Posted 3/8/2018 12:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hello.
This is the first time I've posted on here but used this forum for another disease years ago so thought maybe talking could help. sorry for the essay
A couple weeks ago I got signed off work, will be off 9 weeks when my note runs out in 3 weeks. It all crept up on me, I live abroad and don't speak the language well so my life is a little lonely (very), though I'm a normal 30 year old female, and outwardly my life looks great. attractive, nice home, moderately successful job. then I met a man who lived far away (16,000miles haha) who told me I shouldn't be alone, that i deserved somebody great, that i was hiding behind a bravado.
No idea if this triggered something or if it can come from nowhere, but home felt like a prison, started crying daily, work lost any meaning, i pushed away all my friends (i can see it now but not when it was happening) i was angry at work, i started making mistakes at work and getting into trouble, id have panic attacks and couldnt even see the screen at work but kept trying, id sit with headphones on, i freaked out at the mere suggestion of a work night out even though i usually organise and love them - the thought of being out of my house terrified me but instead i was angry, i felt so hopeless, the thoughts turned really bloody terrifying, once i had a panic attack and it was a few hours later i saw i had stuck a fork into my arm, not badly, just enough to sting, had no real idea, the panic attacks got more frequent with a voice saying "run away" on loop, my last day at work i started screaming and crying and just grabbed my laptop and drove to the doctor who talked some hippy stuff about finding a level away from work. long walks, swimming.
I've been referred to therapy but waiting lists are long of course.
the man from australia flew over for 5 weeks, we roadtripped europe but it turned out we werent a good match and he has many of his own demons and was ill a lot so i basically ignored myself and nursed him a lot. so i bottled my own feelings up again.
so i flew to my parents home and i feel calm and level, but i know ive not dealt with anything. nothings changed. the voices have stopped to hurt myself, the bad feelings lifted and feel positive and grounded. i want to go back to my life - but im scared the second i walk into my office that complete worthlessness will come back despite feeling confident atm
my boss will ask why i now think i can do this job. do i still need therapy if i feel okay now? I just dont want to waste their time. finding an english speaking one is tough and i didnt chase it when i was desperate because i felt i wasnt worthy of their help. that they'd laugh at me and say i have nothing to whinge about. the guy even asked how id managed to be signed off work when he has 'real depression' (something i wasnt aware of really when we met)
im just really worried it will all drown me again... i know everybody is different but is this likely. can it come from nowhere? i have reached out to a lot of friends, which certainly helped, spring is around the corner, friends have booked me events so i have things to look forward to, but i still feel like life has no direction, i have no goals. does anybody have any advice. sorry if i sound whinging.