Never Ending!!

Good Day to all.  Long story short, I got married 10 years ago when I was 24 to a woman who hid her depression/anxiety long enough for us to tie the knot.  Shortly after marriage the woman that I fell in love with vanished and a person who I didn't know emerged.  She was very mean to me, and at that young age and inexperiance, I thought thats how wives acted until her actions started to change me.  She has been on meds for 4years and they just make things worse.  Oh I must that she does work and makes great money. (what ever thats worth)

I am tired of feeling like I don't matter to her.  My stupid brain and heart keeps trying to hold on to a woman who only comes out once in a while.  I am great looking, slim fit body, exellent father and mother and wife(sad but funny lol) and in the best shape of my life and I feel so bad inside.  She acts out which I can deal with but the lack of emotion or empathy for myself and my 6 and one year old has taking its toll on me. 1 good week, 4 bad weeks to follow. 

Part of me says I am done with this I am too young and never had a non depressed adult relationship, me and my babies can do much better own our own because the kids wont be yelled at for being kids.  My 6 year old has severe behavior issues and I think has depression.  She has the greatest life in the world and wakes up every day crying for anything she can cry for with no mommy to hug her and tell its ok.  No thats my job to love, bathe, more love, showers, late night bottles, telling kids that they are amazing while mommy is room.   

The other part feels enormous guilt because she has a serious illness and I know I make her depression worse.  But then I think wait,  Every one at work you hate but treat great and give great energy too.  Then come home to the man who does all for you and nothing.

I just wanted to be around some one that enjoys me.  I am sorry that my post is all over the place but its hard typing about how crapty things are. 

Thanks for reading.

 

Your marriage and wife reminds me of my past situation.

You say,

"I got married 10 years ago when I was 24 to a woman who hid her depression/anxiety long enough for us to tie the knot. Shortly after marriage the woman that I fell in love with vanished and a person who I didn't know emerged. She was very mean to me,"

It took a long time, but I came across an account of a personality disorder which I realized matched my wife perfectly.

It was Borderline Personality Disorder, which occurs mostly with females who have had trauma, usually sexual abuse as a child.

As I read the description, I realized more and more that it fit my wife and explained her actions. The account said that the trauma can divide their ego, with they themselves on one side, with the trauma pushed to the other side, with a wall in between.

So your wife was not hiding her anxiety and depression as much as she was hiding the fact that she is like two people, one an emotional 5 or 10 year old, or whenever the abuse occurred, and the other an adult in age but operating without the usual set of emotions; or, an emotional 5 or 10 year old, in an adult's body.

You said, "Shortly after marriage the woman that I fell in love with vanished and a person who I didn't know emerged."

So, she's two different people, from the trauma.

Has she ever told you she was sexually abused? Maybe just a hint, like, "Oh, I don't really remember what happened that day, but I know I was on longer allowed to stay there." Something kinda vague, kinda specific, but you haven't put a lot of import on it because she's only brushed over it once or twice in the last 5 years.

You said, "She was very mean to me"

Pathological anger from the abuse. Let me take a wild guess. It was a male who abused her. Let me take another wild guess: you're a male. Uh, oh. You live in the same house. Uh, oh. You're legally tied to her. Uh, oh. You have joint property together, you're buying a house or a car. Uh, oh. You're buying a house together. Uh, oh.

This is perfect. For her. It means she can treat you like a dog, and does, and you can't move an inch, because of legal and financial connections, too bad. You can't move an inch, just like she couldn't move an inch because that guy was banging her head up against the headboard that day when she was five or 10.

She's not mad at you, she's trying to destroy that guy who did that when she unable to defend herself, or nobody had taught her to, and now that she can defend herself, she can't attack that guy, but she can come after you, since you are legally tied to her and can't escape, just like she couldn't that day.

That's why she treated you like an angel before you were married, and a dog right afterwards. She needed your money, hello! She needed the prestige of being a married woman in the community. Hello!

If she treated you like a dog prior to marriage, you may not have married her. Hello!

Well, we've got one chance in heck here. I've got my fingers crossed on this one. We're gonna give you one chance in heck.

Oh, no, no! Fred! Fred! I just reread you post, the 10-year married was bad enough. But then you added this:

"She acts out which I can deal with but the lack of emotion or empathy for myself and my 6 and one year old has taking its toll on me. 1 good week, 4 bad weeks to follow."

No, that one was too much even for me. Fred. Oh, gosh, I'm about to shed a tear on this one. A child. Fred, I love it! Fred, look at the bright side, she's brilliant. Come on, Fred. Be positive. You married the most brilliant woman on your side of town. Take pride in that.

You idiot! I can't help it Fred. I can hold it back so long. You remind me of this guy so many years ago whose first few years of marriage was bliss, and then, Fred, then what happened. They were blessed with child. Oh, Fred, so happy! Maybe.

And then the carpet bombing began. It's just a guess. Fred, relax, I'm just surmising here, maybe living back a few memories. Maybe like 19 years of memories, all bad.

Fred, for you, I was holding out hope. No kids. Oh, please. I already knew what I was going to say "Walk, Fred, walk." Or maybe, "Run, Fred, Run!"

Anyway, I was going to get you out of that one. Too late. Hey, fair and square, she whipped your rear-end.

What can I say? You lost. She lost when she was 5 or 10, you lost now, hey, it evens out.

At 13, our kid found out what was going on, and his life was affected, we'll say. He pulled out of it.

All of this is opinion and from past experience. Try to stay as positive as you can.

Original Poster- I do feel for you--a rough marriage is no fun. I do hope you pursue some relationship counseling, and if the situation warrants it, a mediator. As the old saying goes--it takes two. You mention your wife is on meds--does she see a therapist? Do you? You seem unhappy yourself and a therapist can help you with coping techniques and insights from a neutral party.

Folks--let's not project our own history on others, our anger at mistreatment, and not make our own biases apply to some other relationship. As we all know--relationships are hard--and sometimes they turn out really badly. But sometimes, they can be saved. I often say that we all have to learn how to be a decent human being by practicing on other people.

This is what it took from the posts,

Verbal abuse is not acceptable under any conditions. Let alone abuse of any other nature.

Depression, anxiety whatever, does NOT give people a free ride to insult, demean and/or take their aggression out on another person.

Medication or not. We are all responsible for our own actions. Period.

This includes our actions to our spouses to create a good relationship and environment and home for children.

I have edited this post, do to a friends reminder of empathy, which life has left me short of lately. I apologize Iamdone.

Perhaps couples therapy if it can be managed will be of help.

I wish the best for you in this situation.

Peace and strength
Trina

Myself, you are correct on all points.

I was thinking of deleting that post, but I thought, on the rare time the hard line is needed.

Heard this in group. Does not apply in the virtual world though.

I am a wreck myself with anger and rage and oh look the sun is out.

So yes I stand corrected and humbled.

Iamdone,

others on this forum, gave much more healthy advice and I would re read their posts.

Thank you Myself for calling me to task. We all need it once and a while.

Peace
Trina

I realized when someone is suffering from major depression, there really isn't much that can be done to help without sacrificing even more that what I have.

I am dissappointed in myself for alowing this to happend to me. Yeah I was 23-24 but I should have known better and should have paid more attention to her family life. Unless I can get sole custody of my babies I will stay and keep them happy as much as I can.

Thanks for reading.

I am sorry if I offended anyone with my comments. I Alot of typing gets done with tears in my eyes but today is a better day. For those who suffer from this, I wish you inner peace and happyness.