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Posted 1/9/2006 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi

I was just looking around for some help and options for my depresssion and came aross this site. Read a lot of the accounts on this forum and was touched enough by them to post my own. I guess just from reading  realised that I am not alone in how I feel.

I am a woman in her late 30's. I live alone. A lot of people would define me as "successful". I have a range of degrees from some of the top universities in the country.  had a great high flying career. I now have my own business. I teach professional skills. I do public speaking. I am a black belt in karate. I have a nice house and a car. I am in good health. When I am "happy" I am outgoing vivacious and fun with boundless energy and countless friends. I should feel good about my life.

The other side of the coin is that I have for years struggled with very serious depression. Usually it is triggered by something, in this case the end of a relationship and major family problems. I have had a lifetime of feeling alone and isolated unable to relate to  people. Often when I feel very low my brain feels like it is wrapped in cotton wool. Everything is slowed. I can't see goodness n anything. Often I simply cannot see the point of life at all. This makes the business just of living life from day to day almost impossible. It's also not something you want to talk about or explain. Because of all the superficial stuff that I carry around (strong/ robust/ reliable/ superhuman) people come to me always for advice. Countless people rely on me for help. They don't understand that sometimes I need help and support myself. During one particulay bad episode I likened myself to feeling like a big ship without any anchor, just drifting hopeless throgh life.  

It's common to look to childhood. Mine was pretty awful with parents locked in an abusive relationship.  I escaped and went off to make a life for myself. My brothers and sister despite being adults never seemed to have got over this. They have never left  home. They never  speak to each other. They don't work. Neither of my brothers ever gets out of bed except for essentials. The situation is miserble and critical. My mother has left the country to escape them and I feel abandoned. My father died when I was 15. I have no partner and have never really had a relationship with a man in which I was happy. I felt alone and isolated all through my 5 year marriage which was a disaster anway for various reasons. My relationship recently ended. I work from home and horribly  isolated. But then as I said I have spent most of my adult life feeling a crushing sense of isolation and loneliness even in times where I was moderately "happy". I have been in and out of counselling. It usually helps but for a short while as I guess what I am really looking for is support.

I am scared to admit to firiends how  feel because I don't want to lay it on them. So I pretend to be ok. As I am ok  sometimes I seem to pull it iff, I worry incessantly about my life. I worry about worrying.  worry that if I am honest about how I feel people will see ame as ill or unbalanced.  Most of all I worry that one day I will wake up and act on that feeling that  there is no point in going on.

I would really appreciate some ideas as to how I can begn to tackle this. Doesn't matter how big or how small the idea. I just need some help from people who haveexperienced something similar .  

Posted 1/9/2006 4:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi rainy,
I don't connect with your story too well, but one thing I can tell you is you have to find out what it is you are looking for. Really looking for.
Then go ahead and think about how come you got all this but the one thing U want you ain't got, and what it is that is holding you back. Seems to be if you can succeed one way, you need to start with a little introspect.
Sounds like you need to look at what it is about your parents that keep for sibs down, if you can find an idea, see if that theory applies to yourself. From this you took a different approach to dealing with the problems than they did.
Then resolve, resolve. Take an adult approach to solving the conflicts.
I am no therapist, and many aren't as good as you need, but I see a psychologist who isn't afraid to dig deep.
Posted 1/9/2006 5:32 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the HW family. I know that I need to face only today. If Iworry about tomorrow or what will happen next week I become a total wreck. I also ltell myself daily that I am going to have a good day. Silly I know but it helps me! I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Posted 1/9/2006 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Glenniem

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciated it. I am not sure that I described what I felt too well which is sometimes having "things" possessions rather than love in your life and / or people who you can really share with emotionally and spiritually can be a disaster.

CheerDad

As simple as it may have seemed to you your words really did help. I think if I start trying only to deal with today then the fear and misery I feel may not seem so bad. I am going to start trying to put that tip into action tday.
Posted 1/10/2006 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
hey cheerdad if only more people thought that way they would feel so much better ,I started doing that a few years ago and never stopped it is the best way to go thru life without being a total wreck and worrywort...I hope you do well rainy in this approach it worked for me as well....
J
Posted 1/13/2006 2:12 AM (GMT 0)

I learned in group therapy many years ago, that I was not alone in my depression. That was really an eye opener. In my mind, I was the only one going through something tough. I thought everyone else was doing fine. Boy was I wrong.

