depressed and venting

Hello all, I've been reading some or your stories.

I thought I would share mine. Right now I feel like there is a
massive mountain in front of me and the only way to get happy again
is to climb over it. I'm just not sure I have the strength left for this.
I feel like the end might be near for me. I've never really shared this
full story with anyone so I thought I would here.

I was a pretty shy introvert, and very very smart. I never had a girlfriend in highschool. Fast forward to University for engineering, and I met this girl and
we became friends. Even though I kind of hate her now, she was incredible. Beautiful, smart (cpu engineer), and to this day is probably one of the 2 most
confident people I have ever met. We really clicked. She told me later she had
lost her virginity at 13, and she currently had a boyfriend back home, and she
was also dating some rich guy in the city with a super high end car. Eventually
I fell for her hard. But she was so openely superficial. She used to jokeling call me ugly, and she would also talk about money being most important, and I remember her also implying that virgins were terrible.

Eventually she starting coming on to me. But I would reject her. She was very
promiscuous, and so even though she would flirt with me, I would also see her
flirting with other guys. It was hard for me at the time to think I had a real shot.
I figured she thought I was ugly, and had to know I was a broke student, and
inexperienced. To me at the time, I was batting 0 on what was most important to her. In hindsight I don't believe she was very superficial, but I think she would
say stuff like that to test guys. At any rate, she made several moves on me. But
at the time, I was almost sort of offended when she did, because we were such
close friends. And I figured why would she ruin the friendship if she wanted looks
money and experience. I did want her though. But I wanted something long term
I bought condoms thinking she would try and sleep with me, but again I was more
nervous about that thinking that a bad sexual experience would be my death.

So Q the pharma drugs. Unfortunately didn't have the knowledge I have know
that doctors are morons. Sometime I took a pretty serious drug that would damage my intestinal flora. Looking back, that was sort of the start of my demise with her. I think she liked my good nature, and my sense of humour. But well
on this drug, I do think it changed my mood as its known to do. Sometime towards the end of the year, I grouped with 3 friends planning to get a place for
next year. She came in my room one day and asked me where I was living, and
said "you don't want to live with me". I said she could live with us, but reasonably she said no, maybe not wanting to live with 4 guys or so many people period.
Honestly what I wanted most was to be with her, I just think I got used to rejecting her or something. Or I know sometimes introverts like me don't speak
out for what they want. But at the time, because of her personality and such,
I really didn't think she liked me as much as she probably did. It wasn't till years
later reflecting on it and gaining more life knowledge I guess, that I sort of realized that she had chosen me over everyone. I remember saying to myself
at the time she was my soul mate. Probably later that night, she asked my closest friend to live with her, of course breaking up are group. I was hurt by this.
I gave her the silent treatment for awhile, and not my guy friend cause I cared
much more about her. I Later apoligized, and we went our seperate ways for the summer, but she asked me if I would visit, and I said yes, and never did. There was a few reasons for that. She seemed to be getting close to my friend and I didn't want to see that. But also I was working out, bulking up, trying to improve my appearance. I was also trying to hookup with other girls and gain some experience. Based on the way she was, I just didn't think I was good enough. I was also infactuated with her and putting her high up on a pedestal. I was planning on visiting her at some point, maybe when I could bench press a house and could really impress her. When I finally called her 4 months or so later I was trying to call my friend and tried to slip past her on the phone, but she asked who was calling, and got upset with me obviously when I didn't even say hi to her. Maybe 1/2 way through 2nd year, she transferred to another school.
I don't know whether that had anything to do with me.

So maybe a year of depression there. But my life actually turned around in a big
way when I got into a new career. I want to keep my privacy and will just say that
I was great at my new job, a young star on the rise, girls were starting to come on
to me for once, people were envious of me probably first time ever, and I guess
the smarts that really didn't do much for me to that point, finally were a big advantage. So that was a good time in my life, I was happy having fun at my
job, lots of friends.

So maybe 5 years later. Bought a home, and tried to contact this girl again. To
be fair, emails were fairly new, and my writing skills suck. I'm a math guy. So
my emails to her weren't very personable and I also wanted her to work for me.
As I though that might be the only way to get her in my life again, but also as
I said she was exceptional so she was qualified also. But our email exchanges didn't go so well. Again my fault, bad writer. So I was prepared to move on.
I had confidence in myself now, that I could maybe find someone else as exceptional as her. I was moving on with the idea of finding someone else. Around the time I was starting this new journey, Q the horrible diseases caused by the pharma drug taken years ago. My intestinal flora is damaged, and now I have numerous skin diseases, as well as an intestinal disease. Once that happend, I became immediatly depressed, lost all ambition, and have slowly lost all my money, and honestly don't even care.

The last hope.

There now is a chance I can restore my intestinal flora. By doing a fecal transplant. Unfortunately I have nobody in my family that can help, and I've
alienated all my friends. So now I have to figure out a way to do this with
someone. For someone shy and introverted like myself, I can't think that I could
be tested any harder than I am now. I tired of fighting. I tired of feeling cursed
and so unlucky. The people that still know me, don't realize how sick I am. And
I feel they would make me feel shamed if I ever told them the realities of my
condition. They usually see me at my best, so they don't see the dark days when
my skin is bad, or I have the energy of a 80 year old, or I ate something I shouldn't have, and now am awoken in the middle of the night with stomach pains.
Part of me just wants to give up. I spend alot of time thinking about the past,
and good times in my life, and the girl as well. Right now I feel useless. Like
my chances with women are 0. Doesn't matter if I have money, look like brad
pitt. I can't imagine anyone wanted someone sick. I don't blame them.
I used to be insecure about many things. Now I have 1 ultimate insecurity.
1 massive vulnerabilty, my health has taken all my confidence from me. I feel
like a shell of what I was.

Thanks for reading my story if your still around. I know I'm not the only one battling on this forum. Best of luck to everyone

Hey Jason,

The world is full of 'the one that got away' stories. They're like fish stories: as we look at them through the lens of history, the facts morph to fit our inner narrative. The sad truth of life is that wisdom requires experience, and we don't have the wisdom or experience to make great life choices when we're young.

In Canada you can arrange for a fecal transplant if you've failed all the other protocols they throw at you. I'm not sure where you are, but I'd suggest it would be every bit as clinical as it is here. As a fellow introvert, I like things that are clinical. I'm also sure that you don't have to arrange for a feces donation from a friend or family member - the system takes care of that for you.

Gut flora affects moods. No doubt about it. Remember to vary your probiotics on a regular basis while you're waiting for your fecal transplant.

Spend some of your hard-earned money and see a shrink. When you find one you can trust, you'll be surprised at the conversations you start having. There's nothing like a good therapy session to normalize being an introvert.

You can fix this. Be methodical and precise, and surround yourself with professionals you trust. As smart as you are, you don't have the tools to fight this on your own; your brain is not firing on all cylinders.

Work hard at this problem, and you'll be okay

Try to do things to distract yourself from thinking about your health once in awhile. I know you can't completely not think about it, but you will discover many beautiful things...

Best wishes for you Jason.

Hugs, Karen...

Welcome to the forum...