Dealing with Wife seperating

Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I desperately need some advice. I have been married for about 1.5 years (known each other for 4, lived for 3)and last Sunday my wife told me that she has been very unhappy about our marriage for quite some time and would like a separation. To give some background I have been depressed for about 8 months due to not having a job and student loans to pay for and became very secluded and emotionally distant.

I didn't want anything to do with my family, my friends, and sadly my wife. I never yelled at her, cheated on her but I didn't have the energy to try and be there for her. My wife and I recognized this was a problem, talked about it, and month ago I started seeking help from a therapist. Since then, I have noticed some considerable improvement but am still not out of the woods and am fighting it everyday.

However, the damage was done and my wife is extremely unhappy. She's questioning our entire relationship and even before the depression started. I am heartbroken that I could have done better, communicated better, told her I was depressed earlier, and overall been there more for her. She's exhausted from trying to fight it and I told her I'll be the one in the beginning to fight for our relationship for the 2 of us and that we need to go to counseling (we went to 1 already but at that time she already made up her mind). She even admitted that she should have come to me sooner with her concerns and is upset with herself. I said that we both made mistakes and that all we can do is learn form what we did, forgive ourselves before we forgive each other, and the only thing we can control is ourselves. I said I'm going to go regardless and would love for her to join.

She did still say that she loves me but that maybe love isn't enough in addition to saying that maybe at our happiest we weren't that happy (which i strongly disagree and reminded her of all the happy times we shared). We still talk, laugh and joke around but we have been spending the night in separate rooms (or she leaves for a friends) and now she is going home to her parents for the weekend. I'm trying to show her that I love her and that I still care for her. For example, I was taking care of her when she came home not feeling well this week (which she was very thankful for). I'm giving her space and told her to take as much time as she needs but I feel like I'm being torn up inside.

This is a very short version and can elaborate more if needed.

I am having trouble posting so bear with me.

It sounds like you are really trying. It also sounds like you are trying to help yourself which is good. Keep being proactive with your mental health. Keep in mind things may not go as you want them to, but it is important for you to get better.

Hugs, Karen...

Thank you everyone for their support. I'm still extremely upset of the whole situation but I appreciate the help. What's upset me and confuses me is she is saying that even if we fix all our problems, we won't be attracted to each other. I believe that all the problems caused the separation and that if we work on them,we have a chance. All I'm asking is if there is a chance we should try for the first time in awhile as a team and not try to fix it by ourselves. I think we have lot of misinterpretation between us when we talk and if we understand each other better, we can communicate better. She has mentioned the future a couple times like next time WE go to the gym and so on and said it a few times. I'm trying to convince her she needs help just as much as me but I can only say so much....

So now my wife finally came out and said that she needs to live alone for awhile and find herself. She doesn't expect me to understand, but she said this is something she needs to do and understands that I will never understand it. We still love and care for each other but she needs to understand herself better. I'm trying to come to grips with this and in order to build trust I think this is the right thing to do. She even looked at an apartment for me (which i didn't ask for), to make sure I can live on my own (I don't make a ton of money). She suggested I sublet so if it works out I can leave easily and move back in. I want to say she is taking the easy way out and can be stronger, but I need to respect her wishes if I am to get her back. I just don't understand why I'M the one to sublet and not her. She refused to go to counseling as of late, but maybe I can suggest to go to pre-counseling in 4-6 weeks after we move out to see where we stand, I feel like I at least deserve that.

Perhaps she thinks it would be less expensive for you to move out. Would you be able to handle the rent for the place you currently live by yourself? Can she?

Having money issues is a definite trigger for depression and I'm sure she wouldn't want you to have that to deal with from staying put.

Keep going with your therapy. Focus on getting yourself well. Whatever else is supposed to happen will happen. Take care of YOU!

Her wanting to be alone to find herself doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It is something that is important to all of us. We have to search and learn things to make our selves whole. She probably has a lot of thinking to do. It doesn't mean she is taking the easy way out either. She has a lot of work to do and so do you. Do the same thing. Work on yourself. You both will have ultimately the same goal in this. As you both get stronger, you will learn what each of you wants out of the relationship. Do try to get her to go to counseling. And you continue with counseling too. Hopefully in a little while you will both be doing a lot better.

Hang in there, stay strong.

Hugs, Karen...

Sounds very rational. I think it will help.

I really wish you the best. I think things will work out.

Keep hanging in there and keep working on you.

Hugs, Karen...

David,

Some people want more out of life, right or wrong, I don't know.

Materials things more, the tangiblity at the moment is more important somehow. Some people grow old regretting that decision, some don't.

Peace
Trina

Hi David. As the person in your wife's shoes It's is hard to see our loved one depressed. Specially when the loved one who's depressed pushes you away and wants to be left alone. It's hurts. My ex gf has been depressed for the same reasons you are. Hasn't worked in 3 yrs and has bills. I have helped pay for everything during this time which I never once complained. But it's hard on us as much as it's hard on you. I didn't understand depression at all and my thinking was "snap out of it". But it's wasn't that easy as I learned. Sometimes problems can be solved with communication instead of falling into seclusion and distancing yourself emotionally. That is what my ex girlfriend did and still does sometimes. I have to be the strong one and put my pride aside and call or text her. She did seem medical help and is taking anti depressants. I'm trying to get her to talk to a therapist but fights me on it. The good thing is that you want the help and you are doing something about it. I'm proud of you for that my friend.

I kind of understand how your wife wants the space. When my ex gf broke up with me 8 months ago it hurt and broke me. But now I see why it happened. If we still lived together during this time in her life it would have really damaged both of us and ruined us I think. We have been "dating" and it's good. It's like starting over fresh. By lately she has been distant again. It hurts me as I truly love and miss her living together. Your wife loves you but we at times need to recharge alone. She doesn't want to loose you as she is still there with you. I'm working on myself as she's doing the same. One day it will all fall into place.

I used to think why me? Why is this happening to me and my gf. We will never know but to me it's a test of love and life. That's how I see it. It's making both of you stronger for things to come. Great things. Hope you feel better my friend.


Love and light.

Time and distance has nothing on true love. If it is meant to be, it will. Have faith...

Not everybody is the same. Marriage is a commitment to me too. But some people just view it as a piece of paper. I am sorry she seems so happy about separating for a bit. Maybe the thought of getting away from it all makes her less depressed. Give her the space as you planned and see what happens. There is no sense getting yourself upset over something you can do nothing about. Try to do something to make yourself feel better. Use this time to do nice things for yourself.

Sounds like she wants to live in a fairy land that does not exsist. She will eventually be happy no where until she realizes this.

You deserve self-compassion, kindess and time to heal from this break up.

Peace
Trina

She can love you but still not want to remain married. You can love a person and not like them. You can care about a person and not want to live with them.

I understand why you would be hurt and angry. But essentially it is what it is. She has become very clear to what she wants. This doesn't make her a bad person. Or cold hearted. She just wants different things than you do.

I hope you can move forward and get stronger with this. It is a matter of time I imagine. Getting through the hurt and sadness. Hang in there, keep working on yourself.

It is difficult, but you are going to need to move on. Pick up some different interests, make some new friends. Go easy on yourself for awhile, and don't beat yourself up for this. It is her decision.

I hope that this helps a little, though I am sure it is not what you want to hear. I am really sorry for what has happened. I hope you can get through this okay.

Hugs, Karen...