I would start slowly with small steps. And I agree that living in a day tight compartment - day by day - is key.

Most of the time, for most people, what we worry about never happens. We have basically wasted that time worrying about... nothing.

Every day ask yourself "What can I do to make things a little better no matter how small the action?" Then take that small step. Small steps accumulate into something larger.

Ed

Posted 1/13/2006 2:59 AM (GMT 0)
Welcome.

Although I have been depressed most of my life, I was only "officially" diagnosed last year. With the help of meds and therapy, I am feeling better. I used to post here all the time, now I mostly just read. This site is full of caring, compassionate, non judgemental people.

I felt I needed to respond because, while my story is different from yours, there are some similarities. I also have what many would consider a wonderful life. I have a college education, I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 28 years, I have 2 adult, successful, loving children and my parents are bot alive, married to each other and are a part of my life. I have a big house, a nice car. I have love in my life. I just don't feel that I deserve it. SO, why am I depressed? There is no "reason" which often makes it worse. My brother was killed when we were children, that could have been a trigger. I agree with you that often the past holds the key to our future.

I also agree with everyone here that you need to find help. Everyone's answer is different, your path to happiness and health is your own but you have lots of support here. There are meds, support groups, therapists. You don't have to do this alone.

Wow, that was a long preachy post! Sorry!! The point is, come back often, share with us. We care!

Peace,

Sadsunshine
Posted 1/13/2006 3:42 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Rainydays,

I am so proud of you.  My gosh, you've accomplished so much, coming from such a dysfunctional family, plus.

We get our building's FOUNDATION from our parents, and you didn't really.

Yet despite the lack of that solid foundation, you've manage to 'build' a life that most folks with good backgrouds haven't.

That's amazing.

You have every reason to experience depression from time to time. 

You're being a little hard on yourself, and though I admire the "stoic", it's only when you don't cut yourself some slack for having the right to feel depressed, that you'd consider "ending it".

God, you're an asset to society, and if good people like you start leaving us in this sometimes very mean world, all we'd be left with is shmucks. (Is that a bad word ?)

I don't mean to use bad language, but despite the fact that your parents did not really give you the feeling of 'security' a child needs to develop "self-worth", plus the marriage,  you've Shined.

Your self-worth is still not developed yet, because of the family stuff, but it can slowly be healed and grown.

First, you've got to cut yourself some slack for not having a great past.

They say "as a twig is bent".  As in, our childhood 'forms' us (like it or not, or deny it or not, or defy it or not), but it doesn't take years on the couch to undo it, for someone as (actually) strong as you.

If the twig is your self-worth (b/o isolation and loneliness) and it's bent, then focus on that, as what you need to be patient with yourself over.  You need to give that "kid" some sympathy.  That kid that was you and what you have had as a 'family'.

Then realise that that same poor kid, got knocked in the gut a few more times with isolation and 'being left', Abandoned.  That hurts anyone's 'self-worth' and trust for a 'happy future'.

Folks with low self-worth, actually will deprive themselves of fun, because they're afraid it won't last either.  And if things have gone bad so much in your life, that would sort of leave an imprint in your mind to "worry about life".

You're obviously very intelligent, so why don't you do a course in Counseling just by researching counseling over a search engine.  Or getting some good books at the Library.  The problem with some counselors you may have seen, that didn't help for long, is that you're smarter than them :-) ... so study it yourself.

"Support" is O.K., when you can get it ... but in the long haul ... you have to be your own best friend and advocate.

There's a lot displayed in your story, and I only hit a few points, but I'd like to see how these thoughts strike you first.

Someday, I'll tell you my story :-) .

ALL the BEST.

