Help Me, Please.

I am new to this site, but I am hopeful to obtain some good advice. Thank you all in advanced.

So, my boyfriend and I have been together one year 12/08. We currently live together and have an arrangement that we take care of our own bills, he takes care of the rent, I take care of utilities, laundry, food, along with my own bills, half our phone, and my medical bills; I have helped him take care of his medical expenses (he has no health insurance) and I have provided gasoline in his sedan. We covered all bases during this arrangement and he was aware that I had my own bills as well. I initially was not going to move in due to not being able to cover half the rent plus everything mentioned above as I was not financially capable. My boyfriend convinced me and told me not to worry.

When my dog passed away in October of this year, my boyfriend decided to leave me in the dark of the bills. I was at a low point in my life and falling back into a depressive slump (I say this because I moved in with my boyfriend a few months before his passing). Any time I would ask if we were okay pertaining to the bills, he would reply yes, meanwhile, he was down spiraling and fast.We wound up being late on the rent and of course, received a letter stating a court date and his appearance (I am not on the lease). He called his father for help. It was a large sum neither one of us had.

When his dad did reply, he immediately directed the blame at me. He considered me the cause of the problem due to the "lavish gifts" I have received throughout our relationship. I have received no such gifts from my significant other. His father continued to label me as "ignorant, dumb as rocks, an idiot, a bad person, and a bad woman."

His father has met me a total of three times, the last time being when I brought my dog's urn home from the crematorium. I had the support of my wonderful friends, whom he decided to berate, as well.

"All of her friends that you had in your apartment? They're ******s! And her family? **** both her and her family." Quote the father.

He began a chain, once more, of how this was my fault that his son was in this predicament. He has told his son that I am not his future, and he if he were to so choose this relationship with me that it would be a big mistake. "She's wasteful with money."

After I pay my medical bills, my bills, take care of the apartment necessities I maybe buy an $8.00 book and tea on the rare occasion. At the end of my pay period(s), I only have a small amount in my account. I do not feel I am wasteful. He makes various comments pertaining to how we stock our home with food and has made comments on my weight.

My boyfriend kept contacting the apartment complex pertaining to eradicating the court fee. They finally got back to him this past Monday and advised that if he could pay what he owed by the next billing date, they would lift the court fee. He informed his father, and then informed me. I gave whatever I could ($200) and his father said he would take care of a good chunk. His father later messaged me and stated:

"You need to start taking this seriously. I have had enough of this. I am doing my part, YOU DO YOURS."

I do not understand where he was under the impression that I was not contributing.

"No need to respond, for once, I'd like to see action."

I never messaged him back.

His father once told us that a relationship should be 49/51. A woman contributes 49% and the male, to maintain his dominance, contributes 51%. In a way, that's how it had always been. Suddenly, it became, "This was supposed to be an equal partnership. She is not doing enough. In fact, son, she'll never do enough."

After all was said and done, my father advised I take a break from the situation and come back with him and my family for a short period. I was shaken from the constant jabs from his father. The few times I saw him, there was always something whether a comment, a sneer, and I always displayed respect because that was my boyfriend's father. I do believe I was judged for the method in which my dog passed. Lymphoma was attacking him aggressively and my family thought it best he be put down. His father does not believe in putting an animal to sleep.

My boyfriend stuck up for me the best he could, but, no matter what, his father I have a feeling will always overpower him because that's how it always was and he never had a reason to stand up to him until now.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I honestly don't want to make this seem like I'm taking it out on him. It may seem as though I ran from the situation, but his father is toxic. The instability within this man does trouble me, and I'm not sure if I want to stay in this kind of situation. It's certainly not healthy, and it's very clear that his father dislikes me strongly for untrue reasons. I work hard, I'm gaining an education, I took care of my baby the best I could before he passed. I know what I am, but I cannot allow myself to be berated or belittled by someone who is unhappy with himself. He speaks very ill of all the women in his life, including his own wife.

