My antidepressant has obviously stopped working...

I've had a checkered history with antidepressants, to put it mildly, but duloxetine (generic Cymbalta) has been the best one so far. Started it nearly a year ago and for several months I was doing better on it. I wasn't exactly delirously happy, but I was calmer, the depressing ruminative thoughts about being a failure disappeared, etc. However, I dunno whether life has just got worse and overwhelmed the positive effect of the med, or whether the med has simply stopped working, but my symptoms gradually came creeping back. At first it was just the occasional off day, or whatever, but then things really took a turn for the worse. I kinda don't want to give my life story, but I broke off contact with my mum and I fell out badly with my only local 'friend' (except he was never a friend really). The reason why I stopped seeing my mum was because I felt like she was putting me down for having the temerity to be depressed - I just couldn't face another derogatory sigh, eye-roll or resentful comment from her. I still feel mad thinking about it.

I'm from the UK and the social climate of the country is utterly depressing me at the moment. I obviously have no personal control over it, but that doesn't comfort me - in fact it depresses me even more.

Another thing which has been bothering the hell out of me are nightmares. All I seem to do is dream all night long, and never nice dreams either - they are either uneasy and disturbing or they are actual proper nightmares in the sense of experiencing terror. I would take anything which prevented dreams from happening.

A couple of days ago I stopped the duloxetine. Bit of a risk but I would have gone back on it the next day if I had felt dramatically worse. But so far I haven't; in fact I have felt better (might just be coincidence though; I have horrible low spells interspersed with periods of feeling more normal). Anyway, I've been discharged recently from psychological services (thanks, Tories, for cutting every service for mentally ill people to the bone), but I have since managed to get a one-off appointment in June. I will complain about the discharge, but that's another issue. In the meantime I need to sort my psychiatric treatment out.

I've written all this and now I dunno what to ask. I've tried almost every mainstream antidepressant and a few not-so-mainstream ones. I'd ask for suggestions, but there just aren't that many ADs: the vast majority target the same 2 or 3 neurotransmitters.

Have you ever had an antidepressant stop working for you eventually? If so, what did you do about it?

PS: I can't obtain, or afford, therapy. I'm not against therapy - in fact I would like to give it a go - but I'm on benefits and there is absolutely no way I can afford it, particularly as I've had one benefit stopped (thanks Tories! Because obviously poor and/or disabled people on benefits have way too much disposable income and need to be relieved of it so you can fund Trident/Brexit/embarrassing U-turns on social care policies for pensioners).

hi. cymbalta a no no for cold turkey.......does ya head in. maybe maintance ECT might be an option. not a course per-se. maybe 1 or two? it is good for re-firing those nuero transmitters and re-introduction of meds is usually better up-taken.

I'd stick with the Cymbalta.

ADs are all about controlling emotional bandwidth - they don't stop you from being sad, they just stop you from being holycrapImanaeataglockforlunch sad. You're right, in many ways it's all about derivatives of the same molecules doing the same stuff to the same neurotransmitters. You don't have the advantage of a boutique insurer to run you through the subtle differences of one ever-greened molecule after another. At least you know Cymbalta worked once. But if you've lost confidence in Cymbalta, I guess you could check out what other SNRIs are available to you.

H&S&S

I take Melatonin from the health food store or net for sleep. 1-3 mgs. might be enough.

Congrats on getting away from your mother. how did you pull that off? I worked on getting away from my ego-lowering/destroying mother for decades, and never got it down to 100% away.

I've since gotten it down to getting away 100% from several other relatives, so I feel good about that.

I once joined a group called Al-Anon, for friends or relatives of alcoholics, and it helped. Somebody said even if you just have a friend or relative who drinks (drugs?) too much, you can join the group. And I did, and it helped, and it was free.

Can you do volunteer work, at a hospital, walking a dog at a dog pound, senior citizens home. It puts you around people who need help/companionship, and by helping, you become the strong one and grow.

Also thinking positive that you can get out of this, or

"One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."

Thinking positive before you go into that next, in front of you problem, opens up areas of your brain that can lead to victory.

While thinking negative going into that same problem, closes down those areas of the brain that could lead to victory, and your brain only looks to defeat. Because you told it to.

This is from what I have learned and have now experienced.

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 5/25/2017 11:59:10 AM (GMT-6)

I had a similar relationship with my mom too NCOT... It was love/hate... She was very manipulative and I was a child. But I ended it by stopping going to her house. After I was away from her for a bit, I started doing better. I have a feeling that will happen to you too once you get use to it. You will probably flourish in many ways. I am sure she was bringing you down.

