserve to...

I hope that things get better soon, and welcome to the forum...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/19/2014 2:03 AM (GMT 0)
Yes, Listen to Karen. Mindfulness is a wonderful tool. It takes no money and many of the exercises can take just minutes to accomplish.
You are so right in saying this feels like a divorce. It is the death of a relationship and we have to grieve that loss. Of course you feel lost. your pattern ahs been drastically changed. Change is a hard thing to accept for a lot of people.

Group may be a good place for you. Talk to you therapist...they will know what is available.

You don't want to bother your friends, I get it. I have avoided writing to a long standing friend for a while as I had nothing good to report. Having so many obstacles and failures caused me not to want to write. I felt like Winnie the pooh's buddy Eeyore. Oh bother....Up to my chin in yuk. She got onto me and said that she wouldn't have been bothered. It might have distracted her from the daily chaos she lives with. As my friend she loves me happy or sad, though she does prefer happy and will stand on her head if it would make me laugh (yes it probably would cause I laughed just hearing her say it).

You need to remember that you are a good person. You can get through this. We are here for you.
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