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My partner left me after starting anxiety/depression meds, what do I do...?

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Posted 6/20/2017 10:13 AM (GMT 0)
My boyfriend of 2.5 yrs broke up with me out of the blue two days ago. We are both 27 years old, have both been in long term relationships before, and we thought very carefully about being together. Our relationship and our friendship is amazing, we he a connection like I never imagined possible. Only three weeks ago he was talking about having children together and our future.
He has recently been through multiple stressful situations, to the point where he began to become depressed and was prescribed some medication. That was a few months ago. When I spoke to him on the phone two nights ago, he seemed sad, distant, and depressed. He said he is just living day to day, doesn't want to see his friends, and doesn't know how to feel about anything any more.
I realise that I do take some responsibility in the break up, and I have apologised for the things I did, and I have begun counselling to get myself better.
I am completely devastated by him saying we should just be friends. I am so scared that I will never get him back. He says that he still loves me and he will forever, which is why I am wondering if his medication or depression is to blame. A doctor prescribed him some meds (and gave him the wrong dosage) and neglected to follow up with him to see how he was doing.
I desperately want to help, but he has asked for space, and I have no idea what to do....
Posted 6/20/2017 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I literally just registered here to post a very similar story to yours. I am the same age as you, and he left me two weeks ago today, after having started new antidepressants. It hurts so bad, doesn't it? I wish I could give you a hug. That's all I can say.
Posted 6/20/2017 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
Give him his space, Grace. Be as supportive as he needs and take each day as it comes. Antidepressants are tough on the brain, and some people have difficulty during the startup period.
Posted 6/22/2017 1:57 AM (GMT 0)

cornibusbestia said...
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I literally just registered here to post a very similar story to yours. I am the same age as you, and he left me two weeks ago today, after having started new antidepressants. It hurts so bad, doesn't it? I wish I could give you a hug. That's all I can say.

Thanks so much for your message, its nice to know I'm not alone. How did things happen with your partner? Did he ask for space or just end the relationship? And how are things going now? Do u have contact with him?
Posted 6/22/2017 9:55 AM (GMT 0)

Grace1989 said...

cornibusbestia said...
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I literally just registered here to post a very similar story to yours. I am the same age as you, and he left me two weeks ago today, after having started new antidepressants. It hurts so bad, doesn't it? I wish I could give you a hug. That's all I can say.

Thanks so much for your message, its nice to know I'm not alone. How did things happen with your partner? Did he ask for space or just end the relationship? And how are things going now? Do u have contact with him?


He just broke up out of nowhere. Said he'd thought about it for a while, but I can't believe he never talked to me about it. Yesterday, two weeks after total silence from him, we talked things out in person. I expressed understanding that a relationship was just too much for him, but if he ever should feel ready to have a relationship with me again, these are the things I want and would offer....
He seem to lighten up by what I said, but maintained his feelings had run cold and that he was better off not being in a relationship as long as he is this ill. I couldn't possibly argue that his well-being is less important than us being together, so I just have to accept it. But I find it hard to accept that his love is gone, because he does clearly feel it when we are together. But he says it's not enough given how relationships weigh him down.
Posted 6/22/2017 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
I've read several of these situations where the guy, and maybe in some cases the girl, gets depressed for the first time, and wants to end the relationship with his girlfriend.

I finally remembered a couple of things, one being a response I had to someone on this website who said when they became depressed their friends didn't want to socialize with them anymore.

I remember, I responded that when I had an emotional problem at 17, a psychotic episode, that that situation happened to me, also, but that I, too, did not feel comfortable around them anymore.

I mentioned, with the emotional problem, I had become a different person. What I meant by that was, I was no longer the up and comer, with a bright future.

While I had slipped below that level, they had not had an emotional break and were still at the same high level. They were still up and comers with a bright future females.

Being with such a female can perhaps make the male who has had some sort of collapse feel uncomfortable. Perhaps feel under pressure to be as strong as he was, and perhaps the male doesn't feel that is possible, and perhaps feels threatened to be around someone as strong as her girlfriend.

He may want to start over some day with a new girlfriend who is perhaps not as strong as his former girlfriend, someone he can tell from the beginning, I've had depression.

Even one of my male friends, who saw the collapse, I didn't want to maintain the same friendship with afterwards. Two of my male friends who did not see my collapse, and I didn't tell them, we maintained our friendships.

It was both the girlfriend and a male friend who saw the collapse, I didn't want to maintain those friendships.

