Posted 7/2/2015 2:35 PM (GMT 0)
hi guys. having probs with sleep. i have a lot on my mind. i guess a lot of death has been around me, thus i am now numb to it. i don't quite like the aspect of me as an emotionally unstable personality. this is only in response, not in caring or compassion, and my therapist and i agree this is just a process of change; for me i see it a positive in a sense, sort of shows that i too have evolved. and more to the point it is okay to be this way with certain things. especially to do with such subjects. i suppose i am seeing some of the borderline issues that invaded me, and my personality, hence the diagnosis at the time. a big part has to do with need. and obviously relationships. boy did i totally screw up there. and a few times. i am feeling a lot of chaotic pain, the past is that, although there are aspects of it that haunt me. no details. just pain, trauma and hell, and i guess at some points i rebelled, and in some ways that don't make sense. i am working hard with my therapist. i said do i enjoy being complex? he had no other reaction but to say, hell yes. i guess it is my default program. i need forgiveness from myself and for myself. i was just one of those that the system failed. not now, but when i was young. i guess i was just seen as a very troubled and mischevious kid. if only people knew, and if circumstances were different. sometimes i wonder why i was born. i am slowly letting go and accepting a few things. my changed emotive response and that i too need forgiveness. well, in a way i became who i am now via circumstance, accept it yes, like it no. in desiderata some doors need to be closed. i have one or two to go. please note: i am always a work in progress. thx for listening. more to say, but i don't want to go of on a million tangents. sorry i have not been posting as much. the past week or so has been brutal with the nerve issue. and yes, makes the alien uncomfortable.