Having trouble forgiving myself for past mistakes

Hi everyone. I have posted on here before about my diabetes and anxiety. I have been feeling severely depressed and I am having trouble forgiving myself for some horrible choices I have made in my past which caused my 18 year relationship with the father of my 17 year old son to end. I had some problems with alcohol and I have been sober for over a year now. I keep living in the past and want to move on but I have a lot of guilt because of the things I did while I was drinking. I feel like I am worthless at times and my family would be better off without me. Then I think of my son and it makes me not want to die. He is my everything and I am so proud that he is a good kid and makes excellent grades. He doesn't drink or do drugs and tells me he has learned what not to do from my mistakes because he has seen me in bad moments of depression. I thought quitting alcohol would be the answer to my depression but I guess it isn't. Now I have to figure out how to accept life on life's terms without alcohol or drugs. I don't feel like drinking but am feeling so depressed. i used to be a great singer and gave it up because of depression and now I am out of practice. I opened for Toby Keith in California and sang on several major television shows, did Honda and Ford commercials and was successful to a point. I feel like I have no purpose anymore.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Janet C

Hi Janet.

I am in the process of self-forgiveness, loss connection with my whole family for different reasons than yours.

However, what we do have in common, is that we are basically good people and we can not control how people react or reacted to us.

We can not change the past, we can only enjoy today, learn today and maybe improve tomorrow.

but tomorrow takes care of itself.

I have a few books on self-compassion [which is a conduit to self-forgiveness] you have to like yourself, before you can forgive yourself.

The books I have are based on childhood abuse, so you might want to do your own exploration. Go to a few libraries in your area, even a college or two. Review some of the books and if you like some, then buy them.

I suggest this because, I think the book will become a 'reference' for you, like mine has. It is not a read put way type subject. It is a OH I need support again, what was that paragraph?

I hope this helps.

Peace
Trina

Thank you for responding and giving advice. I have always had an issue with insecurity and people pleasing, so I am ashamed of some of my past mistakes but I do have to forgive myself and like myself, which I am working on. I am currently trying to workout (yoga, zumba, and ab workouts) and trying to eat three meals a day plus snacks. (that one is difficult). When I drank I did not eat and since I have been sober I still haven't gotten much of my appetite back and being a type 1 diabetic (since age 2) is definitely a must to eat all meals and snacks. I have always been a very nice and sensitive person who doesn't take compliments well. It is time to change that. I went to Barnes and Nobles and the library last week but nothing stood out at Barnes and Nobles. I am just not sure what to read for self esteem and forgiving yourself. Thank you for the advice and I will keep searching for something to read that will help along with my current therapy.

Sincerely,
Janet Singer

Hi Janet,
I'll bet if someone were to come to you and tell you 'your story' and you knew that person was being this upfront and honest...YOU would forgive THEM.... because you sound like a truly nice person who wants to do their best.
I believe most of us have gone through this problem you are having with lack of self-forgiveness....
So what we do is keep punishing ourselves and its a vicious circle... for your sake and your son's... just be WILLING to Let It Go. I don't care WHAT you did! Its done and over and your DESERVE happiness and peace of mind... It is NOW...right NOW...and you are RIGHT HERE.... and its ALL that counts. Honest! :) And I wish you would consider this: it is NEVER one sided...EVER... and you would tell others that, too, I'll betcha!
So you just take good care of yourself. You could ask your GP to put you in touch with a therapist...just short term...to help you gain self=perspective... I see one!--and I am in my 70's!!... and it does help... :) Peace to you.
Bettsann

Janet,

I will find some books for you that are not abuse related, no worries.

Peace
Trina