Depressed Wife?

Hello all. Excuse me for making yet another thread about a depressed spouse. I hope it's not a bother to have multiple threads about the same topic (some other forums take issue with it).

I've known my wife for almost four years, while we've been married for almost three. I met her a few months after she ended an abusive relationship of six years. We met by coincidence between a mutual friend and hit it off immediately. I could go into the practically movie-like romance that blossomed, but I'll hold off on that for now.

My wife has a history with psychiatric services. After she moved in with her abusive ex, she developed anxiety problems and some symptoms of depression. She saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed Xanax. The Xanax worked, but life circumstances prevented her from keeping up with her doctor. This was shortly after we met. She hasn't been medicated since then (mid-2012).

Throughout our relationship there have been times where she feels a strong sense of emptiness and numbness. She becomes distant affectionately and emotionally. These spells seemed unprompted and tended to last for one to three days.

A new spell started last week and hasn't let up for the longest period thus far. She feels numb, empty, rarely laughs, and doesn't want the "feeling" of being in a romantic relationship. She says she still loves me as a friend, but the romantic love she felt before is now gone. For the record, she doesn't want romance or sexual attraction with anyone or towards anyone at all. She just wants to be alone.

I'm devastated. The center of my universe has vanished. The person who I could spend hours cuddling with in bed can now barely hug me for a few moments. Just two weeks ago we were in what seemed like the best period of our relationship so far. She was eager to see me, her sex drive was higher than usual, and she was happy to finally have a job. Now, it's gone. She prefers to sleep in a separate bed, is indifferent towards seeing me, and cautiously optimistic about her job. We did try to make love at her insistence, but afterwards she said she "felt nothing" and, while usually very easy to bring to climax, was unable to reach climax at all. 

There are a few elements I should mention:

First, although my wife feels emotionally numb, she hasn't really changed in mood otherwise. She's not mean or outwardly sad. There's a slight somberness to her demeanor and she does get sad when she sees how this is impacting me. Her friends have noticed her somber demeanor, but she hasn't opened up to them about what's going on. Otherwise, for all intents and purposes she's 100% functional and about 80% normal mood-wise. No mood swings, lashing out, thoughts of self-harm, lack of motivation, hopelessness, etc etc. (As a side note, the latter characteristics seem to come around about occasionally when she had these spells in the past).

Second, my wife recently started working. She graduated from university last winter but struggled to find work. She finally got an unpaid internship at the beginning of March. She would be at the internship for about 30 hours a week. Just this week they hired her as an employee with pay. She's now working 40 hours a week. Her responsibilities have increased, sleep schedule has been altered, and is now investing more effort into her job. She does seem a little overwhelmed by it, which is unusual compared to how well she suffered the living hell that classes at university put her through.

Third, my wife ended her period early this week. She is on birth control. For the first time, she decided to continue taking the birth control pills while menstruating (usually she would switch to the placebos until her bleeding stopped). I don't know if that would cause mood changes? I'll try and find out the name of her birth control and look up side effects.

Fourth, it does seem like there is a family history of mental problems. My wife has remarked that her mother has some mental instability, but I'm unclear on the specifics. My wife did grow up under rather difficult circumstances. She had a "traditional Chinese" upbringing, with a father who was emotionally distant and heavy with physical punishment. Her parents have been loveless for many years, and they're only married in the legal sense. She's forgiven her father and has a better relationship with him now, but the past may have left emotional scars.

Fifth, my wife hasn't been single for more than a few months at a time since she was a teenager. It could be said that she still needs to "find herself" (her words as well), and she may still have unresolved baggage from her six-year relationship with her abusive ex. The plus-side is that she has experienced some degree of healing and improvement with me, and she swears up and down that I'm perfect in every imaginable way (I respectfully disagree, of course).

Sixth, my wife IS seeking professional help, but it's difficult to come across. She's tried infrequently in the past to get an appointment with a psychiatrist who can prescribe her medication. She tried seeking help from the walk-in doctor's office, but they've given her the run-around with social workers who can't prescribe anything (and of course she only finds this out too late). She DOES want medication to take so she can get rid of the feeling of emptiness she's currently experiencing. However, psychiatrists in our area aren't taking new patients, and currently the only appointment she could find is six weeks from now (not unusual, but difficult since I would obviously prefer it much sooner). She's not optimistic that medication would restore her feelings of romance for me.

