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Posted 12/14/2016 4:38 AM (GMT 0)
Not sure I ever posted at this forum before or not. Have been at HW since 2008, mostly in the Prostate Cancer group, with over 25,000 posts. I am still dealing with metastatic prostate cancer which is no longer curable for me.

A few months ago, I was dx. with moderate PTSD, which has since been upgrade to severe PTSD, and separately, was dx. with "double depression". It has already been re-classed as med-resistent, which is making it harder to treat.

I am being treated for both, separately, with the VA. The PTSD is complicated as it is a combination of childhood abuse, being in Viet-Nam, and 8 years of trauma from chronic pain and medical trauma for all I have been through.

Right now, they are trying me on Lithium, and I am having a hard time getting use to it. I already had hand tremors prior, and it is so much worse on the Lithium. Is this common, and will it go away or improve?

At one point, they wanted me to volunteer to be in-patient for a few weeks, I haven't made a decision. And more recently, they want me to undergo ECT, at least 12 sessions.

It's very confusing to know what to do at this point. They are very worried that I might go over the edge, pretty sure I can use the "s" word here. I think about it often.

I had never heard of double-depression before, but it really makes sense in my case, as I was in a depressed state for so many years, that it was my normal reality, then some major depressive events got thrown in on top of that, and I feel totally overloaded.

Need some help for sure, not sure what path to take at this point.

Thanks for listening
Posted 12/14/2016 5:08 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear that, Purgatory. Very hard indeed. I hope you are spending lots of quality time with friends and family. I lost three grandparents to cancer, so I know what a son of a b---- that disease is.

I know how you feel about depression, too. I'm often feeling flushed, drained, bored, you name it, and like there is no hope left. Some days, I just feel like there is no point to trying anymore. The darn thing never stays gone for long (the depression). Sometimes, we're so chirpy and then without warning, it just comes back for no apparent reason.

I've had bouts of PTSD myself, due to how I got massively mistreated, so I know how you feel about past abuse coming back to haunt you. But not having the confidence to overcome the past or beat my anxiety means I ended up stuck, and no-one can really say to 'just get over it' either, because that ain't gonna happen.

I also hate having a panic disorder. Once you have a panic attack, it apparently changes all your chemical receptors or something, so your brain ends up in a constant state of fear. Without taken anti-anxiety drugs, you're never gonna overcome it that easily, and I think depression acts as a trigger as well. I'm no longer a confident or happy person, but I want to be. But anxiety is so bad for me. It also doesn't help that we have all this constant stress to deal with, and no ready solution. Personally, I don't always find the medical profession helpful.

But I find the members here to be largely sympathetic, which is nice. I've been on some other forums and the people posting there were just being jerks that did not make me feel like I contributed anything to mankind. Nobody needs that.
Posted 12/14/2016 8:51 AM (GMT 0)
hi purgatory. i have a hormonal condition, due to testicular issue at birth, and have recently had extensive testing for pc. i have had ect, and when we get to the at risk stage you are at, then i advocate strongly that you consider it. it is by no means a cure, but will assist in breaking down the resistant nature your brain is in. fires up the synapses. i have had 1 course, which is six, it saved my life, i stopped attempts and was able to re-introduce medication again. ok, some short term memory loss is well known, it comes back. it all can be done is a psych hospital, which i feel would be the best avenue for you right now. give yourself the time to get at a better place in ya head. i send many healing thoughts to you.
Posted 12/14/2016 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi David,

Sorry to hear how all this depression stuff is coming up and piling up on you.

Take Turtles advice, I've been hanging around the depression forum for quite a while and I know he is a smart fellow and if he says ECT helped him I certainly think you should give it a try.

Hang in there, my friend. Gentle hugs.
Lynnwood
Posted 12/15/2016 2:44 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks to you all that have responded so far. Appreciate your kindness and advice.

And Lynn, fancy meeting you here, lol. I should have come here a long time ago.

Had another 1 1/2 hour session with my VA therapist today on the PTSD front. These are hard sessions to endure. Sometimes, I want to get up and leave in the middle, but I don't, as I really need the help.
Posted 12/16/2016 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
When we want to get up and run from our work, is when we need to stay and face the MONSTERS!

Glad to here you stay. This is the courage that few people understand and even fewer people can face.

You are a warrior!

Peace and strenght, healing
Trina
Posted 12/16/2016 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
Proud of you Purgatory for staying.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/17/2016 2:19 AM (GMT 0)
strong work on staying. this is the hardest part of the work. it gets better, am proud of ya too.
Posted 12/17/2016 12:39 PM (GMT 0)
P,
How are you today? Staying strong I hope.

I am on my laptop to today. So I am able to give you some links to what I have found to be helpful in dark suicidal moments.

We can say the word, say we have ideations, to obtain support. However, we can not go into details as it is triggering and could snowball to other members.

You do have the option of emailing other members, and MODS for more detailed chats.
If you click on the member ID, the email is in the upper right corner.

www.mindful.org/learning-meditate-difficulty/

the first line of following link is can be TRIGGERING int as the word GUN in it. DO NOT READ if this word is a trigger for you. It is only one line, still caution is warranted depending on emotional status.

www.mindful.org/stop-negative-thoughts-from-getting-you-down/

www.mindful.org/4-ways-curb-panic-attack/

I hope these are some help to you.
Peace
Trina
Posted 1/1/2017 2:12 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Purgatory (David?) I hope that by now you are on the path to getting the right help. I feel for you.

Post Edited (breathing) : 1/1/2017 7:15:49 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/1/2017 2:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Breathing,

Welcome to the forum!

Hugs, Karen...
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