At Breaking Point

6 years ago my husband lost his son. I expected that things were going to be difficult and was prepared for the grieving process, went to counselling with him, supported him when needed and was there as much as I could possibly be.

Sadly, our relationship, even 6 years on has just deteriorated. He is still on anti-depressants and once took too many to try and block everything out. I have been at my wits end as I never know what he is going to do next. We went to counselling together to talk about the loss of his son, to speak about what was happening between us and at first I was positive, encouraged him, tried to do what they recommended and now, I realise that he was just saying what he wanted them to hear as nothing ever changed.

He will just sink and I don't know where he goes. He stays up all night smoking and then sleeps all day. He won't speak, won't try to explain what is happening and why. I don't know what triggers it, it just happens. Normally, he is kind, loving, thoughtful, considerate, the man I married and then he changes into a person I don't recognise. He is angry, hateful, refuses to speak, either totally ignores me or is verbally abuse and says such awful things. I still love him but I love him as he was, not the person he becomes. I desperately want him back, want us back together as we were but this other side of him won't let him go. Today, I have cried on and off all day. It feels like mental torture and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I even lost it and lashed out at him today, normally I just take his insults and hateful comments. I am so ashamed of my behaviour and that I have been reduced to doing that. I really don't know what to do anymore. He says he loves me but this isn't love. Living like this is toxic. The person he becomes is just poison. When he gets over it, he still won't speak, he just wants to draw and line, forget it and move on. It is becoming harder and harder to bounce back from these bouts. I don't understand them. His behaviour is now starting to affect my health. He is sorry, he does everything he can for me but it doesn't last. I am sorry for rambling. My head is pounding and I just don't know where to turn.

Do you go to counseling for yourself? The reason I ask is they could be support for you and help you make some decisions.

You may not be able to change him and you may have to think about moving on. If he doesn't recognize his depression or even want to, there might not be a change.

Losing a child is a horrific thing that some people just can't get over.

Does he still take any antidepressants? Is he seeing a therapist? Does he have a psychiatrist? Did he go to any grief counseling? Coping with such a loss is very difficult. As you can see it has been six years and he is still dealing with that.

I think an option for you would be therapy if you aren't already. If you are have you talked about this situation? Sorry for all the questions.

I hope that things get better.

Hang in there and welcome to the forum. I am sure you will get some other suggestions. I will add more when my brain is working better.

Hugs Karen...