I can't find the help I need

I have a LONG history of Mental health care. I have been on basically every med in the book. Dr's literally pull out "The book" and go down this list to see what I can try next. I have had ECT, and TMS. I have done CBT, DBT, EMDR and so many other acronym-ed therapies. I have had psychiatrist, psychologist, counseling, energy psychology, psych-k, and such.

This past year actually was pretty good for me (until recently). This was the first year in over 5 that I had no hospitalizations, was on no antidepressant and very very little anxiety meds (the diazepam was actually for my shoulder). I felt much more clear headed, had actual emotions again, and wasn't so yoYo like.
Anti-depressants usually make me VERY suicidal, and I seem to do worse on them. I am also very prone to serotonin syndrome and awful side-effects.

This last month I have had a lot going on medically, and also mentally I am just tired. I am in a lot of physical pain too that is not being treated.(i think withdrawal may be contributing to the "i'm going crazy" feeling.)

I no longer want to die everyday, but I have such a desire to actually live, yet my body and mind won't let me succeed. It gets really hard to keep on and realize the rest of my life may always look like this.

i am on SSI and have TN medicaid. I cannot seem to find anywhere to be treated that isn't just a psych pill mill. I would love to get faith based therapy but who can affored $170 a week on an SSI budget.
I also cannot get the meds that may actually help approved by insurance(like cymbalta).



I am finding getting real treatment, therapy, etc...not just a pill and talking to a wall for an hour, impossible to find anymore.

I really wonder if "recovery" from depression is really ever possible. You'd think if it was I would have reached it by now. I don't even know if "management' is possible anymore either; especially when you cannot find the help You, as an individual need...

Post Edited (AngMichelle) : 1/3/2015 1:43:06 AM (GMT-7)

Try mindfulness and meditation. These two things keep me balanced emotional and get me thru the dark times.

I don't think 'recover' is the right word for depression. I think we need to learn to live with it, then we overcome it for the most part.

Peace
Trina

Having a son with a Disability I know how challenging it can be to get some meds, and even though a medication can make a life changing difference, his insurance which would basically be SSI medicaid would not cover it, it was a form of a steroid called ACTH, it was over $2,000.00 for a small vial, but his Neurologist had the hospital Shands of Gainesville cover it, thankfully he was only on it for 3 months, but who can afford that kind of medication.

I've had issues getting medications myself, but when my doctor did push hard enough they were always approved(even though now I wish some wasn't approved)