I was a different person. I wanted to start making a new set of friends who understood my difficulties, for they had problems themselves. My new kind of people.
Posted 6/22/2017 5:15 PM (GMT 0)

cornibusbestia said...

Grace1989 said...

cornibusbestia said...
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I literally just registered here to post a very similar story to yours. I am the same age as you, and he left me two weeks ago today, after having started new antidepressants. It hurts so bad, doesn't it? I wish I could give you a hug. That's all I can say.

Thanks so much for your message, its nice to know I'm not alone. How did things happen with your partner? Did he ask for space or just end the relationship? And how are things going now? Do u have contact with him?


He just broke up out of nowhere. Said he'd thought about it for a while, but I can't believe he never talked to me about it. Yesterday, two weeks after total silence from him, we talked things out in person. I expressed understanding that a relationship was just too much for him, but if he ever should feel ready to have a relationship with me again, these are the things I want and would offer....
He seem to lighten up by what I said, but maintained his feelings had run cold and that he was better off not being in a relationship as long as he is this ill. I couldn't possibly argue that his well-being is less important than us being together, so I just have to accept it. But I find it hard to accept that his love is gone, because he does clearly feel it when we are together. But he says it's not enough given how relationships weigh him down.

Well that sounds positive...!? You know it's impossible for people who are depressed to feel love the way a normal person would, and he probably feels awful that the love he had for you 'seems' to be gone. But to me, that means that when his depression lifts that his old feelings would return..? Sounds like he is just trying to protect you from being hurt, because he is so unsure of what he wants. It is a huge time of confusion for him, and he cannot understand what or why he is feeling this way. Sounds exactly what my partner has done. It hurts us so deeply, but I think now is the time for us to put our needs aside for a while, and try to be the supportive, stress free friend for them, so that they feel safe enough to tell us how they are doing. The rest I suppose is up to them...
Posted 6/22/2017 5:23 PM (GMT 0)

Tim Tam said...
I've read several of these situations where the guy, and maybe in some cases the girl, gets depressed for the first time, and wants to end the relationship with his girlfriend.

I finally remembered a couple of things, one being a response I had to someone on this website who said when they became depressed their friends didn't want to socialize with them anymore.

I remember, I responded that when I had an emotional problem at 17, a psychotic episode, that that situation happened to me, also, but that I, too, did not feel comfortable around them anymore.

I mentioned, with the emotional problem, I had become a different person. What I meant by that was, I was no longer the up and comer, with a bright future.

While I had slipped below that level, they had not had an emotional break and were still at the same high level. They were still up and comers with a bright future females.

Being with such a female can perhaps make the male who has had some sort of collapse feel uncomfortable. Perhaps feel under pressure to be as strong as he was, and perhaps the male doesn't feel that is possible, and perhaps feels threatened to be around someone as strong as her girlfriend.

He may want to start over some day with a new girlfriend who is perhaps not as strong as his former girlfriend, someone he can tell from the beginning, I've had depression.

Even one of my male friends, who saw the collapse, I didn't want to maintain the same friendship with afterwards. Two of my male friends who did not see my collapse, and I didn't tell them, we maintained our friendships.

It was both the girlfriend and a male friend who saw the collapse, I didn't want to maintain those friendships.

I was a different person. I wanted to start making a new set of friends who understood my difficulties, for they had problems themselves. My new kind of people.

Thanks for your message, I do see where you're coming from.

My partner and I have always been very open with our feelings and experiences, and our communication has been very good. I have told him about times when I have been depressed in my youth and required medical help, and he opens up to me abut his issues with stress, family and work.
He also knows that I am far from perfect, and I have sometimes needed him to be the strong one when I have been going through bad times. I like to think that we are equals, but I also understand that his depression and medication will be warping hid perception of things.

His reason for ending things was that we argue and upset each other too much, which is simply not true. We have the odd disagreement and sometimes it get emotional, but no more than any other relationship. We have more good times than bad times, but he cannot see that right now.
I hope that by becoming his friend, he will feel safe enough to open up to me and I can help him in a more practical way.
Posted 6/22/2017 10:20 PM (GMT 0)

Grace1989 said...

cornibusbestia said...

Grace1989 said...

cornibusbestia said...
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I literally just registered here to post a very similar story to yours. I am the same age as you, and he left me two weeks ago today, after having started new antidepressants. It hurts so bad, doesn't it? I wish I could give you a hug. That's all I can say.

Thanks so much for your message, its nice to know I'm not alone. How did things happen with your partner? Did he ask for space or just end the relationship? And how are things going now? Do u have contact with him?


