Yet another failed relationship thread

Morning folks. I finally got my antibiotics - made an urgent appointment with the GP early this morning. I just pray that they work - I can't help being anxious about that.

@nssg - It's good to hear your perspective. I wish I could give you some useful advice about your "online boyfriend", considering what me and have been through, but I can't. A few alarm bells are ringing though. What was your online friend's response when you tried to break off the friendship? I think you should reconsider that option or at least take a massive step backwards. Yes, it will hurt the guy a lot in the short term, but in the long term you may be doing him the bigger favour. On the other hand, maybe he genuinely does not expect/want anything more from you. That is a genuine possibility. But perhaps a fairly unlikely one if he is straight and single.

@Karen - Ah okay. I can't remember his first username funnily enough. I tried to but couldn't.

I still have no idea about the email; it could have just been a random, but extraordinarily badly-timed glitch, for all I know. I'm starting to think it is that in fact. As for my apology, I have no idea whether he has seen it or not - Gmail isn't like WhatsApp or even Twitter in that regard. If somebody blocks you you'll never know unless they tell you: your emails get sent but end up in the cyber trash bin.

It's killing me tbh. I accept I was out of my mind for a few weeks, that I just ended up in some bizarre, obsessive state. I just want our old friendship back, minus the weird obsessiveness. I don't want to interfere in his marriage anymore or pressure him to declare any feelings stronger than friendship: I just want to speak to him again.

Post Edited By Moderator (Michelejc) : 5/15/2018 1:56:46 PM (GMT-6)

NCOT, I am sorry to read about the turn of events lately. You have been on a wild roller coaster ride for a while now. I do hope things start settling down & fall in place for you. I don't have much in way of comments on the thing. I know of too many people that have had friendships or whatever go south out of no where with online friends. Karen was so right about how difficult it can be with online friendships. I will remind you there is a very good chance he has or will come here & read your posts, he does not have to login to read here, keep this in mind. I hope at some point will forgive yourself.

I see that you made contact with your parents. Most of all you got to talk to your mum. That has been a heavy burden for you to handle this past 6 months. I hope that helped take some of that off of your shoulders.

Usually when I get a UTI, by the 3rd day on the antibiotic I am feeling better. Gawd, those things are just awful. It may be an old wives thing but my mother told all of us girls to drink cranberry juice & we always have, lol. They now sell cranberry supplements to take to help ward off UTI, lol. Do they work, I have no clue. So maybe there is something to cranberry juice after all, lol. I have an older sister that gets them frequently.

I know you got into it with the people over getting some counseling. I know how frustrating it has been for you to get any help, but try not to get so upset with them. More often than not, who ever it is that you are dealing with may put your folder at the bottom of the stack. When I worked, I had a lot of contact with drs offices & can tell you first hand, when a patient called & became upset they were put at the bottom of the stack.

I hope your weather holds over the weekend so you can get out of your flat. It's raining & soggy in Tx this morning. But, I will not complain, we have been bone dry & need the rain terribly.

Just wanted to pop on & let you know I have been thinking of you.

Post Edited By Moderator (Michelejc) : 5/15/2018 1:57:01 PM (GMT-6)

gettingby, I am doing okay. It was dreary here, but today it's really sunny and beautiful. It's supposed to be beautiful through the weekend. Hopefully i can find a place without poop to walk.

NCOT, we have talked on the phone a few times... When we had the "breakup", it was awkward, and I felt awful about making myself unavailable, but I was doing it for him. After some time passed, he contacted me and said he missed chatting. He lives in a desolate area, far, far from here, and he doesn't really fit in there, but he's sweet and smart, I think he could make friends if he wanted to. I try to shy away because I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I do like having his friendship. It's difficult, I guess you really have to be clear about what you expect. Maybe **(name removed for member privacy) thinks you're intelligent, witty, and funny, and he respects the friendship, but doesn't want more. Having people who enjoy spending time talking to you isn't a bad thing...