This message is quite along already, so I'll try to wrap things up. I'm trying my very best to accommodate her trial and be as supportive as possible. At first, I was hurt, confused, and bitter, which I know only made things worse. I think if I functioned in a friendly manner and treated her normally, she wouldn't have experienced further alienation. For now, I'm trying to focus her on filling that emptiness she's experiencing with no strings attached to our relationship.

I wanted to ask you all if these characteristics are common for depression, and if I can have a shred of optimism that our romance can survive this trial.

Thank you for your time.

Decreased libido is certainly a sign of depression, but in and of itself is not indicative of depression. Your description of her overall behaviour suggests that she's dealing with the same emotional ebbs and flows as most of us. I suggest those same ups and downs have been exacerbated by her new responsibilities at work.

Doing what you can to be supportive will help her move through her rough patch A psychiatrist or psychologist might help her reconcile with any issues from her past, although frankly, she doesn't sound like a candidate for medication.

With respect to your concern about your romance surviving this trial, who knows what tomorrow has in store? Be a friend, be supportive of your relationship together, and give your wife the space she needs to move forward.

Best of luck.

Thank you to everyone for your replies, advice, and words of encouragement. I greatly appreciate it.

Personally, I do have some anxiety and OCD problems which I've been seeing a psychiatrist for over the past few years. I have an appointment in the near future at which I'll disclose my current hardships. Hopefully I can get the extra help I need to keep me stable during this time, because I'm certainly no good to help others if I can't help myself.

The last few days I've been trying to give my wife space and reassure her that I'm present if she needs anything. I don't know if I should count it a blessing that she's just as sweet as ever. It makes the distance between us that much harder, but it's certainly more preferable to her hating my guts and running for the hills.

getting by said...
Can you get on a cancelation list at the psychiatrist? Where if somebody cancels, she could get in sooner? Just a thought... I think medication would help, but know that still takes time. It can take six to eight weeks for antidepressants to reach full potential. Though something like Xanax would work sooner for anxiety if she needs that.

The sexual side effects are common with depression. Note people want to be alone but not lonely. So she still wants you there, just not to interact. I know that this is hard for you, but I think if you get through this you will have it licked. Though I found out after 16 years with a person you can still realize that there are things you may not know, or they can still change. So it is one day at a time for me.

I wasn't aware of the concept of a cancellation list, but that's definitely a great thing to inquire about! Thank you for the suggestion. And yeah, it seems like "people want to be alone but not lonely" describes her well. She still enjoys speaking to her friends and my company.

I knew I was in it for the long haul when I proposed to her. I think she is too, although she's very wary of being optimistic for fear of giving me false hope. I try to steer her away from such lines of discussion...

F27 said...
Decreased libido is certainly a sign of depression, but in and of itself is not indicative of depression. Your description of her overall behaviour suggests that she's dealing with the same emotional ebbs and flows as most of us. I suggest those same ups and downs have been exacerbated by her new responsibilities at work.

It certainly looks like it can be on that borderline where this might just be a case of burnout. I want to say that I know her well enough to say that it isn't the case, but circumstances change things. We had to start paying back her student loans this winter, and while I've been managing the burden well it still causes her to stress out a lot. One recent development over this past weekend was her discovering a loan payment which began in February of $230 a month that she didn't know about. We ended up paying three months of the loan over the weekend. I took it calmly, but I know these things really trouble her.

BnotAfraid said...
Unfortunately this might not happen unless she voluntaraly checks herself into a chrisis center for bad thoughts, then into a inpatient stay. They may help her in the long run, talking about the abuse from prior people, open up that crap so she can let it go. Get the right meds to get her stable.

While I think that a crisis center would be very helpful, she's not a danger to anyone and simply can't afford the luxury since the situation isn't that dire. Even scheduling normal appointments is something of a chore now since she just started this job. She relies on public transport to get to work, so it complicates things.

I've asked her about talking to her past / current social workers about her childhood and ex, but she says she isn't anywhere near ready. It's definitely something that will have to be addressed sooner or later, but that's for her to decide. She's pretty much given me the whole story, though, so I suppose it's not entirely locked away.

Yeah, it does definitely seem as if her job both elates her and troubles her. She feels swamped, but I can tell that she enjoys her work to an extent. I've also noticed her increase in confidence since she started it, although it's in a field that she's unfamiliar with.

