new here, lost, alone.

not sure if this is the place for it, others have more things going on with their lives, but i need to get this out. wife kicked me out of the apartment for the >10th time this year. not that i didnt make mistakes during many of those occasions, maybe i deserved it. back to my mothers apartment. extremely depressed then and now, eventually would beg her to take my back. this time she had me take all my stuff. so, i guess shes going to divorce me for real. problem is i do love her, at least in my own heart, perhaps not the way she needs.

hearts been pounding, waking up with anxiety attacks. checked out of work, barely able to make it in. work at a place where im still kind of learning my job, i know what im doing will hurt my career, which i already feel insecure about. really scared, but cant even bring myself to do the bare minimum.

i hate being back at my moms. she doesnt care about my marriage, my parents are dysfunctional enough to be divorced and never remarry to anyone else after 20 years. my dad, preaches, but is a pitiful and selfish ass who is depressing to even see or be around. i blame them now, i never saw what the right way to be was, they didnt even try to grow and help.

my friends, dont understand. try to talk, we end up getting drunk, i go on about random crap that doesnt matter trying to forget the misery. hate who ive become, probably just like my dad. dont think the friends are sick of me yet but, wouldnt be surprised if its coming.

wife hates my friends and family. didnt feel comfortable talking to them while with her, thats probably my fault for being weak. she convinced me that her family was my own. i grew up alone, shy and lonely, so siblings, no close family. at 30, i finally felt like i had a family, caring about each other, and involved, even when dysfunctional, at least people cared about each other. sometimes i suspected they didnt really care about me, but they did it for her. either way, now, theres nothing again.

tried to exercise, read, play games, went to church, tried to meditate, dont feel like i have the strength to let the anguish set in. feel too weak for this. sorry for the rant, needed it put this down somewhere.

Welcome to the forum Todayishard.

I hope you can continue on with your life despite what is going on. I know it is hard. Start fresh if you can. It helps.

Continue with the coping skills, even if it is hard to do now. The meditation and mindfulness really help a lot. Try not to drink alcohol. It only makes things worse.

I hope you continue to post. And I hope things get better soon. One day at a time.

Hugs, Karen...

Welcome the forum

The first thing I will suggest is that you stop drinking. Alcohol is a depressant that will everything seem 10 times worse than it really is.

You need to work on yourself and means get to you family doctor, talk 100% about how your inside.

Might have to get on some meds, see a psychiatrist

Find a depression support group.

At the top of this forum you will find a resource thread with tons of information for help, 5 or 6 pages

Keep posting we are here to listen and support the best we can.

Peace and strength
Trina

Meh, you're not the loser you think you are, you're just another divorced dude. Remember, 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce - if you're standing beside a bunch of people, and look at the guy on your left and he's not divorced, then you probably are.

We all get as many chances in life as we need. Your old world might be ending, but your new world is just beginning. Quit getting drunk and feeling sorry for yourself and go out and make a change in the world. Do something nice for a neighbor, adopt a cat, work harder at your job than you've ever worked before, hike the Pacific Crest Trail, or make a gourmet meal for your parents. Or do all of that. Just. Do. Something. Different.

I dunno if you'll be back, or if you're a drive-by-poster, but either way I wish you tons of luck becoming the new you.