I hope you can make the friendship work too. it sounds like you are important to each other. I have had to keep a distance with my situation at times too. Sometimes he will throw little jabs if I am not around for a few days, and I think it's odd, but I understand he feels like I am uninterested. It's not that though, it's usually that I am working, or doing chores around the house. It's hard being a long-distance from someone. In reality, with my "boyfriend", I don't think he would ever leave where he's from, and I wouldn't live in the cold, so we could never work out. Logistically, I think it's an impossibility.

I think with UTI, you can have some discomfort regardless of whether you're peeing. I have also heard of some worst case scenarios where UTIs can cause kidney infections, which are quite painful. So please if you're really uncomfortable, definitely get seen again.

My SO doesn't particularly like me having an online boyfriend, and he will make a crack about it here and there, but i think he accepts that we are friends now. It's been a long time. He hasn't asked to read our texts or anything, though I wouldn't really mind if he did, he just doesn't have the time or interest (it would also probably be sort of disrespectful to the other party if i allowed that). He has female friends at work that he talks about, I don't care.. What's the difference? I am at home a lot, if I didn't have a few people I chat with online, I'd really be in solitude. I will tell my SO what I talk about with my online guy though sometimes. We all have different interests that overlap. Me and the online guy are both hands-on and like making stuff/DIY, my SO hates all that stuff... I have women online that I chat with a bunch too!

Well NCOT I must say this is a kick in the head! I do feel your pain because on Valentines Day my "wonderful" supportive hubby, I found was cheating on me. He is so bad at lying and I knew something was up.

Anyway this is the way I look at things. Man just never grow up emotionally. They see the wife aging or worse yet, stuff happens that "wasn't" in the deal! Pardon me, but the vow before God is all inclusive.

So they are bored, want to go out and play feel young again. Turds.

NCOT, I bet you are a nice cup of tea when you let your personality out. Why wouldn't your be?

This, by beloved friend, is not your fault. Sassy as he Knew exactly what he was doing, and I refer to his remark about you "self-depressing" . I am not you but I feel I have met many 's in my life and I believe he reeled you slow and steady with charm and practiced grace of an angler.

Currently I and using

Breathing through harsh judgements from mindful.org I will try and find the link for you.

All this stress no doubt caused the UTI. Water, cranberry, Hot lemon water. Glad you are going to the doc.

On the bright side of all this messyou have valuable knowledge to be stored away for reference. Add and alarm bell, the text time you see/feel a troller approaching. Then you turn away with a good flip of your hip and block that dude.

NCOT you are a fellow warrior, you have made great strides in mental and physical healing since we have known you.
There is no one on this earth worth giving you peace away to. You have worked to hard to get where you are, only you can stay here and keep growing.

And we at least Karen and I will stand by you. They others can speak for themselves.

Well I could not find the article, actually blur about harsh judgements. I did find another link just as good.
if you want the particular one I use. Please, let me know and I will be glad to type it up and sent it along.

/www.mindful.org/inside-director-pete-docter-importance-getting-head/

By the way, I would love to use your name on the forum. If not I completely understand. You most likely to not favor it. I think it is lovely.

I hope you feel well soon.
Peace and strength,
Trina

Post Edited By Moderator (iPoop) : 5/15/2018 1:59:59 PM (GMT-6)

I relate to what you say so much. I don't feel like I know, or have, anyone either. It's very discouraging. You're not alone in feeling this way. I wish I knew what we could do to not feel this way, or to feel better about being the way we are. It's hard when you don't have the distraction of having a family, or whatever it is we were brought up thinking was the norm. it is my #1 issue in life. Why? What am I doing? It is lonely, and the weird part is, even if you do everything by the book, i believe once you're free of all your obligations, you will feel this way regardless. we are just here sooner because we didn't follow the traditional story-line as we were told to. I think the best thing we can do is find our passion and follow it.

In this life, you are the only person you can trust. You can't depend on other people to be trustworthy or to make your life happy. It all comes from within yourself.

