Depressed Husband

I need to vent, but I also need suggestions. A little background. My husband and I are each others first and only love. We've been together for 24 years. He's 41 and I'm 40. He's had depression all the time I've known him. A few years after we got married it finally clicked with me and then him that he needed medication. about 5 years after that he tried committing suicide. It has been 12 years since that happened. I still get scared every now and then that it will happen again.

His personality: Unless he is out with his friends, he is pretty anti-social even with me. I mean we talk and don't walk around mad at each other but I wouldn't call him an "open" person. No way I'm going to change that. I've already tried. While this would drive most women crazy, after 24 years I have adapted. He has a terrible work history. His talents are in the arts more than mechanical or trade skills that you would conventionally get a 40 hr a week job doing. He likes to write. When he is working, within the first year he will hate it and start calling in sick on and off until eventually he is fired. It is incredibly frustrating that I have this able body man over here that refuses to hold down a job. So we are in debt and can never take a vacation or do anything fun. Is him not working his depression or me letting him be lazy because I don't want to argue?

Now he has been out of work for a year and a half. I work so we are sustaining that way. He is on medication, but I kind of figured out a long time ago that medication isn't going to be a cure. Lately I am trying to motivate him to write a book and publish it on Amazon. He has started books in the past and never finished. I even gave him a book on How to Write a Book in ** days. Can't remember the number. He was a little motivated at that time so he looked at the book. Not sure if he read it. I am so frustrated that his talents are going un-used!!! I know it's silly and isn't possible but I'm so frustrated that if I could live his life for him I would. You might be able to tell that he is incredibly stubborn so I guess I need to motivate him without him knowing I'm motivating him. We took a walk yesterday because I've read that helps. But I get anxious and want everything to work right away. I want to go home today and hear he wrote a chapter or did SOMETHING productive.

Over the years he has gotten better about helping me keep up the house so he will do the dishwasher or the laundry while I'm at work. He spends most of his time watching tv (i think we are addicted) and on the computer. I try to recommend books but he doesn't want to do that. He's gained quite a bit of weight. I guess from age, not being active, and late night "snacks" although I call them 2nd dinners.

Any advise would really be appreciated!!! Sorry this got so long!

No advice because your husband sounds ( scary are you watch me ? Lol) a lot like a male version of me. So I can only tell you what's going on in the corners of my mind. Firstly I have ADD finishing a project, to me is remembering to flush! I also am a writer I currently have two ( maybe three jury is still out on if it's 1 or 2 ) books in the works. I started my " main" project 15 years ago. I'm still working on it. Ok so the " anti social " could be I'm only guessing is his mind is busy. Like this ... I think of what I want in my book I play out the entire thing in my head before I write it down then I forget because I don't write it down if I write it down I don't remember why .... It doesn't bother me in the least unless it bothers my husband who says why are you withdrawn to which you just made me loose a good idea to which I tell you I don't like you right now. We have 19 years so yes there are things we look past and even love and hate at the same time. Does he have a lap top that really helped me because I write a little and then at done future date will figure out where everything goes. And the job thing he has to find something he loves. I mean LOVES like writing advertising etc. I found a job that deals with something I love travel and it's an ever changing company so you don't get bored. Yes bored. What is your hubbies IQ ? Mine is kinda high so I get bored easy. I couldn't finish high school I just couldn't because when my mind gets bored I start to be mischievous I'm 40 and still get into stuff. So I had a behavior problem at least that us what they called it. I started college right away 18 and was tested for learning disabilities.
So on that note. The most commonly talked about is dyslexia. I don't have that besides d b and p 9 other that those little buggers I can read fine. Have you ever heard of discaulucla? (Sp)
I don't see numbers.
I have to talk to myself to dial a number on the phone even one that I have had for decades( I memorize the pattern not the numbers) I can't do math without talking it out loud. And calculators don't help because 24+45 isn't the same as 24+54 and if you can't see the order of the problem then you get the wrong answer. This was my main problem.
I can't read a traditional clock. Unless I concentrate on it.
My mind works like lightning and typing is even hard because I ca. Go faster than the keys. Even in the phone I have to wait until it catches up with me and hasn't auto correct it to in on to or etc still happens oh well I just don't have time for punctuation on my phone sorry I do know they are missing.
I also have depression even as a kid. I take medication but nothing seems to work to where I feel good most of the time. My brain really is a mess. I can multitask if I have to the more I am thinking about the better off I am. Hence the Sherlock name. If you have ever watched BBC Sherlock and see how Benedict Cumberbatch and the producers bring sherlocks thought process to the audience is kind of like what it is like to be in my head.
Like thoughts firing at machine gun pace.
I know that like me even though your hubby isn't verbal but you are the center of his world the same as mine is the center of mine. I may not be the princess of affection but he is always on my mind.
Depression is so multi toned it is hard to say what he is feeling or thinking I don't think he can even articulate what IT IS. I know I can't tell anyone what if feels like. The words I can find sound so UN-unique UN- accurate UN exact that even telling a doctor or a therapist . I leave thinking oh no another Communication failure. I am very glad you came here looking for support I don't know if any of my nonsensical rambling helped or even made a lick of sense but I wish you all the best.