Now it is your life. I think keeping busy is the key. Maybe you could pick up more volunteer work but don't over do it. Make it so you have your time too. To do the things that you enjoy. You may have to discover that yet too.

I think you will be better. It takes time. Nothing good comes too easy. But gradual changes.

Take it one day at a time.

Hugs, Karen...

Oh,,, TimTam.... My husband takes 10mg tabs of Melatonin. It takes a lot for him. Just so you know that they come in 5's and 10's also.

Be careful increasing your dose of Cymbalta. There are numerous reports of sudden dysphoria associated with dosage increases above 60mg. Just Google it and see if you feel it is worth the risk.

Admittedly I'm new to this and have no personal experience, but I had carefully considered Cymbalta for it's specific analgesic properties treating OA and fibromyalgia. Ultimately I chose Effexor over Cymbalta as OCD/looping were a greater problem for me than the post-traumatic arthritis.

So, you haven’t seen your parents in 3 weeks. Where do you go when you get away from that?

You said, “Before I walked out we had a short but nasty row, where she was being horrible to me because I was depressed.”
Was she drinking when you had the argument?

How do you finance yourself without being at home?

You say, “. I actually didn't realise quite how nasty my mum was until my friend pointed it out to me a couple of years ago: she was the one who awakened me to the fact that, yes, my mum was behaving in an emotionally abusive way towards me.”

My mother was emotionally abusive to me, also. She was abused, herself, as a child, and so it was just natural for her to abuse her children. She also hid it very well and made it look like it wall all your fault.

You said, “She makes a great show of declaring all the things she has done for me - what she never mentions is all the things she has never done for me and never will. She does want she wants to, and always has; she wouldn't step over the road to help me if it wasn't something she wanted to do. She doesn't listen to what I want or need. She doesn't, for all that she claims otherwise, take either my autism or depression into account.”

I have problems, also, and some parents tend to pick on that.
You noted, “my dad was also involved, but his deficiencies as a parent were much more glaring”

My dad was kinda cold and had a temper.

You added: “I feel like I despise my mother now. It's a horrible feeling because at the same time I have always needed her - she has certainly done her best to ensure that. I don't think, being fair, she consciously intended to make my life an absolute misery. But she may as well have done for all the responsibility she takes for anything (i.e. precisely zero).”

That’s the way it was with my mother, also. She would emotionally undercut me, but I needed her help at the same time. So, it was a wanting to get away, knowing I should get away, but couldn’t make it on my own, because of my bipolar, etc.

You say, “I find thinking positive almost impossible. Even if I do manage to feel more positive for a while, it never lasts. The sense of futility, hopelessness and even rage always comes back. I'm sorry, I've been a bit negative in this post; I think talking about my mum has brought me down :-/”

I found it difficult also to be positive all day long. But what do now is try to be positive only when I want to solve a problem. You know, for like, 5 minutes. I find that that helps me have a better chance of solving it, for it opens up more areas of my brain to look for ways to solve it.

Whereas, if I’m negative for those 5 minutes, it closes down those areas of my brain that may could have helped me solve it, and I’m looking for ways to fail because that’s the way I’ve programmed myself going into the problem.

Are you doing OK now?

Hi folks.

Sorry for not replying for a couple of days. Although that said, absolutely nothing of any note has happened. On the plus side I still haven't crashed. In fact I feel like I've been the happiest I've been in years and it's bizarre. Not happy in a euphoric, manic way but just able to feel positive emotions again and enjoy the sunny weather we've been having. It's very hard to motivate myself to go back on the duloxetine when I feel like this, but I will soon - I want to be back on it before my next psych appointment on the 12th June. Besides, that will be after our general election on the 8th June and I'll probably be depressed again after the inevitable Tory victory :-/

@Karen - I've seen you post about your mum before and she did sound very abusive to you as a child. I'll never understand abusive parents, but that's a whole other topic I guess. I am glad you were able to get away from her: one of the saddest things is seeing adult children still at the beck and call of their manipulative parents.