We never really know other people, they can change at anytime. It is faith that keeps you going. Faith in yourself and in the thought of happiness.

My mother wronged me many years ago. She died alone. As far as I know. I broke contact with her 30 years ago or so. She died shortly after. She was definitely one to not be trusted. I hate Mother's Day holiday. I resented the fact that I didn't have a loving and trusting family. But I pretty much put that behind me. I haven't much family left. One sister, a brother and a couple of cousins. So now it is one day at a time with me and my husband. I am alone a lot, but I enjoy that. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I guess... I cook meals daily though and do housework.

It is strange with people. My husband and I have been together 18 years, I still learn new stuff about him. People don't necessarily show their true selves for a long time. It is a gamble. But again, you need to have faith.

When things go wrong, that is just a part of life. Keep moving forward. Doing things for your enjoyment.

How is the uti? Is it any better NCOT? I hope so.

Keep hanging on. Keep moving forward. Take it one day at a time...

Things will get better.

Hugs, Karen

NCOT
The remark was taken from the 2nd quote you posted I think from your first post.

Marriage like any relationship takes work, honesty and both partners loving themselves first. Yea we hit a real rough spot. But are both willing to work and say 32 years of friendship and 30 years of marriage. Not easy. Especially with my crap.

I hope you do look at mindful.org. So much good stuff to help. Self compassion is work, but once you start loving yourself, the world becomes this great adventure and all the lies people told you alll your life melt away!

You also may want to search for Sarah Blodin on youtube or Insight timer, the app for phones.

She does a Live Awake series about 5-8mins each. It is like you are the only one she is talking to.

forget about him.....

You are enough, without him.
PeaceTrina

Post Edited By Moderator (iPoop) : 5/15/2018 1:59:15 PM (GMT-6)

Hi folks... >.>

Well firstly, the one bit of good news: my UTI is better - the antibiotics did their job. Thank god for modern medicine. And thank god for a healthcare system where I can access modern medicine despite being poor. So I'm thankful for that much.

Otherwise, nothing drastically new has happened. I spent Saturday and Sunday at my parents' house - yesterday we went for a walk (Ivinghoe Beacon, if anyone is interested enough to google the location. Don't worry about it if you are not though - I won't mind <_<). In the evening we watched a few epidoses of Extras. @Karen - You might like Extras, 'cos it's comedy. It's a British sitcom, so there's a fair amount of embarrassment and cringiness, but it is very funny.

So yeah, that got me through two thirds of the Bank Holiday weekend at least. Was touch and go with my mum at one point, but I managed to dial it back down again - I never knew until recently how hypersensitive she is. She really does go around with a massive chip on her shoulder about how I don't care about her and never have done. The not caring about her is nonsense, but she clings to it like a drowning man clings to a buoy.

Today was distinctly tougher. I woke up feeling depressed and futile, but managed to get out of bed, get dressed and get a very late lunch. At around 4pm I was emailing my friend, when I saw Him's green light in the gmail sidebar come on. At first I ignored it, but it was there for ages (I was writing a long email to my friend; she is helping me with a disability appeal in a month's time but that is another story). Eventually I sent a hesitant "Him...?". Unsurprisingly I didn't get a reply. I then spent an hour obsessing over whether I had been blocked or not and googling to try and find out - long story short, I didn't get a definitive answer. People's answers varied. Needless to say, none of this helped my state of my mind and I decided I had to get a move on with deleting Him from my laptop and phone.

That sounds straightfoward, doesn't it? Not when you've got hundreds of pictures and videos and a zillion emails dating back 4 years. On top of all that I deleted all the pictures and videos, only to find out I needed to delete them all over again in Google Photos. I will need to delete them for a third time from the Cloud, I'm sure of that. And maybe even a 4th or 5th time, depending on where they've been backed up to, who knows.

That, though horribly painful, was bearable. So many freaking pictures though: of his cat, of snow (Canada = snow), of his meals, of his office, etc. Not that many of him (I didn't exactly send many of myself, so that one is fair enough I reckon), and, probably not surprisingly, none at all of his wife.

