Depressed about Step-daughters actions, no clue how to process them :-(

I've been depressed about the issue I'm about to share for months. I'm a bit reluctant to write about it, but have decided to just to simply "Get it Out" I have nobody else to tell my feelings to so, here goes.

My hubby and I have been together for 18 years. Married 10 of those years, we took our time and did our best to be sensitive to his 4 children and didn't rush into getting married until they were a bit more grown up. Fast forward to today, he and I are both now retired and 61 years old. The 4 children are now grown and three of them have children of their own, and have blessed us with 7 grand-kids.

The 4 adult children are now:

Daughter, 41 mother to 4, a wonderful person with a good husband both successful and all children are thriving well.
Daughter 39, not married, has a daughter 5 years old. She works very little, lives off the system as much as she can, gold digs guys she dates, lies to her father about her employment and attempts to borrow money from anyone she can, has huge sense of entitlement and no desire to ever obtain employment full time.
Daughter 27, not married, two daughters 4 & 6, works as a nurse teaches at the junior college, is attending college to obtain a masters degree and works a third job when she can fit it in. Her daughters are thriving and well balanced and very happy.
Son 27, twin to Daughter 27, not married, has a girlfriend, lives and works happily in Idaho.

The issue at hand:

The middle daughter 39 is the problem, issue, or what not. She was a big challenge from the time I met hubby. I actually was with him for nearly two years before I met her face to face. It was when she contacted her dad to reel him back into her life so he could give her money for her wedding. It was a nice wedding, we never received the wedding pics we ordered through her and paid for. As expected by most members of the family, the marriage lasted less then a year. Weeks after the wedding, she went back to her prior ways, being absent in our lives. Years ago, this behavior of hers actually never bothered me. She is a very difficult person to even be around. She is phony, manipulative, self-serving, conniving, and she lies. Her other family members recognize this, more so since they all have gotten older and became more aware of how she is choosing to live her life. Her sisters and brother graduated from college, obtained jobs, they pay their own bills, buy their own homes and don't live off the system or expect other people to pay their bills. She attempted on occasion to borrow money from them, then resented it when they started telling her no.

So, the short version of a long story....Hubby and I had been living out of the country for several years and returned to the states about two years ago. During the time we were away, Hubby would make visits on a regular basis to spend time with his children and the grands that were born. We would send gifts for birthdays, Christmas, I would make a quilt for the grands for their arrivals into the world. As the kids and grands got older, as hubby and I did, we decided to move back home to be near the kids and grands. *with me so far, hope so* So we moved back "Home" to be able to do this.

A few months before we arrived home, during one of Hubby's' visits, something went very wrong between hubby and the middle entitlement daughter. The phone calls and the photos of the grand-kid all suddenly stopped, I asked "what happened between you and daughter"? he responded that she wanted him to give her money and he wouldn't. She had no job and wanted to take her baby daddy back to court for more child support. Even her mom phoned hubby asking for money, he told his ex wife, he will help daughter in other ways, but wont pay for a lawyer. I don't blame him. (the baby daddy is a good guy, he was paying the max child support he was ordered on time she was simply being greedy) Also, about this time, hubby helped middle daughter finance a home for her and her two girls. She needed help getting the house because she had gotten behind with her student loan payments and hurt her credit. She was now paying things on her own on time, but needed help with the loan. In my opinion, I think middle daughter got mad at her dad because he helped her sister get her house. Hubby would help any of his kids, but to sign for a loan for Middle entitlement daughter would be a financial disaster because she wouldn't make the payments she doesn't work a job, doesn't intend to. It's a very sad situation, I wish I could some how give her some guidance or be a friend to her, but she wont let me in.

Over the years I've reached out to her, I've invited her to lunch, to go skydiving with me, go shopping for shoes etc she'd accept but then ignore my calls and texts when it came time to set a date and time. After a while, I basically just give up!

After we returned from living away Feb. 2014, all the kids were happy to see us, they made a effort to re-connect with us, welcomed me into the fold, as did all the grand-kids. Except that is for middle daughter entitlement.When Last Christmas 2014 came, we spent time with all of them, even middle daughter who we had to phone multiple times to get her to fit us into her oh so busy schedule. We gave grand daughter a bike. We never saw it again after that day. In fact, since then, we have seen the two of them maybe 5 times in the last two years.