He just broke up out of nowhere. Said he'd thought about it for a while, but I can't believe he never talked to me about it. Yesterday, two weeks after total silence from him, we talked things out in person. I expressed understanding that a relationship was just too much for him, but if he ever should feel ready to have a relationship with me again, these are the things I want and would offer....
He seem to lighten up by what I said, but maintained his feelings had run cold and that he was better off not being in a relationship as long as he is this ill. I couldn't possibly argue that his well-being is less important than us being together, so I just have to accept it. But I find it hard to accept that his love is gone, because he does clearly feel it when we are together. But he says it's not enough given how relationships weigh him down.

Well that sounds positive...!? You know it's impossible for people who are depressed to feel love the way a normal person would, and he probably feels awful that the love he had for you 'seems' to be gone. But to me, that means that when his depression lifts that his old feelings would return..? Sounds like he is just trying to protect you from being hurt, because he is so unsure of what he wants. It is a huge time of confusion for him, and he cannot understand what or why he is feeling this way. Sounds exactly what my partner has done. It hurts us so deeply, but I think now is the time for us to put our needs aside for a while, and try to be the supportive, stress free friend for them, so that they feel safe enough to tell us how they are doing. The rest I suppose is up to them...


I keep trying to find some hope in it. But he did say he didn't love me anymore. Or wasn't in love with me anymore. I don't remember. He didn't emphasise this much, just that his feelings weren't strong enough. He didn't deny that he'd said it and meant it two weeks prior to the breakup.
But yes, I think you are right, but his depression has been so persistent for most of his adult life I don't know if I dare to hope.
I am not sure that I have the strength to be there as a friend for him. He suggested it, but I'd honestly just stick by in hope that he'd take me back. I don't know what's the best thing to do there really.
Posted 6/22/2017 11:01 PM (GMT 0)

cornibusbestia said...

Grace1989 said...

cornibusbestia said...

Grace1989 said...

cornibusbestia said...
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I literally just registered here to post a very similar story to yours. I am the same age as you, and he left me two weeks ago today, after having started new antidepressants. It hurts so bad, doesn't it? I wish I could give you a hug. That's all I can say.

Thanks so much for your message, its nice to know I'm not alone. How did things happen with your partner? Did he ask for space or just end the relationship? And how are things going now? Do u have contact with him?


He just broke up out of nowhere. Said he'd thought about it for a while, but I can't believe he never talked to me about it. Yesterday, two weeks after total silence from him, we talked things out in person. I expressed understanding that a relationship was just too much for him, but if he ever should feel ready to have a relationship with me again, these are the things I want and would offer....
He seem to lighten up by what I said, but maintained his feelings had run cold and that he was better off not being in a relationship as long as he is this ill. I couldn't possibly argue that his well-being is less important than us being together, so I just have to accept it. But I find it hard to accept that his love is gone, because he does clearly feel it when we are together. But he says it's not enough given how relationships weigh him down.

Well that sounds positive...!? You know it's impossible for people who are depressed to feel love the way a normal person would, and he probably feels awful that the love he had for you 'seems' to be gone. But to me, that means that when his depression lifts that his old feelings would return..? Sounds like he is just trying to protect you from being hurt, because he is so unsure of what he wants. It is a huge time of confusion for him, and he cannot understand what or why he is feeling this way. Sounds exactly what my partner has done. It hurts us so deeply, but I think now is the time for us to put our needs aside for a while, and try to be the supportive, stress free friend for them, so that they feel safe enough to tell us how they are doing. The rest I suppose is up to them...


I keep trying to find some hope in it. But he did say he didn't love me anymore. Or wasn't in love with me anymore. I don't remember. He didn't emphasise this much, just that his feelings weren't strong enough. He didn't deny that he'd said it and meant it two weeks prior to the breakup.
But yes, I think you are right, but his depression has been so persistent for most of his adult life I don't know if I dare to hope.
I am not sure that I have the strength to be there as a friend for him. He suggested it, but I'd honestly just stick by in hope that he'd take me back. I don't know what's the best thing to do there really.

Isn't it amazing how quickly their feelings can change. And that makes me believe even more that it must be something that's happening TO them, rather than the fault of the relationship. I think that if he has asked you to be his friend, that is the only way he feels comfortable to still ask for your support. He is trying to let you know that he still needs you without seeming weak. Also I believe that guys are quite black and white when it comes to us, for example if he was totally out of love then he would end it and end all contact. My guy still tells me that he loves me, and that he will for the rest of his life, which honestly i find so difficult to hear. I just want to shake him and shout in his face and say well why are we breaking up then!?!?! know it's so hard, and honestly I don't know how I will do it myself, but we need to be that helpful friend right now. I am just going to keep reminding myself of how our friendship was in the beginning, and try to be that friend again. I guess we will not know how things will turn out until we try, but I feel like this is the most promising way....
Posted 6/22/2017 11:33 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad that you two have found each other to talk to. It always helps when somebody has something in common with you.