My boyfriend's friend said to not let his father win. At this point, I don't think this is a matter of anyone winning. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm very much open. Thank you.

I have been crying nonstop since this occurred, my eating habits have changed where my desire to eat has lessened despite feeling hungry.

BnotAfraid said...
Sounds like BF and you if the relationship is to continue, need to move away from Papa.


However, remember, BF did not communicate important information to you that started this whole mess. More than likely do to his upbringing and outlook on women.

Becareful for what you wish for here.

Peace
Trina

Hey Trina, thank you for replying. My boyfriend confessed to messing up in regards to the lack of communication. Our communication was nearly perfect, up until this mess. When I asked him why he did not convey that he was in financial distress, he claimed it was because he did not want to place the burden on me while I was grieving. I was extremely distraught by the loss of my dog and I have not been the same since, not to make excuses for him. I do not believe he shares the same outlook on women.

I do agree that we need to get away from his father (who lives nearby to the complex). I am currently with my family where I do feel safer for now.

That is such a tough situation to be in, poeticxruffles. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much on top of losing your dog. That is so hard. I think removing yourself from the situation as your Dad said for awhile is a good idea. When you're already having a hard time, staying in a toxic situation just compounds on top and makes it worse. You know yourself and that you are not the things he says about you. It sounds like he definitely has deep seeded issues of his own and you are his main target.

Have you seen a doc about how you're feeling? Or open to talking to a therapist? It could be helpful.

Wishing you the best!

I am sorry this is happening.It is so hard.

One thing I would do is stop taking suggestions from others. This concerns you and your partner--not anyone else. Money is involved, yes. A reasonable debt, yes. Your bf made a monetary request from his father,and the price his father chose was you. Not cool, daddio, as they would have said in the 1950s.

But the only conversation that matters is the one between you and him. Does he have your back? Yes or no? If he does not take daddy's money, what other options exist? I am sure, with some research, you can find some options to help pay back rent and perhaps move to a more affordable place.

But if partner is unwilling to make a stand--well, I would tread carefully. In relationships, the true test is not the love but the problems of life and how we all react to them.

Hugs,kiddo.

Myself 09 said...
I am sorry this is happening.It is so hard.

One thing I would do is stop taking suggestions from others. This concerns you and your partner--not anyone else. Money is involved, yes. A reasonable debt, yes. Your bf made a monetary request from his father,and the price his father chose was you. Not cool, daddio, as they would have said in the 1950s.

But the only conversation that matters is the one between you and him. Does he have your back? Yes or no? If he does not take daddy's money, what other options exist? I am sure, with some research, you can find some options to help pay back rent and perhaps move to a more affordable place.

But if partner is unwilling to make a stand--well, I would tread carefully. In relationships, the true test is not the love but the problems of life and how we all react to them.

Hugs,kiddo.

Thank you, Myself 09. I do agree that this does concern us and no one else. This is one of my first major relationships. I'm a late bloomer, so to speak, just turned 28 on Dec. 10th. When he and I spoke, him having my back was one of the first things that was brought to light. He said to me this was an eye opener for him. He was hopeful of family coming around that wasn't. His dad had changed throughout the years and none for the better. My heart goes out to my boyfriend because the concept of family is important to him. It was one thing if his father verbally abused him because he had endured that all of his life, but to see it happen to me... well, I couldn't blame my boyfriend too much on this matter. He has never had to defend a significant other before, so, this attack from his father was a very startling first.

While I am hurt, I feel for him, too. This was unwarranted, although not unexpected. I had my suspicions, and I thought I was paranoid, but, it seems I am not and the fact was of my instincts kicking in. Although I have been going through some feeling of overwhelm as of late. My anxiety has been kicking in. My appetite has been askew and I've been waking up with stomach pains. I should look into my community college's councilor and maybe speak to him/her. A professional outlet might really do me some good.