How do you know if your thoughts are wrong?

Hi guys!
So I've been a functioning depressive for most of my life. I've had some times when my depression would dip lower, usually because of health problems requiring toxic medicine which made me think that I would never have kids, but I've never been on any meds for depression.
I used to go to therapy, but I stopped going because I didn't think I was progressing. My relationship with my therapist was more like chatting with a girlfriend than an actual therapy session.
But one thing she said to me that I remember is this, "sometimes your thoughts are wrong"
It's hard to say exactly what she meant, but I think she meant that just because I have a very negative, self-hating type of thought, it doesn't mean it's true.
I'm at the point right now where I don't know if what I'm thinking is true or just the depression talking and I don't know how to tell the difference.
Long story short, I resisted being in a romantic relationship (my first real one ever) with my boyfriend for a year, decided to go for it, then became pregnant three months in. It was a high risk pregnancy, and I had a mini-breakdown in the 2nd trimester where I was convinced I would die during my csection, but my healthy baby was born in November.
We both dropped out/took a leave of abscence from our phd programs in May, moved cross country in July, and now we're unemployed in our new city and job hunting. We have money in savings, but there's still a lot of stress.
My thoughts are all over the place and have existed since before we moved. I think about leaving him, even though he's not a bad guy, but I don't know how to do so with a kid involved. I think that I don't love him, but maybe it's because I'm just not capable of intense love. Sometimes I think about killing myself, and then I get mad at myself because I know that having a kid means taking that option off the table, and so sometimes I think about surrendering my parental rights so I can be free to go back to the way I was before, which was a typical super competitive grad student with a very low emotional IQ. I don't know why it's still so appealing. And then on the flip side, I also think about getting married on a mountaintop, and possibly having more kids, and buying a house together or going on a vacation. I'm also super anti-getting married and I don't think it's specifically because of him, but he can't help but feel hurt about it, especially since my father calls him his son-in-law and we're basically domestic partners.
I have no idea why my brain is so full of jumbled thoughts!
I just know that I feel like a 19 year old kid who got knocked up before they were ready and I have only myself to blame.
How do I know what to do when my mind is a mess?
I often think about getting married or breaking up, and it's not because we had a fight or not, feel stressed or happy. All these negative thoughts just pop in and I don't know if I should just keep trying to push them away or dismiss them as wrong and untrue. It's a battle.
Given our history, I don't think I can tell him these things. He just doesn't have the fortitude to deal with my flipfloppiness.
Sorry for being so rambly.

I understand your thoughts. Mostly because I have them myself. I just got married, moved to a better area but then my depression broke loose. Bad thoughts all over the place although I should be happy.

I decided to go on meds. I have been taking them religiously and I'm doing ok right now. It is a daily battle and it's ok to get help, even in form of meds. For years I was against it and thought I could handle all this by myself but I had to give in.

Also, take it day by day.

Most of us with depression anxiety have negative loop thoughts, they increase as we feed into the fear once they start.

The thoughts I believe originate from the worthless feelings we have of ourselves. The emotions that come with that. This is NOT true, everyone has worth. There is good in all people, even my abusers had good aspects. The dialects are hard to accept.

I want to suggest a wonderful book for you to read. It has exercises it in for you to find your way in stopping the negative thoughts, understanding where they come from, and starting to realize just how wonderful a person you are.

The book is entitled "THE MINDFUL PATH TO SELF-COMPASSION" by Germer, PHd.

I still use this book from reference almost on a weekly basis. It takes time to overcome a life time of bad/wrong thinking. It is so worth the effort. I actually like myself most days when I look in the mirror.

I hope this helps.
Peace
Trina

I think you like it tremendously!

I've put a request in to my local library to get the book!
Until then, I'll just keep keeping on.
I don't know about the future, but right now I just don't trust myself to make anymore big decisions.
I just wish I could figure it all out, but it seems all too complicated.
:/

Sometimes it is hard to figure ourselves out because we cant think objectively when we are depressed. To look at the situation from afar. That is why a therapist helps so much. They can see our situations better than we can ourselves.

Keep hanging in there. Keep trying. Take things one little step at a time. You will get there.

Hugs, Karen...

Trying and Gypsy,

Hard work IS what it takes at this stage of your journey.

What you are doing is building a new road through the jungle of crap planted in your head by people your whole life. It has grown and entangled itself terribly. I myself imagine using a machettee so sharp, I barely have to swing it.

I drew a picture once, the trees and undergrowth were the sayings, all negative that come into my head. Once you start writing the pour out.

I promise, the work gets easier, the dark painful times come, however they are much shorter!, Days, instead of weeks.

then we are always are for you. Supporting listening, non judging.
Peace and strength
Trina