I do have to ask about the quotes. It isn't really necessary and there is only so much bandwidth on the forum. So if you can stop quoting that would be appreciated. You can answer each other directly without the quotes. Thanks so much in advance for understanding.

Hugs ladies,

Karen...
Posted 6/22/2017 11:35 PM (GMT 0)
Haha sorry karen!! I haven't used a forum before so I didn't know. Thanks smile
Posted 6/22/2017 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
No worries Grace, just wanted to mention it before it got too much. But I don't know how forums work, I was just worried about bandwidth because it has come up before with different members. Keep posting, I am glad you two found each other!

Hugs...
Posted 6/23/2017 5:38 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know if it were the feelings that changed or if it was just that when they were only present in my presence, it wasn't enough. He needs to feel that he loves me even when I am not there.

I also feel that he asked me to be his friend simply because he still enjoys my company, but that the romantic feelings are gone. It hurts so bad. He's got plenty of friends (all with depression) for support. And I almost want to take him up on the offer so that I can be there for when (if) his feelings resurface, but that can't be healthy. Staying someone's friend in the hopes that they will feel romantic towards you sounds potentially self destructive.

The situation might be different for you though, and it may very well be the right call to stay his friend in these times.
Posted 6/23/2017 5:55 PM (GMT 0)
Oh I see, well I guess you know him best and if that's what it seems like to you then maybe that is the case.
I heard a saying not long ago... "women fall in love in your presence, while men fall in love in you absence." Maybe if he gets a chance to miss you, he will start to think differently?

My plan is definitely to offer my partner support as a friend, but also to take a period of no contact, possibly up to 3 to 4 weeks. One of our major issues was that I was too available in the relationship, and I became needy and clingy. I'll take these weeks to work on myself and build my confidence back up to the place it was at when we met. So hopefully when we reconnect in a month or so, he will see that I am still the same girl I have always been. And, if he still doesn't want to get back together, at least I will have made myself stronger and I will be able to cope better.
I won't hang around in the hopes he will change his mind, I will just be here living my life, and if he realises that what we have is too special to let go of then that would be great. On the other hand if he is the type of person to let such an amazing bond go in a time of stress, then maybe it isn't right to continue, because would would happen further down the line if we were married with kids and he decided he wanted to walk away..? I think it is possible to find a balance of being friends, supporting him, but also protecting yourself.
Posted 6/23/2017 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Grace,

It sounds like you have a good and constructive plan in order. I know that things will work out for what is best, though that isn't always what we want. Keep hanging in there and Do nice things for yourself. Self nurturing goes a long way.

Cornibusbestia,

I hope that things work out for you too. I think you can support him and that it will be alright. Just know in your mind that there are no promises. It might only be friendship. But when we love somebody we always want what is best for them. Even if it isn't always best for us. I have confidence that things will work out for the best. Keep hanging in there... I know it isn't easy. But you are doing the right things.

Have a good rest of the day you two...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/25/2017 8:58 AM (GMT 0)
Karen:
Yeah I honestly don't know. If this were a normal breakup I'd just cut all contact to get over him even though it hurts. But this isn't an normal breakup, but then again he would say that it is. He just sat there very matter of fact "I don't love you anymore". But also "We can still be friends. I still enjoy hanging out with you". I don't think I can be physically present as just friends, giving I'd always been hoping for something romantic again.

Grace:
Yeah. I guess the problem for him was that he didn't love me in my absence.
I think I might keep the contact low while I go on holiday without him (we were supposed to go to my hometown together), make myself stronger there (whatever that means... exercise?) and check on him later. But I think I will only keep in touch online. It's tricky. On one hand he dumped me, on the other hand he is ill.
Posted 6/25/2017 10:44 AM (GMT 0)
Okay so I have an update. I heard ftom him a few hours ago. He says his mind is still in a state of limbo and he has been having chest pains every day. He said he is not in a head space to be able to talk, so we only messaged each other.
He told me that "at this stage he is sticking with his decision". I asked him if it would be okay if told tell him how I feel, he said yes so I said sent him this message:

