Hi everyone,
My (ex) boyfriend broke up with me three days ago. He has been suffering from a depressive episode since November. We've been together since December 2016, and started a LDR eight months later once he started school somewhere else.
He has diagnosed anxiety, which I was completely fine with dealing with. I also have anxiety so we both knew what it felt like and how to support each other. Additionally, we were a really great match for each other, and we both felt so lucky to have found each other. We were both each other's first love, first everything.
When the depression hit, it was like a complete 360 from the person he was. He became distant, would try to say things to me to get him to hate him as much as he currently hated himself, and would say things like "I don't know if I love you anymore because I don't miss you when we don't talk." Talking everyday became too much and he said he needed space, but it seemed to me that he just used that space to distance himself even more from me. He expressed to me having feelings of really bad thoughts and that sometimes he felt like he was better off not waking up after going to sleep, but I did not know what to do or say to that. He goes to a therapist, but I recently found out he has not told him about
the depression at all. I went to visit him and his family for 2 weeks during the holidays, and he seemed to go back to be better. Every time we are physically together, things between us seem better and he wants to pull me close again, but once I leave he pushes me away so hard.
Once I left from visiting him and his family, three days later he broke up with me out of no where. He told me that the depression was too much, he said awful things to me to get me to go away and leave him, begged me to find someone else, and said he did it because he cared and loved me too much to drag me down with him. I was absolutely heartbroken, but ended up visiting him since he bought me a plane ticket to see him 2 weeks after that, 3 days before the breakup. We met up and he told me that he was absolutely ashamed of how he treated me and the things he said, and that he still wanted me and loved me, but felt that a relationship was too much while he was trying to get better. Over the few days I was there, we connected again and we both knew that we were each other's "home." He expressed more sentiments of the bad thoughts again too, but he agreed to let me help him find better therapists who could actually help him. We both needed time for ourselves, and decided to not talk as much to give him space and me time to apply to graduate schools and etc.
Two weeks later, he called and broke up with me out of the blue saying that he didnt want to be in the relationship anymore, cared about
me too much to drag me down, and didnt know if he loved me because he didn't miss me and etc, which I'm sure is part of the depression. He said the only way that he was going to get better was that if he started doing well in school, which hasnt been happening since he's been depressed. Also he told me he never wanted me to contact him again and right after he hung up, he blocked me on literally every mode of communication. Throughout the past few months, I've noticed the patterns of pushing away, bad opinion of oneself, and saying things he doesn't mean, are part of the depression, but it just seems to get worse and worse. I feel lost, confused, and hurt, especially because we were best friends first, and I was willing to stick by until he got better. I don't understand why I was blocked and etc. I know his mind is confused and hurt too, but I've just never experienced something like this before.
If anyone else has been through something similar, how did you deal with the loss? Is there a chance that he will change his mind, unblock me, and etc once this gets better? I know I must continue on with my life and do things I must do, but a part of me will always love him and wonder. Any advice or similar stories would be appreciated!
Post edited for easier reading
Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 2/5/2018 1:49:30 PM (GMT-7)