I also think that I've pressured her into being more public with our relationship than she would prefer. I've had a picture of the both of us as my main photo on social media, been cute with responses, etc. Although she's expressed how those things make her uncomfortable and I've tried to accommodate her, I've also occasionally fired back with accusations that she's ashamed of our relationship. It literally just dawned on me that it's most likely nothing of the sort, and I've been forcing her out of her comfort zone for so long and shaming her when she tries to reclaim it. I feel as if I've been really cruel and selfish now... I'll discuss it with her tomorrow.

A brief update: my wife's mood does seem to be improving. There's still an aura of stress, but we're conversing much more naturally and sharing laughs together. Surprisingly, she initiated intimacy and was able to climax multiple times, so there's a problem that may be disappearing. Still, she wouldn't kiss and declined to share the same bed. So, patience...

I'd like to reiterate my gratitude. Thanks for the support and the introspection that talking about this provides.

It's been a difficult few days since I last checked in.

Although my wife's mood improved and she regained some of her spark, it just made it harder for me to endure the romantic distance between us. We spent Saturday separately, each of us going to see our respective friends. I got to talk with her in person before we went to bed. I told her that I was sorry for the ways I've pressured her to be affectionate in person and online. She seemed to accept my apology, but insisted that it wasn't causing this current state of affairs and reminded me not to focus on the past. It was a decent talk, but I felt some emptiness inside due to the lack of any progress.

Sunday was a lot more difficult. I slept late that day. My wife woke me up by playfully hopping onto my bed and telling me what time it was. The familiarity felt like a knife in my heart since nothing else had changed. She sensed the awkwardness and said I could go back to sleep if I wanted to. I got up instead and we did our own things.

We were supposed to spend time together that evening, but it was too painful for me. The next time I saw her I started to cry. I told her that I want to spend time with her, but it's too difficult for me to. She understood and I said goodnight. I shut the door to my room, took down our pictures, removed my ring, and cried myself to sleep. Later that night she chose to sleep in bed with me instead of in another room (as she had been for the four or five days prior). We both had a restless sleep that night, all the while struggling to get comfortable on opposite ends of the bed.

Monday was pretty bad for me. I was still hurting from the day before. It crushed me that I didn't get to share the prior evening with my wife because I was too sad. We texted intermittently throughout the day. I slept right when I got home.

My wife has a teacher's assistant course on Monday evenings, so she didn't get home until 9. She woke me up and we talked for a little bit. It was pleasant at first, until I remarked (non-judgmentally) that she was taking things rather well. She responded with some defensiveness. She said that it was a coping mechanism, and actually feels awful regarding her emotions and how our lives are affected. I forget why, but I started crying. I asked her why she didn't love me any longer. She said she didn't know and started to cry as well. I told her that I was going to go back to sleep and she left the room after regaining some composure.

Later that evening my wife came into my bed again. She was crying harder than I had seen in a long time, and showing the first real depths of sorrow since this spell started. She kept apologizing and saying how awful she felt. I held her and stroked her hair, reassuring her that everything was okay. She was able to calm down and drift to sleep. It saddens me to say this, but I slept very well that night. I was able to hold my wife for the first time in over a week.

My spirits were slightly improved today as a result of holding my wife last night. However, I can feel impatience and sorrow hovering over me. I want so badly for things to be better. I tell myself that depression can't be reasoned with, but I keep wondering why my wife is now so repelled by a romance she used to cherish. I wish I could just be content with our friendship right now. I want so badly to enjoy what we can share. And yet, I find myself gazing longingly into her eyes and waiting for the love she used to have for me to wash over her. It never happens...

I told my parents about this situation last week. They're more worried than anything. Mental illness isn't new to my family, unfortunately. My dad has a hard time grasping the concept of my wife suddenly feeling empty and shunning all romantic attachment (he's the only one who hasn't been cursed with a mental illness or disorder, whereas my mother and I have). He's trying very hard to understand, but still insists that marriage is a commitment and has to be upheld. He says that my wife should honor the vows that she took and not be so quick to dismiss them. I tried to explain to my dad that it isn't because my wife thinks the grass is greener elsewhere, but that she doesn't have the capacity to feel those romantic emotions anymore. She can't even notice that there IS grass, so to speak.