This year Christmas came, I made a big girl quilt for grand daughter, as I had for the other grands, made a effort to text daughter entitlement to ask what little one would like from Santa (from Grandpa & Grandma) she told me Barbies. I had hopes we'd get to see the two of them and have a little time to enjoy family togetherness. The presents were wrapped and remained under the Christmas Tree until I took it down Jan 6th. No word no nothing from daughter. Now mind you, she lives 10 miles away, one street over from Youngest daughter.

Hubby texted and phoned Middle entitlement daughter regarding "getting together" after Christmas, she responded by doing her Phony ACT of being all happy to hear from her Dad, "Oh yes we must get together Dad I have a gift for you" then she simply ignored his texts and didn't phone him back.
The first week of January was the 5th birthday of middle entitlements daughter. Hubby assumed we'd be invited for the birthday, at the very least, we'd bring Christmas and birthday gifts to the grand-kid then Hubby decided. Again, Hubby texted and phoned, only to receive a reply she'd get back to him, but again, never did. I have to admit, it hurts me also especially now that a little girl who is our grandchild is a part of the equation. I'm lost for how to even process all of this :-(


My issue is I am appalled, even the most distant family's try to have 30 minutes to include even the least loved member of a family during the Christmas season, at least that's what was done where I came from. Her dad is a very respectable person, his other kids love him, people love him, he's a nice guy. He paid his child support on time, helped all his kids when they needed help. Bought all of his daughters cars and fixed them when they wrecked or they broke down. I don't understand how a daughter can be so heartless. I just don't get this daughter, treating him like total bird poop. Her actions speak volumes, and scream, your not even rating an after thought Dad, I have no time for you even at Christmas and I have no need for your Christmas Gifts or Birthday Gifts, plus, I don't want you as a part of my life or my daughters unless you give me your money. I have no clue how to even feel about this Daughter anymore. She actually means nothing to me now. But, because she is my husbands kid, I have to accept her as a part of my life and extended family.

Her Dad is the kind of person who, in a case like this, will go on and act like nothing is wrong. To me, I feel hes condoning her ignorant disrespectful behavior. She is nearly 40 years old, I realize she probably wont change but I just don't think "ACTING LIKE IT'S ALL OK" is the right approach to this. Something needs to change, this Grown Daughter needs a wake up call. Next week her dad is going for a biopsy for prostate cancer. Needless to say, I'm worried and extremely concerned for my husband. Plus, I in my heart of hearts would like to see this situation rectified some how, parents die, then there is no more time for talking. I'd hate to see this daughter have to live with the sad regrets I've seen friends of mine have to shoulder because they waited to long to visit their parents or forgive them for something they did or said. Crying at funerals because your sorry after the fact is just so unnecessary, I don't want that for her. I know we can't save people from themselves but I just can't help wanting to try.

I can't pretend things are OK. When I next see her, I don't know how I will be able to pretend she didn't hurt my husband, and also me. Plus the disrespect is so wrong, I feel. It hurts my feelings that she is holding my grand daughter hostage from her dad and me. It hurts me more to know she has hurt my husbands heart. My problem is, I defend the people I love and honor when others hurt them. It's hard for me to not want to defend my husband in this case but it's his own daughter who is the one dealing out the pain, time and time again. I don't know what to do.

A part of me is also angry because I feel she is waiting for us to die so she can cash in on what we leave behind, that bothers me....why cry at her fathers funeral when she could have been a part of his life while he was alive??

Please help me, I'm so lost at what to do or how to handle this situation, I feel I have nothing to loose, I just can't pretend anymore that everything is alright.

Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read my post, I'm sorry it was so L O N G. It had been building up inside me for months now. I actually do feel much better merely going through this process of getting it out.

All thoughts, comments, opinions, and suggestions are all welcome.

Peace & Love,

Charlene

She can only hurt you if you let her. I think hubby is doing the right thing by ignoring it. I too feel bad for the grand child. She is the one getting hurt the most.

Is there any way you can barge in on her, bring the presents, have quick polite conversation and then leave? That way you can have an idea how things are going and give the grand daughter her gifts??? Just wondering.