And about the second snack, that is another of my faults I have no sense of time sometimes . It either crawls or flys and it isn't unusual for dinner to be at 8-9 p when my husband asked me to do it at 4-5p. and I may just do something a already did like eat. Somedays I forget to eat somedays to can't stop eating. Some one just went how can you forget to eat? I do. My husband ( bless his heart) reminds me about mid day to eat something.

The longest I ever held a job was a little over one year. I found that working for a temp agency was the best thing for me. If the job was a good match, I was happy as long as it lasted, then moved on to something else. If it wasn't a good match, there was 'no shame' to being switched to another position. Perhaps this would be a direction for him to take. It's a good way to learn what we excel at and what really has no interest for us. Perhaps a 'book' is too much of a challenge. Maybe 'short stories' about life experiences would be a simpler start.

Pain$herlock So funny that you two are so alike. Thanks for understanding the no talking!!! My mom looks at it as him being rude. It's just who he is. Like it or leave it. Well she sure will never like it! A lot of my other relatives comment on how quiet he is and after a while it gets on my nerves. I get protective.

We have a laptop but it's large and fragile (screen falling off and lots of bugs) so it's not very fun to use at the moment. That is so funny that you mention the keyboard not moving fast enough for you. That's exactly why he wasn't using it yesterday to write his weekly blog. It does freeze up a lot so that frustration is real. lol He does guest blogs once a week for a friend's blog.

He has also been doing stand-up (open mic). He hasn't done it since November because the crowds wouldn't be large enough during the holidays. I'm going to ask him tonight if he'll be doing his stand up. He loves that and he's on twitter all the time saying funny stuff. I might be able to get a book together after a year of him being on twitter. It would be just his twitter posts. People are able to sell the strangest books on Amazon. That's a good idea about shorter stories.

I've thought about school for him but we are already deep in debt. He tried school for a couple semesters when he was young and stopped. So I don't really want to make the investment.

Yeah, I could believe he gets bored with the jobs. I wondered if it was fear of success. I don't understand that line of thought though. People say it about other people but I don't know how it's possible. So boredom is probably it. He skipped school A LOT in high school and he's still super smart. If the kids have a question I tell them to google it or go ask daddy. lol He writes very well and has a great memory. My memory is horrible. I loved writing papers in college because I was soooo bad with tests (due to my memory). I would study for hours and still get a C or worse depending on the number of hours.

I've been showing him how to send items into Amazon so hopefully he can do that for us. But it's slow right now until I start importing some things from China. Do you know FBA? Fulfillment by amazon? You send in (usually) new stuff to their warehouse and when someone buys it they ship it for you. I love it, but had to get a 40 hr a week job so I want him to take it over since he isn't working and it's not fair for me to do everything.

you're funny with the sci fi references. He loves science fiction too. LOVES comic books! We tried to start a store ... well we did but it only lasted a few months because we were totally unprepared and under-funded. But he gets a passion in him and there is no convincing him otherwise. I have to admit I was excited about it too.

FYI I have depression just not as severe as him.

You've all given me some things to think about. It's also nice to talk about others in my situation or even on the other side of it like Pain$herlock.

So frustrated! I asked him to list some stuff on a selling website today while he was home 6 hours and he did NOT! Doesn't care at all that he is disappointing me. Sometimes I wonder if I can deal with this laziness until death. He won't do the littlest things I ask of him. I want to scream at him right now but our fights are the silent treatment from him for a day. He bottles everything up until he explodes or gives himself high blood pressure. So unpleasant!!! I'd just like to shake words out of him! Aaaaagggggghhhhhh!!!!!

I was selling things I purchase at thrift stores and such as a living until it just wasn't enough. He "can't find" a job so I'm pretty much forcing it on him. It's either this or pretend he's looking for a job. His reason was that he didn't turn the computer. Which is no real reason. you're right that he doesn't feel a sense of urgency. I always solve the problems though. If I try to be stubborn and say I've done enough we would be on the streets.