Although I believe what I told my dad, his remarks still linger in my head. A small part of me feels like my wife should be trying to maintain the staples of romance, if only in the smallest respects, until things get better. And yet, this just may be how she does it: by being friendly and wanting to hang out with me. I suppose I should be grateful that my wife isn't running for the hills to get away from me... yet, my wife's reluctance to look forward to a better future is dismaying. She's a pessimist by nature and never liked to endorse absolutes (such as wedding vows), so she isn't very encouraging when she doubts that things will improve.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to endure this. It feels like I'm getting struck harder by this than my wife is. I can't shut out all the negative feelings I have. Even at work, I'm a ghost that just drifts through chores until it's time to go home. I don't have the ambition to enjoy the hobbies which I used to. I've been using sleeping pills most days this past week because I just want to be sleep until things are better. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week and I plan to mention all of this, but it's a daily struggle. I'm scared that the next six weeks of a dead romance will doom future efforts to rekindle things once she finally gets a prescription for medication.

I know not to try to "fix" my wife, or blame her, or pressure her... I just don't know what I can do beyond trying to accommodate her as much as possible. I'm so used to fixing things, to uplifting her, to being that security blanket that she curls up to and uses to blot out all the troubles of the world. Standing by helplessly is just something I'm not used to.

getting by said...
I am glad you are seeing somebody so you can talk about things. I don't think your dad is right in saying she should try to fulfill her wifely duties. She is going through a hard time. I think you should understand. And let her know it is okay. You may not realize how hard it is to have sex when you aren't feeling good. For women, it isn't just an action.

I absolutely agree. It's not the absence of sex which we were discussing. My dad meant marital vows as in the promise that the relationship is meant for a lifetime. He believes that there should be that voice in the back of one's head which says, "You made a promise to stay married and work through whatever problems arise (unless they're severe, such as infidelity, abuse, etc). It's a responsibility that you ultimately can't disregard." I think mentioning to him that my wife considers us as "single" now made him bring that up.

For the record, my wife tells me she still experiences arousal and desire towards me (which I told her she can act upon whenever she likes, although she doesn't want to make our situation more difficult to endure). Sex isn't my concern. Rather, it's the sense of being linked to her as a husband that I miss... that existential bond, I suppose... plus the cuddles and kisses. And, going back to what my dad said, I worry about the longevity of our marriage if she doesn't list it among her priorities. I miss the joy and pride she used to have towards being married to me.

I gently inquired about these things. My wife told me that a relationship feels like baggage now. She's emotionally burnt out. When I inquired how she feels about physical affection (hugs, kisses, general closeness), she says that she gets a queasy feeling unless she initiates it. I respect all of that and try to understand as best as I can.

She also said that the long-term doesn't enter her mind nowadays. Presently, she's concerned about taking it one day at a time. Therefore, long-term commitment of marriage doesn't rank on the list of things she needs to be worried about.

getting by said...
Be patient. If things work out they do, if not, life kind of goes on. You are putting so much into something that is relatively simple. Over thinking I guess. The bottom line is she isn't feeling good and needs help. I hope she sees somebody. I cant' remember now.

Thank you. I'm trying... Yeah, I figure that I'm over-thinking. My wife sees a social worker to talk about what bothers her every other week. She currently has a first appointment with a psychiatrist at the beginning of June. This is all at her volition, so I'm thankful for that.

Post Edited (Akropola) : 4/27/2016 5:19:00 AM (GMT-6)

Thankfully, my wife was able to get an appointment at an earlier date. Instead of waiting four weeks, we now only have to wait two. Quite a relief.

Unfortunately, it seems as though the state of our marriage might not be linked wholly to depression. We've had a few discussions over the past few days and my wife has expressed some life outlooks which she hasn't mentioned since the first time we met. Back then, she discussed her openness to polyamory (with both sexes) and the desire to travel abroad without the baggage of a significant other.

These are concepts which had practically vanished after we became involved. She became very much engrossed with the idea of monogamy and hated the thought of being more than a half-hour away from me. While I noticed how her attitudes slightly relaxed as we entered the third year of our relationship, she still didn't express ideas on par with how she did when we first met.

Apparently the return to her old desires happened sooner than when she recently became depressed. According to her, it started after we had been together for two years. At that point, she also started noticing that perhaps we weren't as "connected" intuitively. I suggested that might have been because she was too scared to disclose her ideas and feelings to me, and she agreed that it might have been a reason.

