Spouse of 4 years divorcing me abruptly. She's not convinced it's her depression

Hi everyone. I don't know where else to post this. Last Wednesday rather abruptly my partner decided to divorce me. She has depression and has struggled with it since even before we met 4 years ago. Her depression triggered immensely over the holidays when we went to visit my family, understandably, because this is the first year she's had absolutely no family of her own. Backstory: she was only in contact with her grandmother and mom but this past April she cut of her grandma for racism and a few months ago she cut her mom off for continuously denouncing our relationship (we're an LGBT couple). She sited the holidays as the moment she fell out of love with me/lost attraction to me and doesn't realize that this is clearly due to her depression. She told me she wasn't willing to try anymore with me. Mind you, we haven't had any notable issues in almost a year.

Every few months she would come to me and tell me how bored and unsatisfied she was with us, how she didn't know if she could ever be happy in this relationship and then pointing out things she thought I'd done wrong. For example, she'd say we never went on fun dates anymore but the reality would be I was constantly try to get us to go on interesting dates but she was never up to it. Towards the end of those convos she would come to the realization that these feelings may be her depression and then days later we're fine again. This has been a cycle of our relationship for years.

She finally admitted to being an alcoholic a few months ago when she woke up in the middle of the street and someone had to take her to the hospital. This is something thats really put a toll on our marriage since the beginning and this was very much a relapse because she'd been mostly sober this year. So I'm giving all this backstory just to give you an idea of what she's going through right now. I feel for her. But here's my issue.

When she said she was divorcing me she blamed me. She said it was because of things I did in the past (that she couldn't name) that she said she could never get over. I don't know what those things are and honestly we've been pretty good at communicating since we went to couple's therapy a few times last year and learned some helpful communication tactics, I would have thought I'd know what these issues were. I don't know how to accept this blame that she's placed on me. I don't think we should be together and I'm not even mad we're over. Hurt, but not mad. I'm honestly a little received that I don't have to take the pain she causes me anymore. But I don't know how to live with the fact that she believes I have hurt her in ways she can never get over, but refuses to see that a lot of this is likely due to her depression and not things I did. She says that we're ending because we've grown apart, that there's no blame here just two imperfect people that have growing to do. Meanwhile I've been consistently going to therapy and working on myself while she has avoided therapy and all of my requests to work on herself. I'm so frustrated that she's making this some equal mutual thing when her depression is the real problem here. She said so herself that I've been great for so long but she just cant get past our old issues. I'm struggling so so much to accept that this is over. I never would have gotten married if I'd known it would end like this.

I asked her how she could call me the love of her life up until just months ago, and all of a sudden leave like this. She couldn't answer the question. To me that's enough answer in itself to point back to depression being the cause. I know this is a lot and I'm probably leaving some stuff out but I really need to talk about this. Has anyone else experienced relationships or breakups with someone struggling with alcoholism and depression? Can you relate at all and do you have a similar story? How did you get through it? Do you have any hopeful words or advice for me to cope? I really need help.

Welcome to the forum.

I agree with F27 to a point. Depression is a tough thing to deal with. However, I personally do not like to use for an excuse for personal troubles.

When I went into therapy I was asked " do you agree, you are and adult and responsible for your actions?"
I thought about that and said YES.

Of course some times dissociation, and things get in the way.

I repeat as F27 said. This is not your fault!

Your partner has a heavy load that is being held in denial and only she can fix it when she is read to seek help.

This is what I "see" from your post.

Addiction, long standing, serious addicts can be sneaky and full functioning before hitting rock bottom.
Major confusion on who she is, what she is, lovable? worthy? Sounds like this conflict has been going on for most of her life

In this state anger has to go somewhere of course the closest person with get the most heat. Why? Chances are, that person will be around after the dust settles.

My suggestion, if you are still in her life and want to help, try to get her in rehab, rarely works once, 4times a charm.

Therapy and a psychiatrist is a good start.

Peace and strength
Trina