What wasn't bearable was re-reading his emails. I have nearly 700 emails in my inbox going back to 2014 and the majority of those are from Him; I don't get much spam and the bit I do get I tend to delete as and when I get it. I decided to begin with the oldest emails first, but I made the mistake of stopping to read them first; after reading a few threads, I had to shut down Gmail 'cos I got so upset. I was hyperventilating and on the verge of having a panic attack.

I then sobbed and bawled for an hour, while my chest and stomach hurt from the wracking pains. I haven't cried much since last Tuesday (when I went to my parents for the first time in six months), but this was the worst crying episode yet. The emails were so, so sad, or at least they were to me. He really did seem besotted with me (always platonically I might add - I got sent numerous hugs and called 'friend' constantly). I'm thinking now that maybe I should have spotted back then that something was amiss, but it seemed so innocuous. He seemed safely married, I wasn't interested in him in that way - if he wanted to carry on like a lovelorn teenager at times, so be it.

I don't know. I just don't know. I don't even know myself, let alone Him. Like, why did my feelings change so much after switching to WhatsApp? (On my freaking birthday, no less - that actually was coincidence.) I do know that I was in a deeply vulnerable place at the time, but that still doesn't explain the transition from being the insouciant friend to the needy one. Or how I missed a rather fundamental flaw in Him's character (which is not to imply that I was an angel myself).

And you know what the really fun part is? I've still got 644 emails left to sift through and delete! ;_; I hate it: I hate, hate, hate having to 'wipe out' the memories of Him. I've only ever deleted all traces of another person once before, and that was more than 15 years ago. Very different situation, though, so I can't really use it to help me with now.

One final thing: I'm having an appeal in a month's time. *IF* I win it, I should get backpaid: not, sadly, enough to make me rich. But enough to pay for a long holiday or a year's worth of therapy. Holiday, I was thinking of a refuge type of thing; therapy is pretty self-explanatory. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. But if I *do* win, then I have decided I want to put the money towards trying to understand myself better - I don't mean in a hippy sort of way, I mean in a "understanding my overwhelming futile despair" sort of way. MBT - mentalisation based therapy - seems quite promising on that front.

@Karen - I am sorry about your mother. I believe that everyone deserves to have a family that they can love and trust, but some parents make it impossible for us to either love or trust them. I am glad you have managed to find some peace and contentment in your later years.

@straydog - Wow. That's shameful behaviour on your friend's part; I find that pretty chilling in a way. Nothing wrong with gaining new friends but to cut the old friends out without so much as a word or by-your-leave - that's Tory/sociopath behaviour, that is. I mean, she might have chosen to see you less often, but there is absolutely no doubt she could have kept you in her life. I wonder if there was some other motive for the break that you are unaware of? Like, maybe she's envious of you or holds onto miniscule grudges forever, I dunno.

@Trina - Self-compassion is a strange concept for me. I think people should like themselves of course, but I'm very very far away from that place. I mean: I don't know what's up with me and my moods. I dunno why I feel futile despair all the time - I know it's not brain chemicals, because antidepressants don't work for me. So it has to be genetic/environmental. I will crack this, because I'm not spending the second half of my life in this hell!

forget about him.....

You are enough, without him.
PeaceTrina

Thank you! Sincerely.

@Karen - hugs back to you.

*collapses from wall of text* >_>

Post Edited By Moderator (iPoop) : 5/15/2018 2:01:15 PM (GMT-6)

My mum is what some people call a "problem drinker". She's not a full-on alcoholic, but she does drink nearly every day. However, she has enough control over it not to get completely blotto; she usually drinks just enough to alter her personality to be irritating and abrasive/contradictory...

(In the past she would more often drink to the point of insensibility, so she has improved slightly over the years. But not to the point of admitting she has an actual drink problem.)

I never, ever knew how painful UTIs were. I literally had no idea. I was convinced I had to have a kidney infection, or something, for it to be that bad. Somebody on the UC board recommended a med which apparently makes the UTI pain far more bearable: phenazopyridine, for future reference.

