Stuck, Unhappy, no Motivation

Hello all:

I'm new to the forum, and have been toying with the idea of seeking support from an online community for some time.

Having major social anxiety and low self worth, connecting with people in a meaningful way is difficult. I feel intensely alone and that my problems have no real solution other than getting myself in a better mind set.

Summary: I have led a depressed, anxious, neurotic, and self harming life. I should also include "other- harming" in that list as my actions have wreaked havoc on everyone I have been close to. I have basically "landed" after an extended adolescence, and looking around at the remains of my life, I am struggling to reconcile with reality the massive illusion I created for myself for the past 18 years.

(I'm 35) Facts: I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder and ADHD (inattentive type). I am currently taking no meds- I'm gun shy if you will, as I have had negative experiences with prescribed "mental health" medications in the past. Im at this point now, where I know many of the things that I need to do, but cant get anything to "stick"" or get off the ground. I have lost so much of the motivation I once had, and it all seems overwhelming. I feel like the work and skills required to be a "normal" person are above my grasp, and everyone else was spending the last 18 years building something for themselves and paying attention to subtle and overt lessons about life, and I missed it all.

I feel like I am at a point in life that many of my peers were at when they were 22. I just don't have the energy to keep fighting with myself. . .

Post edited for paragraphs for easier reading. Welcome to the forum.

Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 4/27/2015 1:11:32 PM (GMT-6)

Welcome to the forum. You have come to a good place for online support.

You are not alone here. We all are struggling daily. I choose to use therapy and medications and that has helped me.

You will find what works for you. In the meantime, check out the first thread called "depression resources". There are sites and numbers that will help you.

Mindfulness is a useful tool. I hope you check out "mindful.org".

I hope that you feel better soon. One small step at a time. One day at a time.

Hugs, Karen...

My father, younger sister and brother are all way more high functioning than I am, and its just hard to be around everyone looking at me like, "whats wrong with you, why aren't you more happy and successful." I've always been the "weak" "loser" in my large competitive extended family.

I was raised by my mom, dad was not around at all, she was an addict and had major depressive episodes (I was almost removed from the home in high school) Dad had no idea mom was such a mess, and that I was having so may mental health issues as a youth.

Fast forward 20 years, I avoided my dad and his family for a long time, but after having my daughter I reconnected. My father is wholly surprised that I am who I am (in a bad way) and cant figure out why the kids he raised (very well) on his own are amazing, productive people.

Him and my sister have taken a big role in my daughters life, which is good, but I fee like I am losing her to "better people" and lamenting the fact that the good graces of this family passed me over. Like I never had a chance by not being raised properly. Everyone around me is on the inside of the family, including my own kid, and I still feel alienated around these people.

Hello and welcome to the forum.

You said your mother was an addict. I was raised by two alcoholics and became on myself. I was in my 40's before joining a 12 step program that helped me 'grow up right'.

I've heard a lot of folks get good guidance from ACOA meetings. Adult Children Of Alcoholics. While your mom wasn't an alkie, I feel sure you would be warmly accepted there and get some good suggestions and understanding there. Give it a try.

Meanwhile, keep on coming here! I only recently went back on meds myself. I've had problems with side effects from the ones I've tried in the past, but things were getting so bad again, well, trying another is worth a shot. It's been a month. So far, so good. I'm away from the edge of 'the rabbit hole' and so far, no vertigo or any other really bothersome side effects. I'm sleeping better, but feel hungry and unsatisfied ALL the time! I'm resisting eating just for the sake of eating, trying to keep it to just the 3 square meals and a snack or two. I'm not afraid of gaining weight (I'm only 93 lbs and can afford a few more) but I am concerned about developing another 'bad habit'.

Keep coming. We 'get you' here. Thanks for reaching out to us!

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies, Its a weird feeling that unknown folks have taken the time to read about my problems and have offered nice, constructive advice.

That said, its also a great perspective tool to read your own posts- one can be more objective.

I realize that many of the things that are bringing me down (or that I am letting bring me down) are life's un-fairnesses that everyone has to deal with in some form.

I think part of the problem is that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone b/c on the surface my life looks OK, and any problems I may be having will be construed as whining and complaining and not "sucking it up". Its kind of true, but its super hard to go through figuring things out that hurt, but are natural, silently. Making the leap from feeling like victim to finding peace in an unalterable situation is hard.

My last depressive episode was intense and lasted about 3 weeks. I was miserable, having very, very dark thoughts and almost at my wits end. I am feeling much better now, but am afraid that I will end up in the same dark place in the near future.

So many people wait until they have deep depression to start to look for help. Make an appointment now, today. Waiting until it happens, when you are fairly sure the emotional state will reoccur is NOT helpful to warding it off. Start now, and then have the support system in place and coping mechanisms available when/if it becomes necessary.

My most recent bout with depression is now about 6 years old. I am genetically predisposed to anxiety/depression. I also had/have so life difficulties within the past 6 years that made recovery harder. I started the process in late 2011 by seeing a therapist to help make sense of life. I finally got into to see the psychiatrist by April 2012, and started medication. Thank goodness I did. My older sister, who I adored, died the next month from leukemia.

Point is, things change rapidly. Be pro-active not re-active.