What does your depression "feel" and "act" like?

Hey, we're twins! At least we are insofar as all the depressive stuff we're going through. Except for the crying part. Boys don't cry, we just punch stuff and blow holes in crap at the gun range.

I'm having a really tough 2017 too. I, like you, have had a succession of down days with the odd interspersion of happy days. I'm not Bipolar, and I doubt if you are. My manic days are only manic when compared to the rut I occasionally crawl out of. That said, feeling depressed and tired all the time is not normal, and I'm working like crazy to find a way out of it.

In my case, most everyone I talk to thinks my issues are sleep related. My sleep is completely non-restorative. I go to bed at 9:00 and get up at 5:45 feeling worse than I did when I went to bed. On the weekends I sleep in, and get up feeling just as poopy. Sleep, on its own, is apparently not my issue, but quality sleep is. So now I'm on the AD treadmill trying to find something that doesn't interfere with my sleep quality.

I find it so disheartening when people talk to me about exercising and walking and socializing. Yes, I know it's right and healthy and all that stuff, but I just can't do it. In fact, these days I barely have enough in the tank to get through the day at work. OTOH, I can always crawl under my desk for a nap.

I don't have any advice to give you - truth is you and I will either get better or we won't. But I'm not going to give up, and you shouldn't either. I remember the good days when smiles came easy and joy was waiting to be discovered. I want that feeling back, and I guess I'm willing to wait this down-period out just for the possibility to laugh with my whole soul again.

You and me? We're not weird, or different, or strange. We're just garden variety depressed people. Keep the faith, Kelly - we've been happy before and we'll be happy again.

So sorry to hear your issue. I depend on my doctor. I have had to make dr changes, but I've been seeing my current dr 3yrs now. He's great. Having a dr you truly trust gives the best results. Also, his physician assistant is marvelous.

I seem to be alone on this board in not seeing my depression as biological or chemical, but a natural (if depressing) response to my life and insoluble, chronic problems.

I'm a bit zonked out right now (thanks duloxetine), but I'll give describing it a go:

Daily life feels like wading through treacle

- Getting out of bed, making a cup of tea, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, typing an email, etc. is a struggle. I will put off even a small task for hours sometimes rather than get off the sofa. It's worse in the mornings and gradually gets better during the day; I tend to be at my most awake late at night.

Brain fog

- Closely related to the above. I can hardly think straight at times. Reading is an effort too. Typing this is an effort.

Agitation

- I don't think I show this one outwardly, but mentally I get so dreadfully agitated and wound up. The duloxetine has partly knocked that on the head, so I'm not feeling it as much as I was. But it's still there, just underneath the surface; I can sense it. The agitation can take the form of insane irritation or insane anxiety. The irritation I mostly manage to avoid inflicting on people in real life, but I can, say, read an annoying post and feel like punching that person or bashing my head against the wall in despair and anger. I was also having literal panic attacks about the future - that's the one thing the duloxetine has halted. I'm still deeply anxious about Brexit, Universal (Dis)credit, the NHS, etc. etc. but have become more numb to it.

Self loathing/criticism

- Most of the time I don't consciously dwell on myself, but certain things would trigger a cascade of self-loathing and hatred of who I was. All I ever wanted to be was 'normal' and, no, it doesn't help to hear that nobody is normal. We all have a sense of what roughly constitutes normality, e.g. getting married, having kids, having a full-time job. I know that those things don't always make people happy, but I haven't gone through most of the milestones of adulthood and that makes me deeply unhappy. Unfortunately I'm in the position of wanting a human connection/intimacy and being utterly unable to attain it, thanks to various things - but mostly due to having high-functioning autism, I guess.

Non-restorative sleep

- I go through spells of insomnia, but at the moment that's not my problem. However, even when I fall asleep relatively easily, my sleep is so utterly unrefreshing.

There's probably more, but I've run out of energy and need tea/something to eat.

My depression is similar to everybody else. I am lethargic, sleeping a lot. I am sad and angry all the time. I beat myself up. I am suspicious and jealous. It is all negatives. Insecure...

There is no rhyme or reason. It just happens.

When I am on medication I rarely feel these emotions. So I guess that the medications do their work.

NCOT, Just wondering, do you ever wonder if your circumstances are due to the depression and not causing the depression? I am not disagreeing with you, just wondering...

I hope you all have a good day today. Sunny here for a change...

Hugs, Karen...

I don't think that there would be anything wrong with asking your doctor for the duloxetine again. I have done that before with medications. Went off and then went back on. I would discuss this with the doc. You deserve to feel happy.