Hugs back at you :p

@Lynwood - Thanks for telling me about Al-Anon, as I didn't actually know that. I will google them and look into it further. I do feel like my mum's drinking has been a negative influence on me. In one sense it sounds a bit silly and I think most of my family would tell me I'm being silly if I said anything (which I wouldn't). Like, how can my mum having a glass of wine affect me? And of course, an occasional glass of wine would have no affect whatsoever. But I am convinced that chronic, heavy drinking has changed her personality. On the other hand, something like that is impossible to prove because I don't know how she would have turned out if she had been a teetotaller all her life :/

@RobLee - I'm not going to increase my dose of Cymbalta. I didn't like some of the side-effects at 60mg; increasing to 120mg is a risk I don't want to take. I'd rather try a different antidepressant and then go back to Cymbalta again if it doesn't work out. Incidentally, obsessive/looping thoughts are something I have an issue with: Cymbalta knocked them right on the head, for several months at least. But when I got depressed again the negative thoughts came back as well.

@Tim Tam - I have a flat of my own now. I was very lucky to get it and I appreciate that. Before I got the flat in 2015 I was living at my parents house and that was a nightmare. It would take an essay to explain why, since there's a list of reasons longer than your arm - but I was basically traumatised and very, very angry for at least two years. My parents couldn't deal with it and a few times the police were called out. I honestly don't know how it would have all ended if my flat hadn't come along when it did. Things were still appalling with my parents after I moved out and I ended up cutting off contact for about 3 months. I went into hospital for bowel surgery; the aftermath went pear-shaped and I became terrified I was going to die (in retrospect I can see now there was no chance of that...). Called my parents, they came to visit and I resumed seeing them again after that.

There weren't any serious problems for a year or so, but very gradually some of the old resentments and problems resurfaced. Then, for various reasons I won't bore you with, they escalated rather sharply. That's when I decided I just couldn't handle seeing my parents anymore, at least for a while.

My mum wasn't actually drunk when I had the final row with her, no. There are days when she doesn't drink. Not very many of them anymore, but that was one of them. As for finance, it's a bit personal but I'm on benefits at the moment. Luckily my dad is as mean as anything, which meant I couldn't get financially dependent on my parents for stuff; have always had to pay my own bills, and so on.

I say that, though, but I was living at home until I was 40, which isn't normal. You mentioned not being able to get away because of bipolar; well I had the same thing really, but with depression and (at the time) undiagnosed autism. My friend reckoned my parents had a vested interest in keeping me at home for their own selfish reasons. I don't think that was actually true of my dad, but of my mum - deffo.

The idea of being positive only for a few minutes to solve a problem is an intriguing one: I might try that and see if it works. I can't be positive all the time or even most of the time; it's just not doable for me. But maybe even I can manage it for 5 minutes at least.

Incidentally I've been having an appalling time sleeping the past week - I do fall asleep but not until something ridiculous, like 6am. I then have fitful sleep until about 12pm. Reckon it's partly the hot weather which is doing it. Also my skin has started playing up again. It was a problem which developed about 3 years ago, after I'd been on oxycodone and had hell coming off it (even after only being on it for 2 months). My skin became ultra sensitive, as though it were an electrified force field. Proper horrible feeling. Anyway, I've been getting that at night again, albeit in a much milder form but still enough to keep me awake. Reckon duloxetine might have been knocking that particular symtom on the head and now I've stopped it, it's come back >_<.

Okay guys, I've got to rush. Got to get to the supermarket before it closes early on a Sunday :p

“Cat's In The Cradle"

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, Dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, Dad
I don't know when, but we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home, Dad
I don't know when, but we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son
I don't know when, but we'll get together then, Dad
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home son
I don't know when, but we'll get together then, Dad
We're gonna have a good time then

"Cat's in the Cradle" (Hear it on Youtube.com)
------------------

How was "Cat's in the Cradle" written?

Sandy Gaston Chapin was a teacher and mother of three when she started taking guitar lessons from singer/songwriter/filmmaker Harry Chapin. They married two years later and Sandy began writing poetry and songs late at night, after her children were in bed.

One of those poems, inspired in part by a country song and in part by the disconnected relationship between her first husband and his son, became the basis of Harry's song, "Cat's in the Cradle."

When Sandy first shared the poem with Harry, "he sort of brushed it aside," she says. But after their son Josh was born, Harry saw the poem through new eyes, and was compelled to write music and a chorus for the verses Sandy had written.

When Harry told her his producer wanted to include the song on his next album, Sandy called the idea "ridiculous," saying, "That song will only appeal to 45-year-old men, and they don't buy records."

"Cat's in the Cradle" went on to become a #1 hit, earning a Grammy nomination for Best Song, selling millions of copies, and being featured over and over again in settings ranging from church sermons to feature films.

Harry's brother Tom has said the lyrics ". . . put more fathers ill at ease than any other song in history," and Sandy herself admits that it has proven to be a "real teaching opportunity."