*Heya so, I just want to tell you that I'm okay with us just being friends. I understand that you are going through a lot of stress and stuff right now, and you have been for a while.
You've been there for me through my tough times, and I would love to be there for you through yours, but I understand that this is something you need to do on your own. And that's okay.
I am going to carry on working on myself, so don't worry about me smile
Also, just remember that I have been through depression and been on medication, and I know it seems like no one will understand, but if you ever need to talk about anything I'm here smile*

All he said was "thank you grace". Then he changed his relationship status on facebook (yes I know it's silly, but that actually hurt a lot).
Sooo now I plan to do minimum 30 days no contact, and I am going to check out a new gym tomorrow.
My mum made a good suggestion too... he is going to run out of medication in a few weeks. This will mean he will either stop taking them, or have to go to the doctor. So either way there is going to be some change. This gives me a little hope and will help me be strong for the next month.
I feel really good about how I've handled this, knowing that about I can control is my own behavior. So no matter what happens, I know I've done all could smile
Posted 6/25/2017 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
It is so hard when it comes to our partners and depression Cornibusbestia, we see actions out of the norm. Things come at us as a surprise. Totally out of character. I really think at this point, the best thing that you can do is take good care of you. Work on getting stronger and do something nice for yourself.

You don't know if he is going to come back to you. And it is hard to wait. But you can't let it stop you from living your life. This is your journey, and he is on his.

With the antidepressants. It takes awhile before you start feeling better again. Chances are when he started taking them, he was probably at his lowest point. It takes a good six to eight weeks for them to reach full potential and become therapeutic. So I don't think taking the antidepressants is what caused him to break up with you. I think it was because he was at a very low point. Being depressed like that makes doing everyday things very difficult. And the thought of the responsibility of a relationship is difficult too. And that is in no way your fault. It is just the way we think. Feeling that he is not pulling his fair share of the weight and worrying that he wont make you happy. Give things time. But don't stop living. You deserve to be happy too.

I hope that this helped in some small way. I hope you have a good day.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/25/2017 6:13 PM (GMT 0)
The only reason I believe it was the medication is because the break up happened at the 6 to 7 week mark of him taking them. It was very unexpected, and only a week before the break up we were totally in love, going out together and going places with his friends, planning our future and talking children. There were absolutely no warning signs, were at a really good place. Then within a week he did a complete 180 on me.
I do understand that the stress had been building up for a while, but the change in him was incredible.
Also, when he was first prescribed them, he said he was nervous to take them because he said 'they could really mess people up' (he had done some research first). Also the fact they were given to him on the spot after NO assessment, by a doctor he had never met before, and given the wrong dosage by the pharmacy.
I know it sounds like I am clinging to the idea that it's the medication, but I know him so well, I don't don't believe he would make this decision otherwise. He is the strongest person I have ever met.
I won't put my life on hold, but I will stay in the same city as long as I can, because I know things will change, and I want to be here when they do. If I leave now I would never be able to live with not knowing.
Also, the fact that in our conversation last night he said "at this stage" I am sticking with my decision to be friends, gives me a bit if hope. I wasn't expecting that and I didn't prompt him in anyway, he just said it. I really feel like he's still in there just under the surface!

Post Edited (Grace1989) : 6/25/2017 12:19:04 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/25/2017 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, that is strange. I am glad you are going to stay friends. And I am glad you aren't putting your life on hold. Take things one day at a time and see what transpires.

Hang in there Grace...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/26/2017 6:40 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much karen. I will be visiting my home town this weekend to spend some time with my family. Hopefully that will help me work through some of these thoughts, and remind me that I have options if things don't turn out the way I would like.
Right now I am feeling worse with each day, thinking about the last time we held each other, the last time we kissed. I never thought it could hurt like this. But as you say, one day at a time.... smile
Posted 6/26/2017 10:24 AM (GMT 0)
I hope you have a good visit. Yes, you do have options. That is always a good thing.

Try to keep your mind busy. Focus on the now instead of the memories. Yes, One day at a time. That is all we can do.

Hang in there Grace...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/26/2017 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I've just gotten a text from him in the middle of the night saying "I'm sorry I was a bad boyfriend sad".
I have no idea what to say! I don't know why he would think that, he knows I love him more than anything in the world. I tell him all the time...
I'm so scared to say the wrong thing.... I know he won't be able to accept or believe that he is amazing sad I don't want to push him away...
Posted 6/26/2017 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
When we get depressed like he is, we see ourselves as bad. We don't see anything good about ourselves, that is probably why he thinks he was a bad boyfriend. That is usually the case anyway.

Best wishes...

Hugs, Karen...
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