I don't engage with people a lot. Only when I have to. I do have one friend that I try to see once a week but I often don't go. Sometimes she has other people there and I feel really out of place. So when there are going to be others I usually stay home. I know, I am strange. I do okay when out shopping and stuff. I get along good with people like that and on here. I guess I don't like people getting to know me very much. Oh well.

I think that the duloxetine will help you again. How long were you on it for? Antidepressants can be a pain in the you know what. They take so long to work, then sometimes side effects. I hope you can try it again though and give it another shot.

Thanks for replying NCOT... Have a nice day today...

Hugs, Karen...

Oops, I obviously didn't make it clear enough I've already started the duloxetine again >_>. My GP prescribed me some more ages ago, but I only got around to starting it about 12 days ago. It's been almost as brutal as the first time I started it, even though it's half the dose - 30mg instead of 60mg. Thus I'm not in any rush to go up to 60mg, to put it mildly. I was on it for 9-10 months the first time.

I don't engage with people a lot either. I've got one friend I see about twice a year - she lives too far away for us to be able to meet much more than that :-( Other than that, my only social contact is with my family. Well, and the people at my voluntary gardening place. But while they're all nice people, there's nobody there that I would call a friend.

Thanks Karen. Same to you :p

Now I've got to go and lie down. I'm shattered.... >.>

Edit: Thanks Trina!

well done on your sharing my friends, and esp to you karen.

me, a complex riddle of darkness and light hues of hope, opposed by an intrinsic lack of self efficacy, at times. rapid cycling dreams and days and reawakening that i too have a place. a battered soul, severe repression and memory, lethargy, hormones as well, an isolating element exists, small trusted friends and a somewhat hope all thrown in with a major dose of traumatic experience and abondanment.

Thank you, EVERYONE, here who posted. It is much appreciated. It also helps me to get to know you better.

The last few days I struggled not to go to the hospital. I have learned that once I start waking up with anxiety and feeling "weird" and "scared" (irrationally, of course), a very deep depression follows. The kind that is barely bearable. Thankfully, I feel better now and am going to join the ladies for a potluck and fellowship. Will be back tonight/this week to share and post with you again.

Tim Tam said...
Just wondering, if your depression started with an event.

You probably haven't been depressed all of your life.

I've been depressed over an event, or from not having been prescribed an anti-depressant...

Please forgive me for jumping in here, but that describes my experience EXACTLY!

I had never been depressed until an incident just three years ago... and my doctor totally disregarded my pleas for help. Through my own research I discovered Effexor and with persistence finally found a doc willing to prescribe it for me. It has been a tremendous help.

The 'event' still disturbs me, but the crying spells are fewer now (though they have been increasing again more recently) and my periods in the pit are now measured in hours not months.

Tim Tam said...
It put me in the middle of some human dynamics such as, I was helping some people, some people were helping me, and some of the people I was on same level as. All of that was therapeutic... working with some of the patients and seeing how rough a time they're having and maybe your mental energy will turn from your problems to theirs. That's what I'm doing right now, helping somebody else, when I probably have as many problems as they do... And with some of our problems, we can often help others who are having difficulties by telling them, "Guess what happened to me one time."

Thanks Tim. Unfortunately I have limited mobility, so walking pets and delivering meals is not practical.

However, I have been spending a lot of time with other cancer patients. Often they are scared, and lonely, especially those newly diagnosed. Naturally I have met several who are far worse off than we are (my wife and I both have cancer) and in sharing our experiences they often feel encouraged by the successes we've had in our own struggles. It helps to keep me out of the 'why me' pit of despair.

And I am rewarded by the feeling that I have helped someone. And though I have no medical training, I can often share tips to help them with some of their problems, such as the ravages of chemo or difficulties at home... things I've learned through experience or discovered in my own research, as I remember everything, which is a curse as well a blessing.

Tim Tam said...

So, you're seeing that the doctors don't always get it right, which is good. And you not stopping at that point, you're doing a lot of the research on your own.

Just recently I had an awful scare... the appearance of what might be yet another cancer. Some tests are positive and others negative. So at least for now I have been spared the dread of further treatment. But not knowing is still a big concern.

Yes, doctors have been wrong with me before, far too often unfortunately. But at least for now I can enjoy the holidays with my family and will jump back into the treacherous waters In January. By then it will likely have grown or gone away.

Also I have recently begun to see a therapist, so now I have someone outside the family that I can talk to, and perhaps able to provide some useful guidance.

Thanks again for your reply!