Yo-Yo

If you're at home, go beat the living crap out of a couple of pillows and yell at the top of your voice.

If you're at work, go beat the living crap out of your least favorite coworker, and yell at the top of your voice.

If you're driving, what the hell are you doing reading my post? ;-)

Seriously though, do something active - you'll feel better.

F27, Wow! You made me cry and laugh (out loud) all at the same time. I needed that; thank you!
By the way, I would get fired if I did do that lol and I'm not driving; never drive and be on the phone :)


supapfunk, I haven't seen my therapist in about 2 months. We never did talk about what is happening to me right now, she wanted to start from the "beginning" so we've only talked about my past. I haven't gone to see her though, no money for that :( I have tons of bills/debt due to this. They gave me depression pills at the beginning, I refuse to take them. They make me feel yuky and they can be "addicting" so, no!
I keep a journal, usually makes me feel good to let it out there when I cant connect here, but I haven't written in there in a while too, I just dont have the desire to.
I'm going back to boxing, maybe that'll help.

Thank you guys!!

getting by,
That is exactly what my supervisor says...well why not? Doesn't mean we are bad people or we are "paying" for something, just look for the lesson in it. It is hard though, to see the positive in it or learn the lesson taught when you feel like dying. And yes, I am great-full for everything and everyONE I have in my life. That, honestly, is the only thing to keep me going even in my worse days. I have a lot of toddlers in my family, they need to know who I am, I need and want to be part of their lives. I have nieces and nephews that look up to me (still) and I cant teach them to give up; I am a newlywed too, I have a husband I love dearly and I want a family with so I will not give up, but like everything, there's always a bad to a good (or a good to a bad, however you want to look at it).
Mindful.org was a very helpful website... I have it saved on my favorites tab.
I'll send my therapist an email...maybe just chit chat a bit about the "now". Thank you for the extra nudge.

@cookiesk9 - You'll only get fired if you get caught.

Have a funner evening. :)

I discovered many years ago that "Why me?" was a very dangerous question for me. It lead me down a path of darkness and depression to almost the very deepest darkest bottom and the very end. I decided then and there that asking, "Why me?" is simply a question I cannot afford. Like an alcoholic walking into a bar in early sobriety - a risk they can simply not afford if they wish to maintain sobriety. I cannot afford that question if I wish to maintain life.

So I simply decided not to ask that question. I know that sounds strangely simplistic, but YOU are the one in control of your mind and where it goes. Do you like where that question leads you? Obviously not, so ask questions that are more helpful.

Questions like, What next? What can I do next that will help me? Or help others? What can I do in the next 5 minutes to change my attitude? Or clean up my house? Or help myself be healthier?

I decided against "Why me?" in my mid-twenties, after years of depression, after growing up with a very ill mother and a very emotionally unavailable father. Started asking, "Why Mom?" at about 8 years old. The decision to STOP has served me well these many years, especially when I was diagnosed with Lupus in my early 40's and lost my career, my passion, my reason.

Instead I said, "What next?" Whether said in exasperation, or as a serious question, it lead me thru the tangle of Drs, treatments, disability paperwork, etc, etc. What can I do today? Today, at 58, I can help others. I can focus on the good rather than the bad. I can control my thoughts.

Obviously, that doesn't mean my depression or other issues are gone. Some days I'd rather hide in the back of the closet. But eventually I get bored there and come back out and try again.

Hope that helps at least a tiny bit.
Lynnwood

cookies,

I did the why for 3.5 years. even after owning my abuse and diagnosis's

Then, I started a gratitude journal suggested by a smart kind, gentle man.

It was hard in the beginning. anything he said just start.... ok
first day: toilet paper... think about that for a moment.
1/3 or more of the world does not have it.
2nd day: no one is stalking me
3rd day: I can walk
You can the picture.

Now I write my gratitudes in my daily journal. On awful days, like today for you.
I fill a page of things I think of, squeezing things into the margins, in between lines....

Suffering gives us strength. There is a reason that we may not realize for years. I can say, it gives a person compassion and empathy, sometimes tolerance.

Creativeness comes from suffering, I now do art. I can not say I am an artist, other people say I am. All I know is I let the brush and the paint move on the canvas an my emotions pour down my arm though them onto the canvas. It is very comforting.

Look into Trauma Art Therapy on line. Tons of good information. I have 2 books on it. Get creative, face that monster, and get it out!

You are strong and a good person.

Peace
Trina