Another rant thread!

I've not been posting on here in a while, as I was trying to focus on other things for a bit instead of always just complaining about all the same old crap, but I feel just the same as I did late last night.

This week, I had to see a psychologist twice as the court are still deferring the stupid case for to obtain reports and this is just boring now. I have court again a week from today. Even she agreed I needed support, but the million dollar question just got shoved in her face because she was like all the others, listening to little tiny bits of what I reiterated to her and then she was getting me to stay on topic because she had lots to cover, and I felt that as with most people, she was not really acknowledging much of what I was saying. When I was talking to her, I told her that I still love my ex despite the fact she used me, there was a support worker emailing me using a pseudonym, and the women I had for support might have overreacted. Etc.

Well, she was basically trying to find out if I was at a risk of offending again, since you know? The court care more about that stuff than actually helping me, although the help is really meant to come not from the court, but from social services, who as we have already established, are just idiots. I'm probably just going to have to find other ways to manage my anxiety if I still want to be a film extra, because I cannot see anyone lifting a finger here.

Anyway, you can probably imagine I was letting my belly ache as usual, going on and on about all the past BS that in my opinion, shouldn't have happened. Perhaps this is not wise, but I just cannot stand not receiving any support. But the raw reality is that all that stuff did happen, so here we are some 3 or so years later talking about it. I'm just not even bothered by this point if they send me to jail, because you know, I cannot see anything changing because as long as social services are leaving me out to dry, I'm going to remain stuck in this rut. I'm rather hoping something miraculous happens to change all of this, but I cannot see it.

So, I just basically told her that I want new male support workers because of having anxiety, and I told her the same old stories that I've told you guys and probably countless other people, that arranging this to happen has not been a doddle, because I suspect this social worker assigned to me just goes and contacts potential support agencies, telling them about all the charges I've accumulated, and so X, Y and Z are probably just pushing me to the side because I think most care companies don't employ that many men. Like, it's been, what? It has been 2 years since I met this guy, and in that time, he found me one agency with only 2 guys with fixed hours, and you know why I started calling them stool pigeons and stuff, but essentially we all know what they are like.

Of course, nobody can prove this sort of stuff happens as it goes on behind the scenes. I'm not even being paranoid like some people may be inclined to believe. It's just too obvious, because when I call them up, they all say they'll look into things, and then nobody gets back to me. At a push, you would expect to wait a maximum of a week or something for a call back. I'm all for giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, but weeks then turn to months, and you just have that gut feeling coming back (that something ain't right). You just somehow know you're being messed around.

So I call them back, the lady answers the phone, and she tells me to leave voicemail. And guess what? Nobody even gets back in touch. They are taken the biscuit here, so the cycle just keeps on repeating.

Let's not call names such as "fairies" and "Douche Bags". It isn't appropriate here on the forum.

It sounds like (again) you are suffering from things you have done in the past. It goes to show that the law doesn't forget easily. Whether it is relevant now or not, I don't know. I don't understand all of what is going on.

It might do you good to see a psychologist. Even if they are making you. It may do you some good in the long run.

I see you want to get back into acting. Have you even tried other things that might interest you? It sounds like you have reverted a bit and are going back to square one instead of moving forward. Remember the people on the acting scene weren't treating you so good. I, myself, wouldn't go back to that. But I am not you. I just don't want to see you go through anymore hurt.

The justice system is what it is. There are probably procedures to go through. I hope you aren't contacting any of the people who have caused you grief. That is just a road to nowhere.

Try not to rant. Try to get a grip on the anger. There is more than one way to skin a cat, and I believe you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. Try to be nice to people. Try to show some respect to the people in the courts.

Why didn't you answer when she asked you if you had been trying to contact those people? Had you? You really should let that go. It is only causing more harm to you than good.

We care about you here Peter, and want to see you be able to move forward with your life. Take a deep breath and start fresh. Appreciate the little things in life. Enjoy the wonders of this earth.

I hope that things get better soon...

I am glad to hear that. You need support and will get it. Like I say, the members here care about you. Sometimes other people can have a more objective view on things that the person going through it. Listen to what they say. F27 and NCOT give you very good advice.

I hope that things get better or at least manageable.

The psychologist was actually asking me why I like those people if they wronged me, and I don't know how to answer these kind of questions. Thinking back on the ordeal, what good did these people ever do me? Why are they still in high regard to me?

Maybe it's because they provided a bit of attention right at the beginning of our association, and then it was just going OK at first. So I keep identifying them with 5 minutes of niceness. When something bad does happen somewhere down the line, I guess the rest of what followed may have been deliberately fueled by myself due to my subsequent need for "answers" but I also think if I had a healthy sense of boundaries, the using tactics and recurring disasters could have been reduced, or even totally avoided.

Like, say you went on a dinner date (which is normal enough) and the girl or guy wasn't treating you right. A foolish thing to do would be to reward that person with gifts and love when you next see him or her, if they were just knowingly taken advantage, so I think that's part of my problem. You have to know when something like that is an obvious deliberation. So if a person was using you, why would you want to be used even more?

