Hello Everyone,
Sorry this is sooooo long and Thank you to any and everyone that reads this.
Not sure why am I writing this or even why I joined this website. I am just at the end of my rope. My life is so complicated and so insane that I generally try to down play it. Or at least I did when I had a life. I guess I should start at the beginning but I feel like my post will be to long but since this may be my only one why not. I'm 34 and female. Up until almost two years ago I was pretty independent. Due to my mother deciding when I was around 15 she no longer wanted to work to take car of my sibling and I and a "father" who will acknowledge his other kids but not you. I had trouble with depression at a young age and left school at the end of 9th grade. By the time I got a little better I realized at 17 if I wanted to eat and by clothes I would need a job. So I worked instead of going back to school, while my family slept on the floor of the family members. At 19 I was talked into renting a place with my sibling with our mother (who still wasn't working). I went hoping if I worked hard enough things would work out.
I got my GED and continue to go from cleaning houses to cashier to bank tell to a pretty decent job a few years later. All the while being the sole responsible adult in our household. My mother did nothing but lay around a lie to me about
how she couldn't fine a job, how hard she was trying all the while trying to control me. My sister did whatever the hell she wanted. While I constantly kept track of (and worried over) the bills, needing to CONSTANTLY remind my sister when things were due. Finally after a few years of this I had enough and said I was moving. I found an apartment and everything only to come home to be told my mother was having a baby (literally right then) Sounds like a TV soap, I know. That's when I made the biggest mistake of my LIFE and will ALWAYS regret!!!! I stayed.
I should have left but that night my brother was born and I honestly couldn't do it. I knew she wouldn't take care of him and I couldn't bare the thought of him growing up the way I had ( with no one to depend on) It broke me. I thought maybe now she could really get help. Maybe now she'll do right by him even though she hadn't for me. Only that didn't happen. Years passed and people joked that we were too close. That I was more like his mom. Like it was intentional. I had no choice she still refused to get a job. Still refused to take care of him financially (OR make his father for that matter). When he was a few years old I had it an my sister and I (Another mistake) told her we were moving and getting a place. she tried to threaten to take my brother away but we moved anyway. She literally stayed in the house till the landlord forced her to get out. She lied to everyone saying we never told her. She ended in a motel and I would get my brother on the weekends so he could have some semblance of normal. She ended up with a relative even though I told her not to do it. They didn't really get along (My moms fault) despite having nothing she talks about
everyone and everything and treats like garbage to feel better. Any way I had enough living with my sister and we were getting out own places but before that my mom comes to visit while I'm out with a friend, next thing I know I am getting a cell call from the relative saying my mom can't come back and to come get her things or else they will be out for trash.
So I am again stuck with taking care of my mother. By then I had started college and between that and working full time I was only home the weekends and a couple night, those I spent with my brother. Around this time I started getting sick and feeling run down and in pain. I thought I was just doing to much on top of going to the gym almost every morning. I kept it up though because even with all the drama I felt happy for the first time in my life. I LOVED going to college even if it was only at night. I felt like I could be proud of myself and then BAM! Enter brick wall. All of a sudden I couldn't get out of bed, Everything hurt. I couldn't remember things couldn't stay awake and my muscles hurt constantly. I was told it was depression put on pills but still had all the aches and pains. Went from doctor to doctor and got worse and worse. Barely keeping my job. Finally (a few YEARS later) I diagnosed with Lyme Disease. I thought all my troubles were over. I started feeling better and I was for awhile but several months later it started all over n I was out again. Eventually constant pain and exhaustion became my new normal and I just tried to live with it and to some degree it worked.
I realized I needed to get away from my mother and began saving towards my dream of having my own home. I eventually was able to accomplish that and left my apartment to my mother along with everything in it. For a short period of time I was actually happy (still sick but happy) I still took care of my brother and saw him every weekend,. While my mother complained to whoever would listen that I just once again up and left to live in a big house by myself. Then I get a call (while in bed sick) from my sister that the sheriffs department had kicked my mother and brother out and she doesn't know what to do. I told her to handle it for once and that I had done enough. To take her to social services to get assistance and that I would take my brother. All I remember after that was hearing my door
open and my sister come to my room to tell me that she doesn't know what to do and that she doesn't have room at her house (yes house, also) and that my mother is downstairs then turns around and leaves. SOOOO my dream of being free of having my on home had turned into a nightmare.
For the past almost four years I have had her and my brother living with me. Now instead of my taking care of myself I am now responsible for feeding and clothing all of us with NO help ( still refused to get child support) complained about
everything from his new school to my neighborhood to my dog! Then I ended having to get custody when she finally did try to apply. I had tried to make her leave but SURPRISE on me in order to do that I have to take her to court to force her to leave!!!!! Did I mention I am still sick from all this, health is failing (already had to have a PICC line the last time I was sick) now I am suppose to file court papers ***! So that never happened and I got sicker and more depressed. Then it hits another brick wall only this time 10 times worse. I cant get outta bed, cant focus, memory is shot.I can't even drive anymore! I go out on leave from my job, I honestly don't remember anything that happened for those six months. My jobs says quit or come back but how can I go back when I can't focus or stay awake to hold a conversation. My doctor tells me that resigning from my job of 11 years is the right thing to do I will get disability, have time to focus on my health. Only that hasn't happened and since I'm the one responsible for everything when I broke down my mother didn't pick up the slack and with no disability (Denied) I can no longer pay my mortgage.
Now I am due to lose my home as soon as the bank finds a buyer I have debt on top of dept because even though I was sick NO ONE not my sister, Friends or the relatives I helped when they needed it stepped up to help me. Now I have lost EVERYTHING. I still can't get out of bed. I was in a complete fog for half of 2015 2016 and honestly barely remember it. for the last six months I haven't even left my bedroom. I cry every morning when I wake up and cry myself to sleep at night. I cant watch any type of tv or even listen to music without getting upset or having an anxiety attack. I can't even read a book to try and escape anymore. Even trying to pretend for my brother doesn't work. I dont want him to think this is normal but I am so ashamed of the way my life has turned out and how I can no longer function that I often wonder would he be better off without seeing me like this even though I know even with my death my mother still wouldn't step up and be what he needs, But neither am I at this point.
I'm sorry that I basically just typed my life out for strangers but I needed for someone, anyone to just listen to the whole thing and not have to worry about
them looking at me like I have the plague and they need to escape asap. Or to turn what I have to say about
them. I worked so hard for so long to be someone my brother (and myself) could be proud of and now I feel like an utter failure.
Even if no one reads this at least I tried.