Ann

Posted 1/16/2006 4:17 AM (GMT 0)
Yes, I heard your words, I seen your frustration and have experienced and felt your fears. You my friend are suffering from Self doubt, and past failures, some from your childhood that you had no control over then, and you don't now, I am sorry for your recent loss in your relationship. It hurts, I know of the committment, and energy used to try and save it, to make it work. You did all you could do,but maybe it wasn't the time for it to work, or maybe a work needed to be done in the other person involved for thier growth, who knows for sure,. now please try to rest, you will need it now, leave the big baseball bat that we use on ourselves during these times, alone, leave it in it's closet. It won't help to beat yourself up anymore, you have punished yourself enough for your past let downs and disappointments, now it's time to remind yourself of just how truly beautiful you are, naturally, you are a hard worker, and that's why you have wonderful things to show for it, but now, rest, eat, and rest some more, take care of you now, you have spent your life taking care of others, now it's your turn. It's ok, I promise. It's ok, to take care of you, and your needs, it's ok to pop pop-corn curl up with a good tear jerker movie and cry.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you need to cry. You will be ok, it will take alot of reassurance from others and yourself, but you will be ok, you will get through this, make a list. You are already ahead of the race, you are alive!!!, take a hold of that great accomplishment you make everyday you wake up, and be proud of that fact, that in the midst of turmoil, enormous pains and disappointments that you are still alive and well, it starts within us, the goal to accomplish inner peace begins with the healing of our minds, intoduce the two to each other, and strive to just stay alive, and with each step you take you will find that you truly are living for the very first time in your life, try it, slowly, I believe in you, you must believe in you, we are here for you, keep a journal, explore the possibilities of wellness, good luck, you will endure. Be at peace my friend, for the journey to peace can be quite long, I am still traveling there myself. you are who you are for a reason, you just need to find what that reason is, and once you do, you will be at peace with it. Shine brightly little star, for you are one. Shine so brightly as to blind those who choose not to see in our  world of darkness. You may just be that light of glimering hope that will help to save another.  Keep in touch, let us know how you are doing.  It helps us too to reach out and help some one else.

Post Edited (dry) : 1/15/2006 9:22:45 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/16/2006 10:55 PM (GMT 0)
Everyone

Thank you so much for all of your posts. It's difficult to put into words how much it has meant that you all took the time to read my post and give me your thoughts. I have read and re read each post ( a good few times) and all of them all struck a chord. They were also full of wonderful advice. I guess it always helps to talk to people who have an idea of what you are going through.

Obs Ann

This may sound silly but the first time I read your post I just burst into floods of tears. Given that I am a person who finds it difficult to cry that was a big thing for me. You couldn't have summed things up better if you had known and spoken to me for years. Part of the problem with me is that no matter how "well" I do I have never really felt at ease with myself or really ever felt even that I was doing ok. In my own psych nothing is ever good enough. It's a destructive feeling. A good few years back I went to counselling and the counsellor said that my dominant trait was that I was harder on myself than anyone she had ever met. This is me after I spent years trying to cut myself some slack and be kinder.

Anyway thanks so much for your post. I really loved the idea of a couselling course. I have also had a dream about working in a field that was mcuh more people centered and that germ of an idea has made me think more about that. I also hear you on books. I recently bought "Man's Search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl. Really good. This last bout of depression was so bad that I want to be able (if possible) to try and think about emergency measures to help if I get that bad again.

If you ever feel like sharing I would like to hear your story.

Dry

Thanks for your words. Funnily enough re the last sentance in your post I had read somewhere very recently that helping someone else was a positive life affirming thing to do. In fact i have alwas done volunteer work mentoring troubled kids (they kinda remind me of me when I was growing up)but this time round I have decided to help the elderly. I think it is a positive thing do and MAY just be one way to tackle my sense of being alone.

Thanks again all.

Rainy
Posted 1/17/2006 5:19 AM (GMT 0)

Hia RD, (I'm changing your name in my mind to "Ready Days"),

I am so glad you posted today.  I kept checking for you.  Your life just went deep in me and all that you've made of your life, impressed me so very much, that it was a little hard to forget.

Yes, Volunteer work is the greatest thing on earth, as dry and you mentioned.

When I had a Lyme disease plus a max-stress break-down in 94, the first thing I did, out of gratefulness to regain my "sanity", was to Found a Volunteer Help Org (mostly for the elderly to help with chores they couldn't do, so they could stay living in their own homes) for my own town.  I felt and wrote, that "if each town took care of their own, just think what could happen ?"