Well, in my case, I just didn't want to be lonely, but I got used, abandoned by people, and now I'm alone anyway. So I could have just finished with the people that wronged me in the beginning, and moved on. Instead of actually leaving well enough alone, I was caught up in my own emotions, thinking these people were my whole life and they might give a darn if I found a way to make them give a darn. Which in of itself is very unhealthy, and maybe I watch too many movies. Get the drift?

I cannot help but feel I don't have a healthy sense of dignity.

Peter, you tell people stuff that simply isn't appropriate for everyday conversation, particularly for people whom you don't even know. I also saw your locked thread before it got deleted and wasn't impressed with your attitude. The fault wasn't with the woman; it was with you for overstepping your boundaries and then denigrating her for it - a lesson you think you might have learnt by now.

Anyway, I'm sort of done because I dunno how many times I can keep on saying the same thing.

Maybe thinking about how what you are saying is going to effect others would help. Plus reading the rules of the forum. The forum is family friendly. No politics, no religion. We stay off heated topics. No flaming other people. In other words don't insult others or call names. And that means people off the forum too. People you know. Not to talk like that on here. Staying on topic of depression and try to work on your depression. This is a depression forum so that is what we generally talk about except on the Daily Check In Thread. We spread it out a bit there.

I think writing a list would help. Maybe write down the forum rules too.

Best wishes

Peter, like NCOT I am about done.

And this takes a lot for me.

You must put space between your actions and blaming other people.

If you are getting the same answer from the social worker perhaps, you need to change what you are doing or take their advice.

We are all adults, regardless of diagnosis. As adults we are responsible for our actions and reactions to other people. You know the difference between right and wrong.

Peace
Trina

Peter,

NCOT has helped you immensely from the beginning of you coming here. Why did you not even acknowledge her post? If people were to say that they were going to give up on me, I would at least acknowledge the fact that at one point they cared. And it takes a lot for somebody here to put that out there.

You don't seem to want to help yourself. You expect everybody to do that for you. Just a little taste of gratification of a job well done or any type of accomplishment I think would help you to feel good.

I was always told to take care of myself because nobody is going to do it for me. I think you should start doing things for yourself, look at things in other people's perspective. Think about how the other person feels, put yourself in their shoes.

I don't mean to sound harsh either. But it is obvious that you don't look at things from different points of view or even care how you are making another person feel. You aren't going to get anywhere living like this. Doing kind things for other people makes us feel good. Being kind, and trying to understand them.

I hope you learn before it is too late. You are young, so there is hope. Quit repeating the same mistakes, learn... Nobody is perfect, life isn't perfect. We have to learn to accept things that are less than perfect for us.

That isn't even the point Peter. And stop calling me "dude". Sorry, but you just don't get it.

Dude
Your rude to most people,and you wonder why you're having problems

Bnotafraid
Well said and so true

Peter - As somebody who was on the receiving end of my dad's temper and obsessiveness for most of my life, trust me when I say it is absolutely no fun to be at the receiving end of somebody else's rage and obsessiveness. You expect endless allowances to be made for you, but make no allowances for anyone else's emotions.

I'm sorry, I'm autistic too (I got an official diagnosis of ASD two years ago on the NHS, so it's not just me reading a few articles on the internet and diagnosing myself with autism). And autism isn't - or shouldn't be at any rate - a free pass to behave like a d***head. Yes, people in positions of power are often horrible and many other words which I can't freely post here. Yes, many mental health professionals aren't nearly as understanding as they should be. You're NOT the only person who has to deal with all that sh!t, autism or otherwise.

Even my clueless aspie friend has somehow manage to go 64 years without ending up in jail. He's been homeless, he's been robbed, he's been used, and god knows what else, but he hasn't been in jail. I'm not saying this to make you out to be some sort of monster, because I wouldn't be talking to you if I thought you were. But it's actually quite hard to end up in jail. You didn't end up there solely because all these horrid, nasty NTs had it in for you. I am guessing that as well as stalking and harrassing women, you simply refused to cooperate or show empathy towards anyone except yourself.

As for your sister's bowel problems, I know about those. What are her symptoms? A camera down the throat is to check for problems in the stomach or duodenum. If issues were suspected at the other end, she would have a colonoscopy. Has she had any blood or stool tests done? Without knowing what your sister's symptoms are and what her history is, I can't say much else about that for now.

Keep trying to get through to Autism Initiatives. It's rather bad that nobody answers the phone. Do they have an email address? Can you go and see them in person?

I think you're giving all of these organisations way too much credit. The left hand never knows what the right hand is doing normally. I highly doubt they're coordinated enough to be passing your name around to each other and blackballing you. The treatment you've described has happened to me as well: people have not gotten back to me, I have been dropped without explanation, etc. From my limited dealings with mental health charities I haven't been impressed with them. They are either incompetent, don't have a fraction of the resources they need to truly help people, or both.

All you can do is keep on bidding. I'm certainly not unsympathetic there. Speak to somebody at the council and see if you can be made exempt from bidding on high-rise properties (I've never heard of such a rule before; I'll have to ask my brother about it - he's been on a lot of HA bidding lists :/). If the worst comes to the worst, you'll have to take a place wherever, but it may not be all that bad. I had a couple of junkies living next to me for a while but they never bothered me and vice versa. Frankly as long as my neighbours are quiet I don't care what they do within their own 4 walls.

Hope4all, it's called 'another rant thread'. Don't post if it bugs you.