As the mother of five and grandmother of six, Sandy confesses that she writes "almost not at all" these days. She continues to live in New York and devotes most of her time to family matters and running Long Island Cares, a food bank and hunger assistance organization, and the Harry Chapin Foundation, the goal of which is to help make a positive difference in communities around the country.

Hi folks.

I went for a long walk along a branch of the Grand Union canal yesterday. There's a lot of bodies of water in this part of the world: canals, reservoirs, ponds and rivers. I live closest to the canal though; it's lovely with all the ducks, geese, herons and so on. I'd like to walk the entire branch, but it's 6 miles long and I am not sure if I am up to a 12 mile walk in one day. (Though I could get a bus back if I can find out where the bus stops are.)

@Karen - I really ought to try meditation. I dunno why I keep putting it off, but it would probably help with my racing thoughts :/

Hugs :p

@Tim Tam - Gosh, I haven't heard that song in years. I want to listen to it again, I'm gonna search for it on YouTube. Interesting to hear the backstory, as I didn't know any of it - gives a bit more meaning to the song.

Anyway, I'm gonna get some late lunch and then I might drive down to the reservoirs or something. I'd actually normally be at my gardening place today, but it's shut because it's a Bank Holiday: Bank Holidays suck when you're not working :-/

NCOT,
my mother was a raging alcoholic among other things.

Not sleeping at night is one of the side effects of CPTSD, which you more than likely have. I dare say, is a causitive factor in your health issues, bless your heart.

I have CPTSD. Meditation and work on self-kindness is doing more for me in the past 6 months than all other skills.

I have found a wonderful app. INSIGHT TIMER. Meditation - music - talks - ppodcasts and more.
You can book mark what you like to start a go to list.
I find I am using it 2-3 times a day.

Congrats on moving out. REMEMBER, there actually is not a "normal" only what people project. It is what it is.
You are a warrior.
Be proud, we are of you
Peace
Trina

Hi NCOT,

I am sorry you crashed. No fun at all... Go easy on yourself, you have recently made a transformation by moving out and it could still be effecting you. I guess there will always be one or two bumps in the road.

I know this sounds silly but I am going to share anyway. I use to have bad dreams about my mother all the time. Somebody gave me a dream catcher and I haven't dreamed about her since. I know it is probably all in my head, but it worked. So I just thought I would share that with you.

I hope the days get better. Hang in there and don't give up.

Hugs, Karen...

Just a quick update... <_<

I saw my GP yesterday. Had a good talk with her, but no, nothing which she could prescribe for nightmares other than, surprise surprise, more amitriptyline :-/ It's very hard getting any psych meds other than antidepressants in the UK though. I may have a bit more luck at my psychiatrist's appointment on June 12th.

I think Crohn's pain may be contributing to my disturbed sleep so I'm gonna look into sourcing some marijuana for medical purposes. I do have codeine (left over from what my dad has given me - think the GP has just given up with him now and gives him everything he asks for). But yeah, 30mg codeine doesn't do anything for the pain anymore, and I'm not prepared to up the dose - don't want to get addicted to opiates.


@Karen - I would try anything at this rate, so I googled dream catchers. First thing I found was this:

/www.acotisdiamonds.co.uk/thomas-sabo-ethno-dreamcatcher-pendant-pe712-646-17?gclid=CP7B4NbbnNQCFUEaGwodJqIEQQ

It's certainly rather beautiful but at £540, it'll have to jog on I'm afraid. Anyway, I've found some far cheaper ones now. Do you hang it up on your wall above your pillow? I'm not sure what you're meant to do with it... :/

@Trina - I tried googling minidress but the only things which came up were short dresses. Ah well. I've actually thought about trying to write notes about my dreams - never been able to decide if it would help or not. It would have to be immediately after I wake up, 'cos I forget 99% of the dream after a few hours.

Some things make total sense to me, other things are just baffling. I gave one short example to my GP of somebody trying to enter my bedroom and me not being sure what their intentions were at first. (I dunno why I didn't just ask them, but obvs that thought never occurred to me in the dream world.) Anyway I got more and more scared and then tried to turn on my lamp, which wouldn't work. Woke up shortly after that, and turned on my lamp (which did work). So yeah, I've never had anyone try to break into my bedroom or flat before, and never have done. But that's a recurring dream of sorts. I have even worse ones than that -_-. In still more dreams, "I'm" trying to avoid being captured by millions of zombies, but those type of dreams probably just come from watching too many zombie films and reading too many zombie books.

Anyway, thank you both. I'm just having lunch right now then going to go to the hospital to get a blood test.