I went to Town Council meetings (I was shy before the breakdown :), and fought for the Seniors and to make the School Zone safer.  Called State Rep.s, Lawyers, even the Governor.  I became an actual activist at 43 years old.

When the Town responded by buying a Speed Monitor in front of the school and put yellow flashing lights up, and then flashing light School Zone signs, I almost did a back-flip.

And the Governor moved on the request for our Seniors and the State Rep too.

And mind you ... I "sound" like a 5 year old because my voice froze when I was 10 ... so imagin a 5'2'' lady with that voice, accomplishing anything ?  But as they say ... 'Just One Person' can change lots of things. (or something like that - ha)

Then when we moved down here, Nursing Homes and the elderly were still my passion.  I worked there and also volunteered on days off.  And I can't overstate enough, how helping them did more help for me, than any other "depression" treatment out there.

I'll only give you a nutshell of the story of my background, so as not to belabor that part.

My Mom left us 5 kids and my Dad, who was a saint, when I was 2 months old.Dad couldn't find anyone to "stay" at the house, while he worked 2 jobs to support us, except a Couple that would only watch the school age boys.  So I had to be shipped out.  By time I was 13, I was in my 5th home.  Mentally abused from about 9 yr.s old on.  I left home as soon as I could and joined the military.  Met a man, that I married that 'seemed' to all and me to be Prince Charming.  Well, 'PC' only married me for my paycheck.  He didn't work and put me in the hospital with his physical, etc. abuse.  I got an annulment .... then married a "Minister", with whom, I thought I'd be 'safe'.  Well, let's just say, there are some men that should never get married, because they love every woman in the world.

So I was on home #7 now, where I felt unwanted, unloved, and mentally abused.

Then I get disabled, and can't get to the Nursing Home anymore.

But ... I've made it ... I've fought and won against depression.  There's a lot more to the above story, but that's not necessary right now.

I must also explain though ... I wasn't just fighting the past, but my mother's genes (she left because she had a breakdown), and I, foolishly tried unhealthy substances as a teen (trying to find love in all the wrong places) and then had CFIDS and Late-Neuro Lyme ... both of which do Organic damage to your brain and CNS and cause organic depression.  I've not needed anti-depressants, but because of all of the above, have battled anxiety, so take a very low dose of a tranquilizer only. (Other meds are for the Lyme/CFIDS)

I relate to what you've said, about nothing that you do seems good enough. I've had that 'perfectionist anxiety' too, because of 2 of the homes I was in, "nothing I did was good enough".

I started studying Psychology when I was 12 .... so I reckon, if it weren't for the Lyme contributing in '94, I've basically Counseled myself, from my own Research and self-talks.  And some very dear friends.

I got a job in a Hospital as a Nurse's Aide when I was 16 and used my money to get a subscription to Psychology Today Mag. Ha-this was in 1969.  From it ... I ordered a ton of books, so by time I was 18, I had some-kinda Library.   That desire to want to help people since young, has kept me going RD.

You are so blessed to have that nature in you to want to HELP. 

I've found, that those with that nature, seldom 'stay' down for long.  We all as humans, for the history of mankind, have had seasons of depression or sadness ... but everyone I've ever met, with that "Nature for Others", has never stayed down.  It takes "turning inward" or coccooning to do that.  Somehow, True Compassion neutralizes "self" from turning inward.  To put it bluntly :) Compassion in Action brings Joy and neutralizes Depression.  How can the two co-exist ?  [Big Smile]

If you could read two books, I think you'd like Reality Therapy by William Glasser and The Myth of Neuosis by Dr. ? Wood.  A Library may be able to tract them down for you or a search on the Internet.  They're old but still in use, in the 'good' circles of Psychology. 

God Bless you RD and I sure do look forward to hearing more about your adventures.  Even if it's just a trip to the Mall with the girls :)

CyberHugs.  Ann


Posted 1/17/2006 6:26 AM (GMT 0)
P.S.

How could I forget to tell you ... my other two Lifeboats.

I found "Faith" in 1976 and have always had a ridiculously relentless unruly sense of humor. :)

Everyone should stay silly. Do I know any 'silly' 102 year old ladies, that crack everyone up ? Yeap !


It's NEVER too late to have a GREAT childhood ! (o: }
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