I have learned not to get in between my husband and step son. Though his actions effect me too so I know how you feel. I am nice to him. But I don't believe a word he says and take everything with a grain of salt. That is the best I can do. I think if you do the best you can, that is what matters. But don't let it get to you. It just isn't worth it.

I hope you do get to get to know the grand daughter, they are awesome....

Hugs, Karen...

Thanks everyone for you kind words of encouragement.

We live in a small community so not much happens that isn't soon talked about. Apparently middle daughter entitlement, grilled youngest daughter about "HOW" she was able to get the house and she either kept after youngest daughter until she caved and told her or she just assumed Dad helped.

Middle daughter Entitlement did in a phone convo say to her dad "I know you helped youngest daughter get her house" to that dad didn't reply anything, basically ignored it.

I've stayed out of it completely, as I said before, the two girls live very close, just one street away. Middle entitlement daughter moved to her house less then 6 months after youngest daughter and her two girls moved into theirs.

I agree, it possibly did toss gas on the fire for Middle entitlement daughter, but, it really doesn't take much for her to get her self all in a huffy state of drama.

I just don't know if I can face her, it's much too soon for me. I'm taking a break from her for a while. I don't know if this is selfish of me, but I need to think of myself first for now.

Hubby always wants me to be beside him when ever we attend family functions. To have to tell him, I need some time out, I know will possibly displease him. I know he will ask me why and what he should say as an explanation for my absence. I hate to ask him to make up some excuse I'm sick, but he wont tell the truth so ....meh I just need some time to disconnect, drop the rope, unplug from this individual who is so icky.

At the moment I'm also in the process of grieving over the sudden passing of my closest and dearest friend so I'm trying to avoid unnecessary drama.

And thanks Lynwood, that was a very needed awesome advice you gave me....I like it, you "broke through my cluttered mind" and touched me where I needed when you wrote:

"I hope you find a way to move on and quit letting her steal your energy by letting her "live rent-free in your head". (That's what I call it when my thoughts/energy are consumed by another beyond all reason.)

I will chew on your advice and keep it close so I can evict this consumption and let it go away far from my thoughts and keep my precious energy for happy healthy productive things.

Thanks again everyone Peace, Love, & Light <3

Hi Charlene, I'm probably not the best person to give you advise as I tend to be too blunt for some people but if this woman is hurting her father maybe she needs to be told that by someone close to him (you).
I agree with "getting by" when she asked if there was any way to "barge in on her, have a quick polite conversation and leave" I think it might be really hard for you to be able to just step back from the situation if it is directly affecting you (the man you love).
I have an aunt who is exactly everything you say this entitlement daughter is and she really hasn't changed much over the years but she seemed almost shocked when her sisters confronted her and told her she was hurting thier father. It was the only time my Aunt seemed to care about anything. Before my Grandfather died, she had done her best to make ammends to him (nobody else since then) but she didn't even notice how her actions were hurting him because he never told her. Your husband sounds like that kind of man. He loves his daughter regardless of what she does and he doesn't tell her when she hurts him for fear of losing her completely so he just grins and bears it. It truly is sad that she has him held hostage in that way and that's why I think someone needs to straight out tell her and that's it. She needs to hear it from someone. Maybe she will change and maybe she won't but at least you can say you tried to tell her and then you can bow out after that if need be.
I do think that you won't feel better until you've told her how her actions are affecting your husband and yourself. If you're anything like me it at least has to be addressed, even if it is uncomfortable.
I don't see how telling her that you don't think it's fair of her to exclude you two from her life and your grandaughter's life is a bad thing? Get it out there and then the ball is in her court. Maybe she just needs to hear these things from the right person in the right way to realize what she is doing.?
You sound to me like a fair woman who would tell her in a kind and honest way without being rude or offensive.
I think there is a reason you needed to get it off your chest on this forum but I think it's about time you got it off your chest to the person who needs to hear it most. HER!
After you tell her what you need to say then by all means "don't let her steal anymore of your energy" If she isn't willing to change her behaviour then you can't change it for her but at that point you can decide that she's no longer worth it. It's up to you. 😉

I didn't know if you realized, but if you go to your profile, you can make a signature so your quote comes up every time and you don't have to keep retyping it.

I am glad you are feeling better and that you are sleeping better too.

It does help to share things here and get other people's opinions.

I do like your quote by the way.

Hugs, Karen...