Reliving for the first time the horrid dream. Why? I don't know

I've been reading nevergetseasyx's posts and they threw me into the darkest part of my life that I try to hard to put in the back of my mind. I don't want her to wake up one day at 36 and still have nightmares,or not be able to stand some smells because they bring back the horrid memories. Or have a desire to confront the person that hurt her so many years ago. I became obsessed with protecting my kids,mostly my daughter who is now 18 and has her first boyfriend. I blame that on myself as I know I made her not trust boys.
I'm going to tell you my story,and what little I've done to get revenge on the man that hurt me:
I was 12,my mom needed a babysitter and somehow connected with a man she used to date. He lived with his mom (as I write I realize how many signs were there for him being a sexual predator but nobody saw or did anything)
At first it was great,I didn't have anything to do with my dad,and this man stepped in. Buying me clothes,taking me places,giving me money. Doing things together that I thought a dad did. I loved his mom,she was so sweet. But very sick with cancer. I helped take care of her,bathing her,helping her eat,brushing her hair and singing to her.
At night I would lay on the couch next to her bed and listen to her pray.She would pray to die,not being able to take the pain anymore.And she would always pray for me. Asking God to protect me. To this day I think she knew something about her son,but was to sick to do anything about it.
It started after she died.
He would touch me in bad places,then make me get on my knees and pray. He made me go to church twice a week,and then to bible study once a week.
To this day I do not go to church.
The first time he touched me,my little brother was laying in the bed across the room. He was 6. This man told me that if I ever told anyone he would do the same to my brother as he was going to do to me,and he would kill my mom. I never told a sole. Believing every word he said. In my mind he was the devil,and if the devil could do such bad things to me then he could surely do those things to my family. I vowed I would never let him hurt them.
Once he thought I was "old enough" he did the most hurtful thing in the world. I remember screaming so loud and so much that I was sure someone would hear me. No one came.
He started giving me drugs,letting me have parties. I was always high. Always had money in my pocket for more drugs. He loved when I had parties. I soon got smart and realized that he wanted my friends over to try to hurt them too. I became very protective of my best friend,not letting her be alone with him. But to afraid to tell. I lost that best friend,and I still think it is because he hurt her,or tried to hurt her too.
There was a boy across the street,who I had always "admired" from afar. I am not sure if his family suspected something from all of the teenage kids coming in and out or what,but he tried to become my friend. And one night he came over to talk and asked me if something was going on,I didn't say a word just hugged him. I am sure I was so high that I probably couldn't even think of the words to say.
During this time, I started running away,doing drugs,skipping school. My mom should have known something was wrong as we had moved from a small town,and I was never like that.
How did I finally get away? I just woke up one morning and said that was it.
I went to his house that night with a few of my friends to get my clothes that I had left there,and we got into a huge fight,my best friend walked into the kitchen just in time to jump on him and hold him down for me to get away as he had a huge kitchen knife in his hand and was aiming for my face.
I never saw him again after that. I told my mom finally when I was 25. I guess I couldn't take the nightmares anymore. She cried,and said "I can't believe I didn't see",I felt like she was grieving for herself.
I wrote him a letter around that time,telling him what the after effect on what he did to me was. I told him that if God would forgive someone like that,and let them go to heaven then I wanted to be in hell.
A few years later there was a report about a young girl that had been molested in his area. I called the detective on the case and told them to check this man out and a little bit of why. I never heard anything more about it.
I'm sure now I'll start having the nightmares again. As this is the first time I've ever sat down and told anyone these things besides "----- hurt me when I was 12". It's hard to relive. And I would die if anyone I knew read this. But maybe this is part of the healing?
WOW,I can't believe I did this. Now wondering how long it will take me to hit submit.