Now, my wife is planning a two-week trip abroad in the coming months. She's budgeting and, of course, currently working. It won't be a financial burden. It's a trip that I know she's been wanting to take, and she has several long-distance friends which she'll be meeting on that trip. I'm not jealous, but I am hurt... Not only was I not invited, but I was explicitly denied the privilege of accompanying her. There was a time when she would become sad and even cry at the thought of us being apart or taking separate vacations. Now, she's excited to do it. I'm going to miss her so terribly during those two weeks while she doesn't seem to mind. It's going to take some getting used to...

... not to mention the polyamory. She explained that it wasn't a license to sleep around, but rather the freedom to have an emotional and physical attraction should she ever find someone else that's truly special.

This is a difficult concept for me to accustom myself to. First off, my wife used to be a jealous and "needy" individual. This wasn't a problem, as I'm naturally supportive and don't keep much female company. However, having a significant other that was so insistent on monogamy further emboldened my idea of what a relationship should be.

Second, while I'm not necessarily opposed to the idea of her loving other women, I can't say the same when men enter the picture. Perhaps it's my Puritanical upbringing or some instinctive urge to be dominant and not have any competitors... but I don't like it. The thought of her being in another man's arms makes me uncomfortable. She knows this, and that's why she was extremely apprehensive to disclose it to me sooner. It took her being depressed hitting the brakes on our marriage for her to work up the courage to tell me. She didn't seem to mind the potential consequences if I took it badly.

For the sake of our marriage, I would give it a shot if she really wanted to. If I would lose her over the desire she has to be polyamorous anyway, then there's no point in not trying it. Currently, I'm very much eager to preserve our relationship because I truly adore her. I explained all of that to her and she was grateful, if not a little conflicted over how she feels as she's more or less prodding me to redefine my worldview.

I'm mostly doubtful that she would find another man that she likes, as she's always seemed like she gravitated more towards women. And, she still stresses that she currently has ZERO desire to pursue anyone romantically at the moment. She insists that there are no prospective individuals that she would want to be polyamorous with, and her trip abroad isn't to explore that.

So, presently the polyamory is purely hypothetical. I sensed that, as she's the type who likes to think out loud but not necessarily follow through with those thoughts. For the sake of maintaining our open line of communication and making her comfortable, I was a lot more accepting and understanding during that discussion than I typically would be. I feel as though it'll be easier for us to build our romance back up if she doesn't feel like she has to fight her thoughts and desires.

So, yeah... that's the current state of things. She seems to be more comfortable around me now and is a little more playful. Things are, as always, peaceful between us. It's just that now I'm carrying the sorrow of being without her for two weeks when she goes on her trip, and the emotional wound of her not seeing me as the end-all be-all of significant others.

Sigh.

To an extent. I'll still be working and I'll have all my hobbies... but those don't fill the void in my life like her company does. I lived the single man life before I met her, did whatever I wanted, and came out feeling empty. The world was just dull and gray. She's the one who brought color into it. Those two weeks are going to be so hollow...

I'll continue trying to find that happiness from within, but as far as I can tell it's just not there. As far back as I can remember I've always had that void. I derive satisfaction from hobbies and interaction with friends, but it's all fleeting. It doesn't provide a sense of purpose. While I know that a relationship isn't necessary to validate my existence as a dignified and productive human being, it's still the only thing which has actually given me that feeling. It's an existential problem, I guess?

I know that it's unhealthy to tether my fulfillment in life to another person, but I just don't know how to change that. I've been going out more and trying to pursue some personal goals, but it feels like fitting a square peg in a round hole. It's just not what I ultimately want.

I've almost gotten used to the arrangement that I have with my wife now. It's bewildering to come to that point, but at least I've lost that sense of urgency for things to go back to the way they were. I'm just waiting for that appointment next Friday.

I think the hard part about my wife traveling abroad is that I fear the weeks leading up to it will in the fashion of the past month: emotional distance, little time together, and that overall sense of loneliness despite being in the presence of another person. It feels like the time we spend together now "doesn't count". It's awkward and strained. It leaves me wanting more. I'm afraid that we won't have any quality moments before she goes away. That will just make her absence harder to bear.

I appreciate the responses. Thank you.