Posted 12/19/2015 9:33 AM (GMT 0)
I'm 18 and have been dealing with what I think is depression for the past four years or so. Basically, when I have these moments of what I believe may be depression, I feel numb. It hurts to go about life, there's always something bothering me in the back of my mind that makes living life difficult. I pray for these feelings to go away and I usually don't know the root of the feelings which makes it feel hopeless to get rid of them. I constantly feel like crying and feel like there's this gray cloud over me. It's a feeling that I can't explain. Then finally, it just gets lifted out of nowhere and I go about living life happily.
This is so incredibly frustrating. These feelings fluctuate so much and it impacts my life so much. I can't stand to talk to anyone when I'm like this because I feel like crying, and that thing that's lingering on the back of my mind is always there. However, at the same time, I feel like I need to talk to someone. I need to socialize, but it's so hard to initiate it. I have to force myself to get up, to go out, that it's the only way to heal. I lose all of my motivation to achieve my goals. I suddenly don't care anymore and wish desperately to regain that motivation. For example, when I'm feeling happy and "normal," I exercise every day, try to eat healthy, work on self-growth such as by pursuing hobbies and taking on independent studies, etc. During my depressed episodes, all of this is put on hold and I have to start from square one when I'm myself again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. These waves just hit me randomly. It doesn't happen that often, but when it does, it's so hard to cope with. I don't know why this happens. I didn't have the best childhood, growing up with an alcoholic father who may also be bipolar, seeing him mistreat my mom and then regret it so much after, seeing him in prison many times, him having to leave the country when I was 14 thinking that life would never be the same again, never having enough money to make ends meet, constantly having to move around because of dad losing job/ not being able to afford the rent, etc.
All of this was hard on me, but I learned to deal with it and use it as a learning experience. I don't think this is what's causing the depression.
Now that my parents are back together and my dad is drinking again, my family seems so disconnected and just overall unhappy and unmotivated. My dad barely shows any affection towards my mom, which I can see is killing her inside. My parents' lives consist of working and sleeping. My mom is always fatigued, even though she's still young (less than 40). My dad is always in a bad mood with her. My siblings are always in bed on their electronics. On the other hand, I'm away at college having the time of my life. I'm meeting great people, building connections, succeeding in college, and looking forward to my future, whereas it seems like my family is just living day by day, without looking forward to anything. This makes me feel so incredibly guilty and sad and hopeless. I feel like I shouldn't be setting goals for myself, shouldn't be so happy when the rest of my family seems to be miserable. This bothers me so much and makes me feel really down.
For example, when I start a new work out routine, I feel so guilty because I know that my mom also wants to be healthy and lose weight, but she has no motivation to do so. Also, I think she feels like my dad would judge her for doing it, which he probably would (he's very controlling during his grumpy moments). I can see that jealousy and sorrow in her eyes when she sees that I'm exercising or when my dad compliments me. I can tell that she doesn't like talking about my college life or my future plans. It makes me feel so bad because I know that she can't do it over again and relive the life she wants. It's so unfair that I get to live such a fulfilled, happy life. It's so unfair that I have all of these goals and aspirations and a plan to accomplish them while the rest of my family is just letting life go by without making the best of it, without trying to do what makes them happy. It's so unfair and so messed up and I hate myself for it.
In addition to this guilt, lately I've been thinking so much about death. I had always thought of it as an abstract thing, but lately its been hitting me that we're all going to die someday, that my existence is going to over, that it's going to be like I never lived, and it's crazy to think about. I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. It's been bothering me all day, hasn't let me sleep, has been causing me to eat unhealthy, has made me lose all motivation. I'm wondering if it's another one of those bad episodes that will eventually go away. It's taking over all of my thoughts and it's terrifying to think about. I keep dreaming about it and thinking about how horrible it will be when I lose my loved ones. I will never be able to handle it. It makes me feel so down and like there's no purpose to life. What's the point if we're all going to die anyway? We won't remember our lives, we won't have any recollection of life is like, because we will no longer exist. It's so frustrating and frightening to think about.
All of these horrible thoughts are interfering with my life. I want to stop thinking these thoughts, I want to stop feeling so numb all the time. I want to go on living my life happily. I don't know what to do at this point, I feel like how I feel is out of my control because these thoughts and feelings just creep up on me out of nowhere. Does anyone have any insight/advice he/she could share?