Yes, I think you're right about the emails. And, no, they're not going anywhere: it's not like they're gonna get up and walk away by themselves :-/

I'm off to bed after this. I'm gonna see if my brain can concentrate on a book yet - I'm going to try to get back into videogames and reading, two of my previous interests.

Goodnight Karen :p

Ah god, the mornings are still really hard for me. Every time I wake up, I feel normal for about 3 seconds - and then the depression and heaviness hits me hard. On top of that, my left eye began hurting quite badly and was red, so I put in a few steroid drops. That in turn triggered a panic attack about my eyes. I'm not normally a massive worrier about my health and don't tend to suffer from health anxiety - I never think I have cancer, or anything like that. But this uveitis is a different kettle of fish. Fortunately I have an appointment with an opthalmologist in a fortnight and am going to ask her what my risks of going blind are. Hopefully she can reassure me there's no danger of that, but if she can't, then I still would rather know.

So yeah. Not a fun morning so far. And I have to go the dentist this afternoon :/ Touchwood, the dentist has found nothing wrong the last few times I've been, but some of my teeth are in quite a fragile state - thanks in no large part to an incompetent dentist I had for years beforehand.

@Karen - Reading was my main pasttime as a child: it helped me to escape to other worlds in what was otherwise a deeply unloving and cold atmosphere most of the time. I had an ability to deeply concentrate that I lost somewhere along the way in adulthood - my brain simply will not fully switch off. It's twitchier than a squirrel twitching its whiskers before it dashes up a tree 0.03 seconds later. But, even though it's difficult, I can still read. It may take longer than it used to, because sometimes I end up reading the same passage over and over again before I can take it in - but I can do it. This week I'm going to try to finish the book that I started a few weeks ago, Being Human by Matt Haig. (It's about an alien who has landed an earth to complete a mission and has to try to blend in with the humans around him. I feel like he's doing a better job at it than me tbh.)

Re passing blood - yes, I passed blood a couple of times the first night. I was going to make an urgent appointment the next day, but the blood disappeared and the pain improved, so I thought it was getting better. Well, the pain came back the day after that with a terrible vengeance :-/ (Although not the blood funnily enough.)

It's sunny and warm here, although this is our last really nice day - it's gonna get a lot cooler tomorrow. I am sorry about your trees, Karen: I hate to see the destruction of good, healthy trees

You take care too. Hugs... >.> (I'm still a bit awkward with hugs, although I do like them.)

Hi Guys,

I get the hugging,

I do not remember ever, EVER, remember my mother hugging me. Not on my first day of school or on my Wedding day.

There is a pic I have of me in bed with her, I am perhaps 2 months old, she is looking at me, laying on her side, but not touching me. God forbid!

As a result, to this day I have a strange feeling of aloneness, even though I get plenty of hugs, even from John during the trials we are in. I don't think anything ever make this leave.

Gorgeous day out, trying to reduce my pain so I can plant some ground cover out back and then read as the sun goes down. I love this time of day when the air and light is soft.

Today the neighbor came by with her 3yr old and for the first time came in and met Alley. Alley ran and got her fav toy piggy. Sat like a good girl and whined while Erin and her 3yr old Becca pet her. Such baby this dog.

Maverick who is now 12 could have cared less. Yesterday we put them both in the bedroom because Mav has been leaking. Well he as not having any off it and chewed a hole right through the wood door. Thank God the door is hollow and dried out, from the 60's, original of house, hollow and does not show from the front. So, no more locking him up. Diapers. Poor old man.

NCOT,

Really self-compassion, once you start putting the effort in works well, and it is as easy as, when a negative thought comes: for example. I am stupid- realize it, say, hey, NO, I am not stupid, I can.... everyone makes mistakes, that is how we learn!

Emails, I believe you can sort emails by sender, alphabetically, then just highlight all and delete. Did and done!

Peace to Karen and you
Hugs
Trina